Discontent, Self-Pity, and Despair
What do you do when all hope seems to be lost? How can Christians support one another through times of discontent and despair?
In this episode, Janet and Jocelyn explore the challenging topics of discontent, self-pity, and despair. They discuss the root causes of these struggles and suggest that discontent with God often lies at the heart of the matter. The hosts examine the concept of biblical contentment and highlight the hope we can find in trusting God's sovereignty. Janet and Jocelyn remind listeners that God's plans, though sometimes difficult to understand, are ultimately better than we could imagine for ourselves.
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Resources
Resources
Books
Gospel Primer - Milton Vincent
Trusting God - Jerry Bridges
Depression: Looking Out from the Stubborn Darkness - Ed Welch
A Shelter in the Storm - Paul Tripp
Podcasts
Battling Envy - Joyful Journey
Ordinary Faithfulness - Joyful Journey
Contentment - Joyful Journey
Websites
Handout
Read Through the Scripture Challenge 2024
Transcript
Jocelyn: I don't just need to feel better. I need the truth. And ultimately that will make me better.
Janet: I just want to make it as totally simple as possible for ladies to see that the Bible is really applicable to their everyday life.
Jocelyn: When they understand theology, the application flows out of it quickly with joy.
Janet: It is a journey, but even the journey itself is joyful when I'm doing it, holding the hand of my savior and trusting him all along the way. This is the joyful journey podcast, a podcast to inspire and equip women to passionately pursue beautiful biblical truth on their journey as women of God. When you choose truth, you're choosing joy.
Janet: Okay. Welcome back. This is Janet. Once again, with my cohost, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: Hey friends.
Janet: And Jocelyn is going to be leading us in a very encouraging topic, wouldn't you agree?
Jocelyn: It's going to be a blast.
Janet: Yes. We're going to look at some topics that can really converge to create a lot of misery, but not because we want you to be miserable, but because we don't have to be.
Jocelyn: So today we're talking about discontent, self pity, and despair. And to be fair, get ready for a good time. To be fair, each of these could be their own episode.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: So it is going to be high level but I thought it was important to talk about them together because they build off of each other.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: But also I just wanted to be able to talk about them in general. Discontent easily leads to self pity and that can eventually bring you to despair. And we are going to look at how these topics are different, but we're also going to look at how scripture has solutions for all three of them, and they're all interrelated. So it makes sense to look at them all together.
Janet: And it probably means the answer will be the same, so we've got hope.
Jocelyn: The answers will be similar.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: So since each of the three, discontent, self pity and despair are shades of the same issue, which is a covetousness rooted in not truly trusting God. The biggest thing to learn is going to be biblical contentment and hope, but there are shades of things that can be helpful for each of them. So we're going to talk about each of them separately, and then we're going to just apply all of them together. And I'm going to start our encouraging episode with the most encouraging king that Israel ever had.
Janet: Can't wait.
Jocelyn: King Ahab.
Janet: He's not on my top 10 of most encouraging.
Jocelyn: So in 1 Kings 21, I was actually reading this for my devotions as I was developing this episode. And I was like, wow, I couldn't have found a better Object lesson. So in first Kings 21, it says, now there was a man named Naboth from Jezreel who owned a vineyard in Jezreel beside the palace of King Ahab of Samaria. One day Ahab said to Naboth, since your vineyard is so convenient to my palace, I would like to buy it to use as a vegetable garden.
Janet: How nice. He's gonna garden.
Jocelyn: I will give you a better vineyard in exchange, or if you prefer, I will pay you for it. But Naboth replied, The Lord forbid that I should give you the inheritance that was passed down by my ancestors. So Ahab went home angry and sullen because of Naboth's answer. The king went to bed with his face to the wall
Janet: Pouty pants.
Jocelyn: And refused to eat. What's the matter? His wife Jezebel asked him, what's made you so upset that you're not eating? I asked Naboth to sell me his vineyard or trade it, but he refused, Ahab told her. Are you the king of Israel or not? Jezebel demanded. Get up and eat something and don't worry about it. I'll give you Naboth Vineyard.
Janet: There's a strong woman, right?
Jocelyn: And so then his BFF Jezebel, did a whole bunch of wicked things, had Naboth killed and gave him the vineyard. And it's just interesting to see like the verses four and five says, so we went home angry and sullen because of Naboth's answer. He went to his bed with his face to the wall and refused to eat. And so it's just so much what we're talking about today. And so that terrible example of Ahab, it ends in death. But I wanted to talk about this topic today because this is one I've really had to wrestle with over the years since being a kid. And I think probably this area is my besetting sin. If I tend to sin in any area, it's going to be these three. And I think it's good to know about yourself. Not, obviously not good to make it an excuse or anything, but if I know that I tend to sin easily there, then I'm going to make it as hard as possible to make allowances for myself and I'll be tough on myself because I don't want to sin. And also I see that this, just like King Ahab, like the end of this sin is death. It leads to very dark places.
Janet: One of the things I like about that example is that the right word? I don't know. But it shows you that it's ugly.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: No one's going to read that paragraph and go, I don't blame you.
Jocelyn: Maybe I want it.
Janet: Yeah. I don't blame you. That's that's so reasonable for you to respond that way. And I do think we would all benefit if we were more humbly honest about our own sinful tendencies. How are you going to ever fight and change and grow if you don't even think you have an issue?
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: And I'm thankful that I know more of mine, which we've talked about on other episodes as well. But I also just want to tell you this, Jocelyn, I think it's encouraging to hear you say that, because God's obviously at work in you. That is not something I would associate with you.
Jocelyn: Oh, that's good to hear. Yay.
Janet: So, that's encouraging.
Jocelyn: It's funny because my name means joy. And I've I thought over the years, how ironic is it that I get stuck in despair so like often and quick.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: It's like very quick. And so I'm glad my mom and dad named me Jocelyn because I think to myself all the time, your name literally means joy. Get happy.
Janet: I wonder how effective that is, but okay.
Jocelyn: It actually is helpful. Sometimes I need a little pep talk. So we're going to start with discontent and as is helpful, we're going to start with definitions and I'm going to read these slow and careful because the definitions matter. So the dictionary definition of discontent means not satisfied with what one is or has, wanting more or different and a restless desire or craving for something one does not have. I think that those are really good definitions, really good. And then a biblical description of covetousness, which would be the equivalent of discontent: an inordinate desire to have more than what God has seen fit to give us.
Janet: So why don't you then explain a little bit more about what is covetousness?
Jocelyn: So I'm going to just break it down a little bit through several different scriptural passages that explain it. First of all, covetousness is the inordinate and sinful desire to have the things that we're convinced will satisfy or make us happy. We're often convinced that I know what will make me happy. And because I'm not getting it, it causes me to believe that God is a hoarder who keeps me from the things that will really satisfy me.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: And I think if I get what I want, I'll be satisfied. And I have to remember that God, who is omniscient, And loving and kind knows better than me what will make me happy. And he knows exactly how much of the good things I can handle without becoming sinful. So Luke 12:15 says, then he said to them, beware and be on your guard against every form of greed for not even when one has an abundance, does his life consist of his possessions. Secondly, the Bible also makes it clear that the love of temporal pleasures will damage us. Hebrews 13:5 says, make sure your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have for he himself has said, I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you. So I'm going to take a tiny part of my life and just weave it through the examples as applications because I sometimes fear that this topic will be so philosophical that you won't see it's nitty gritty. It's every day.
Janet: It's practical every day.
Jocelyn: I have really had to struggle over the years with the concept of physical fitness and health and so specifically working out. I am fully convinced, in my brain, fully convinced that I need to have regular physical activity. I need to do weight bearing activities so I don't get osteoporosis. I need to have regular cardio exercise. But I am so discontent that I have to do it. And I find myself coveting people who have naturally slim bodies and I'm like, I look at them and I think you're literally eating anything you want. Even if I see them eating things that science has proven will cause cardiovascular disease, I say, it's so unfair. You get to eat that delicious, disease causing food and I don't.
Janet: Excellent. So let me just mention one thing as you're talking about covetousness, we do have an episode on envy that I would recommend
Jocelyn: Yes. That's true.
Janet: As well. So as we're talking about this and you're going, and not only can I relate, I think I need a deeper dive. We're not going to do that right now because we've done it.
Jocelyn: And something that you taught in that envy lesson has been extremely helpful about the part of all of us are reflecting pieces of God's glory, but we're jealous of the piece of God's glory that someone else is reflecting. So that was life changing.
Janet: That was helpful for me too. So yeah. So then what is the biblical solution to this discontent and covetousness?
Jocelyn: And so the biblical solution is literally contentment.
Janet: And can we stop and say we did a whole episode on that? Yes. So that would be another one. We're going to talk about the truths here. If you need more, we've got it.
Jocelyn: If you want to dive deeper. So contentment comes from delighting in God more than anything else, which is so fundamental. Think about all the things that we think if I only had them, then I'd be happy. Just like Alexandra said early on, and then I'd be happy, but it's realizing that God has already provided all that I need to glorify and enjoy him. And I literally do not need anything else.
Janet: Unless my goal is not to glorify and enjoy him. And that's what happens. I find out those other things.
Jocelyn: Psalm 37:4 delight yourself in the Lord. So carrying my example through, I've been focusing on loving God more than loving an easy life. That's why I don't like to work out. It's hard. I hate sweating. It's very sweaty. I want to love God more than in an easy life, more than not needing to work out, and more than not needing to be disciplined to eat good food. I just want to love God most.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: And then out of that love to do the things that I should do. Secondly, contentment thanks God in all circumstances instead of complaining. And it's interesting. Self pity is a significant form of complaining and arguing. When you feel sorry for yourself, or you feel sorry that you're being forced to endure suffering or discomfort, you're arguing with God that the life conditions he's given you are not good. Which is. I don't want to speed over that fact. Like you're literally arguing with the sovereign providential creator of all mankind, that what he has given you is not as good as it could have been. So self pity charges God with neglect and mistreatment. Like how could he do that? And it convicts him of unlovingly hoarding what you really need for success and happiness. So I've been like working out for a while. And just in the last six months, I've been training myself to stop feeling sorry for myself, stop feeling sorry for myself when my alarm clock goes off. Cause that's when it starts. Such a shame I have to get up. And stop feeling sorry for myself that I have to work out for the rest of my life. I think that's the thing that's so irritating. We all laugh, but it's true. No, it's
Janet: I could do it for a month.
Jocelyn: Yeah, I could do it for a week. Hardcore. But then let me just be lazy. But I have been training myself to stop feeling sorry that it's the rest of my life and say, I get to have a body that functions for the rest of my life. That's so cool. And then, really practically when I'm working out, even today, I just worked out this morning. I was thinking, thank you, Jesus, for my knees that bend. Because when your knees don't work and they don't bend, you're suddenly in awe of the fact that you need that bend. Thank you God for this excellent bench that I can bench press on. Especially in the gym that I go to, I could never afford all of the things that I use there. And so I just thank God, thank you for this excellent rack. This is like a 2, 000 rack. I get to use it for $25 a month. So it just, it's, content in his purposeful choice. And the next point is you have to learn how to do it.
Janet: Yeah, but I love you started with the root of all of that is not buck up.
Jocelyn: No, no.
Janet: It's seeing the delight of Jesus. Thank you. And so even the example you just gave when you are fighting that hard to not Feel sorry for yourself. Every moment that you fight that, you're getting to see something better about Jesus and you're being deepened. And that is beautiful.
Jocelyn: It is. And Philippians 4:11 and 12 tells us we, we literally have to learn how to be content. That's very helpful for me because I'm not naturally content.
Janet: Right.
Jocelyn: Like I do have a lot of joy and I have a lot of passion, but I'm not naturally content. So I think it's helpful to know that Philippians four says, I have learned to be content.
Janet: Yes. We should expect to have to learn.
Jocelyn: We should expect to. And contentment also focuses on stewardship, not ownership, which is really interesting and important.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: Because when I'm thinking covetous thoughts or discontent thoughts, I'm thinking like, I don't have the thing that I want. But stewardship says God owns everything. And he's letting you use the things that he's given you because he believes that would be good for you. So contentment sees how to use the good gifts in this world without being obsessed with them. It's important to understand that we function as stewards. Like we talk about at our church about stewardship all the time, but we're not just possessing something. We're using something and God gave it to us for a reason
Janet: and it's his.
Jocelyn: It's his. So for my personal example of working out for health, I'm learning to focus on stewardship of my body instead of just wanting to own a body that does all the things I want to do without putting effort into it. And literally when I'm working out, especially when I just want to quit I think you're investing in longterm health that will keep you fit to do God's work as long as possible, should he decide to make that a reality. But it's it's not about I want my arms to look a certain way or I want my shoulders to have this kind of roundedness because then it's all about my body. So I'm just saying, I just want to use it in a way that is helpful as long as possible.
Janet: And even if long term, you're in a wheelchair.
Jocelyn: Right.
Janet: That was not a waste because you were faithful and that's like Jesus. You got to be like Jesus by being faithful . And The likelihood is it will help your body long term,
Jocelyn: Yeah. And it did.
Janet: But even if it didn't-- love it.
Jocelyn: Yeah. The faithfulness was helpful.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: And then contentment focuses on investing in eternally important things and that's what we've been talking about. Like it comes from seeing and believing that the only way to have true satisfaction is by building a life that can never be taken away or destroyed.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: So there's a lot of passages that talk about this, but Matthew six especially talks about not storing up for ourselves treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy. And in this situation where tendons and muscles can be destroyed. Store up for yourself treasures in heaven where the thing cannot be destroyed and where thieves don't break in and steal where your disease doesn't steal it away from you for where your treasure is there your heart will be also. And that for me just means working out for the right reasons. I want my body to work for God and my family and my areas of ministry, as long as possible, instead of just wanting to look good and be able to wear clothes that I want to wear, which would have been a big motivation in the past. Like I'm able to work out. I'm able to eat right. If it means I will be able to fit into these pants and look a certain way. Cause I have my 25th anniversary coming up and I wanna look sharp for it, but like this kind of motivation lasts for a long time.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: It's much more lasting, much more something I can sink my teeth into.
Janet: Yeah. I just appreciate how honest and practical you've been. And all of us can relate. For some people they're going, I love to workout, so they can't relate to that. I can't relate to that person.
Jocelyn: There's, but there's something that they do have discontentment about.
Janet: But we all have something.. Yes, where we're discontent is an indicator of what I believe in that moment is more beautiful than Jesus's way. There's something better than faithfulness. It's easily looking the way I want to look. And I can completely relate with that one. And it's helpful for me. So the answer isn't buck up. It's meditate on his beauty. Choose to obey before our feelings catch up and then ask God to help us see what we're delighting in that's inferior. Not just you should feel guilty about it. Do you realize it's less?
Jocelyn: It's less. Yes. And I think there's so many, there's so many different things that could be put in here other than health and working out, like wanting a baby, wanting the number of children,
Janet: Which, good things.
Jocelyn: Yes. All good things. Wanting a husband, wanting health to be a certain way, wanting a certain kind of church, like fill in the blank, anything could go in there, and the basic biblical principles are going to be the same.
Janet: Yep. Yep. And if we don't learn to see that those other things are inferior and God is more beautiful. It's just going to lead us to the next thing you want to tell us about.
Jocelyn: It will. It will lead to self pity. So let's talk about the definition of self pity. The act or state of pitying oneself, especially in an exaggerated or self indulgent manner, which
Janet: That's not attractive.
Jocelyn: I know. Like sucking my thumb, pouting. It also means thinking sympathetically or sorrowfully about your own suffering, distress, or misfortune, often leading you to find relief or aid from your distress.
Janet: What's crazy to me is that in my head, those self pity thoughts seem so reasonable. Like anybody would feel this way and it's totally justified.
Jocelyn: It's totally justified.
Janet: And then in reality, it's exaggerated and self indulgent. It's almost like I have to say them because then I hear them. And you're like, Okay, that's actually kind of Ahab ish. I think I'm laying on my bed right now, not wanting to eat.
Jocelyn: Pouting. Staring at the wall.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: Those definitions are not flattering.
Janet: No.
Jocelyn: It's ugly when you feel sorry for yourself and this is so shameful to me, but one of my very early memories as a child is not getting my way when we were camping and I sulked over to the swings and pouted, feeling completely justified.
Janet: Oh yes. It's totally reasonable in your head.
Jocelyn: Everybody made me mad and I needed a moment and I was like, little, I remember this. And I overheard my mom say to one of my siblings, Oh, she's just over there feeling sorry for herself. And I was offended. I was like, I was justified. I could not believe she made me having a moment to nurse my wound sounds so terrible. I was literally, I was so offended. And it still comes back to my mind. When I get in an argument with Brian or I don't like something that he's done, my first reaction is to pout. It's literally still the same. And I think to myself, Oh, she's just over there feeling sorry for herself. So what's even worse. The definition of self pity in the Bible would describe the type of behavior the Bible calls being a lover of self, which is yucky, revolting, nauseating. So the Bible calls those who focus inordinately on themselves and their comfort, lovers of self. And 2 Timothy 3 says that leads to boasting, arrogance, and a lack of self control, which is so true. I'm just going to read this one because it's so important. 2 Timothy 3: 1 through 5, but realize this, that in the last days, difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips without self control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God. Just holding to a form of godliness, although they've denied its power. And here's the advice, avoid such men as these.
Janet: Wow.
Jocelyn: So it's disgusting.
Janet: Yes. So why don't you? Help us a little bit more to understand what is self love then, because if it's that disgusting we need to understand it.
Jocelyn: Especially because the world teaches us to love yourself.
Janet: Yes, it's a positive thing.
Jocelyn: Yes, it's a positive thing. So here's one reason why it's so negative. A love of self will lead to a prideful life lived with a self focus. And that contributes, like that passage said, to all sorts of works of the flesh and a dissatisfying focus on living a temporarily satisfying life. You can find more of that in Galatians 5: 19 and 21. So I'll keep going with my working out example. If I love myself most, I will feel sorry for myself when I have a hard lifting day, which I really hate. I detest sweating. I hate it when my legs are shaky. It feels very much like a panic attack. Like I realize why I don't like it. It feels like something scary to me. I hate all the hard work. And if I love myself, I'll be really quick to feel bad for me when I have to be so faithful.
Janet: You poor thing.
Jocelyn: I lay in bed and I'm like, Oh, today is legs day. I hate legs day. And I know is my legs are going to shake. It's going to feel yucky. And so I discontent and it leads me to just focus. And then here's what happens when I get out of bed. I'm grumpy with everyone in the kitchen because it's legs day. Don't they know that? Why are they talking to me? You laugh as if you never do it, Janet.
Janet: I'm laughing and I totally can relate because it's in those moments it's like it's totally reasonable.
Jocelyn: It's totally, yeah.
Janet: Which I, that's why I love that you're exposing it. Because you can't hear that and go, Oh yeah, that's right.
Jocelyn: That's okay.
Janet: But we do it.
Jocelyn: Yeah. That's why I wanted to take it out of lofty land and bring it down to reality. So a person with self focus will hate anything that is hard.
Janet: Oh, come on. Can't I just say that I'm the kind of person that doesn't do hard? Because that's what I would say.
Jocelyn: You can say that if you want.
Janet: But I'm a lover of self in that moment.
Jocelyn: So those with a self focus will especially hate suffering. And they will ultimately complain against any discomfort. And the scripture says, that God uses suffering to accomplish his good in our lives and to shine his glory. So a person with self focus literally, they'll feel sorrow for themselves when they have to go through hard things. But God tells us to think otherwise about suffering. And this is where I see my propensity to sin just shining. And it's been really convicting over a long period of years because I would struggle and I would get in a bad place and I'd be like, what's wrong with me? And I realized these examples are where I get off track. So we have a big garden. It grows in 125 foot rows. I know from experience, 125 feet of green beans will probably take two hours to harvest. So I stand at the beginning of that row and I literally lament and I say to myself, I am never going to be able to do this. Like it flows out of my brain. I've said it so many thousands of times. It's even worse when I'm at the beginning of the same row when it needs to be weeded. It takes two hours and there's nothing to show for it at the end. I'm just all sweaty. Like I've mentioned, I hate sweating. But it's anything hard. This is what I found when I've investigated myself. I say to myself inside of my head. I'll never be able to do this. I'll never be able to memorize this many verses. I'll never be able to clean this whole bathroom. I'll never be able to save that much money. I will never be able to handle this long of a plane flight. And then that sends me into panic, like I'm stuck in a metal tube up in the sky. I'll never be able to quit worrying about this. So I just feel bad for myself that I have to do hard things because I've already decided I'll never be able to do this.
Janet: And I find that in that moment, instead of at least doing what I can, which is the whole being faithful, that's the character quality, God did not say, I guarantee you, you can finish that row. He did say, go be faithful.
Jocelyn: Right.
Janet: And so in that moment, I look at a mound of work to be done and I tell you what I'm finding about me, which I have always known I'm lazy and that I don't want to do things that are hard. I know that I have to do them, but I know that's hard. What I'm learning is I can look at a mound of work that needs to be done, and it's overwhelming. And here's my next thought. I'm going to go distract with entertainment. What in the world? Which only leads to more work not done.
Jocelyn: And later on, you still got to do it. It's still there.
Janet: Yes. So now there's more probably. But, that's how I love myself in the moment, which I know the Bible calls that a worldly lover of self. But here's what we know. It's not even loving. To me.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: I've just made my life harder.
Jocelyn: And I think that proves the deceitfulness of it.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: Sin is so deceitful. And you often don't even see that you're sinning while you're sinning. And so it doesn't make any sense. We do things that are shooting ourself in the foot. In the name of getting away with stuff.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: That is not a great mental space to be in. And what headspace God tells me to be in, which is better, is humility.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: And we studied this a couple of episodes ago with Dr. Scott, but we're going to look at again from the response to self pity and self love.
Janet: Again, if you want a deeper dive, it's there.
Jocelyn: Humility tells us that God speaks about the self diminishing purposes of suffering. God wants his human beings to be more conformed into the perfect image of Jesus. And he doesn't necessarily have the highest goal of them being free of pain. Which I don't maybe naturally love, but I do love Jesus and I want more of him in me.
Janet: And we know this even as parents
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: Why do we allow pain in our children and sometimes cause it in discipline? Because we love them.
Jocelyn: It would good for them.
Janet: We get it, but it doesn't make sense when it's happening to us.
Jocelyn: But when I love myself I don't want to be.
Janet: That's right.
Jocelyn: So being conformed to the image of Christ will Necessarily be painful at times.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: As the stubborn parts of me are refined or removed.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: So I can embrace the growth that is taking place in my soul when I do things that are hard. And just as a disclaimer, because I don't want anyone to hear something that I'm not saying. I'm not saying be a glutton for punishment. I'm just saying don't avoid hard things. God is doing good things in the middle of the hard things.
Janet: And we have an episode on James on trials that would be good as well.
Jocelyn: Yeah. True. You have a great memory. Wow. . Also, God teaches us to see his humbling purpose in the middle of our pain. He is accomplishing our refining in the middle of our pain and he says, we'll be able to look back on that pain and see it was worth it.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: I'm so appreciative of that because ultimately we know in heaven we will, but like even on earth we can look back and say wow, I would have never maybe chosen that. Here I am 10 years down the road and I see what God did through that. When we have self pity, we're feeling sorry for ourselves about the pain we're experiencing. And we are purposely blinding ourselves to seeing the eternal good from that possibly discipline or just this pain.
Janet: We don't even want to know. It's just not fair.
Jocelyn: I just don't want to have to deal with it. Yep. So I'm trying so hard to apply this to the working out point of my life. And it's easy to think, I cannot believe I have to do this for the rest of my life.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: I spend so much energy complaining in my head about getting up on time, being faithful, that I don't ever be grateful that God is using working out to help me be strong as I age and more faithful spiritually. Like the act of getting up every day is good for me spiritually.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: And like a side awesome thing that's happening is I'm starting to make friends at my gym and build relationships with them. I never thought about anyone but me going to the gym.
Janet: Interesting.
Jocelyn: And so like all these relationships are developing that I never knew were part of the bargain.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: So I can allow these difficult situations that I usually want to escape from to humble me instead. And then thirdly, contentment allows you to adjust your own desires to fit God's purpose and conditions. And that's just especially true in light of the fact that God promises to mature us through our discomfort and suffering.
Janet: Yeah. I do think that my suffering is How I become aware of what my desires are that are different from God's. I don't even know it. And then it's this suffering. It's these hard things that make me aware of where I need to adjust.
Jocelyn: Yeah. So we have discontent that leads to self pity and then we get the deep, dark pit of despair. And this is the one that, That is the hardest for me. If I don't keep my thinking biblical, I can really quickly spiral out of control and get to a place of despair. It's just, it's dark, it's defeating, it's despondent and to have another D in there, it often leads me to have death thoughts. Like it's like the nth degree of self pity. Fine. If I have to deal with this for the rest of my life, I would rather be dead.
Janet: I don't even want to be alive.
Jocelyn: I don't even want to be alive.
Janet: Yep.
Jocelyn: And it just, when I get to that place is bad, I should have way gotten help before that. But. It is an honest truth that discontent leads to self pity and it leads to despair. So the dictionary definitions of despair are the loss of hope and hopelessness. To lose, to give up and to be without hope. Like your ears should already be burning as Christians, because we know what the Bible says about hope.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: A biblical description of despair and hopelessness. Basically the Bible exhorts us to be people of hope and not despair because we recognize that our fragile failing bodies are simply the tent for housing the amazing truth of the gospel. And we're reminded that our weakness showcases the greatness of God's power. In that case, our weakness and frailty and failures shouldn't drive us to despair, but to an even greater dependence upon God for help and awe of his flawless character.
Janet: Which will make us shine only brighter.
Jocelyn: Jesus was going to death and even then he was not without hope. Jesus was not despairing on the cross while he was being maligned. So 2 Corinthians 4:7 through 10 says we have this treasure and that treasure is referring back to 2 Corinthians 3:18 that says, we possess the greatness of the gospel inside of our souls. So we have this treasure, the greatness of the gospel in earthen vessels so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves. We're afflicted in every way. But not crushed. Perplexed, but not despairing. Persecuted, but not forsaken. Struck down, but not destroyed. Always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.
Janet: I love so much about this. And one is just Paul's honesty. He doesn't say if you focus on the right things, even being crushed didn't feel too. He gets it. He understands. And I never have to minimize my pain. I don't have to minimize the suffering, but circumstances that really are crushing.
Jocelyn: Yes.
Janet: There is still hope because of God.
Jocelyn: Yes. So when you get to that place of hopelessness, it's easy to start thinking really ungodly thoughts about escape, about getting out of misery. And so let's talk about what the Bible says especially about what hopelessness is and what a better solution from the scripture is. Despair and hopelessness are the result of believing lies about God and how he operates in the world. And the key to resolving despair is to read and believe God's word and to see practical ways that it applies in everyday situations. One of my just most used passages to fight against lies is 2 Corinthians 10:5. It says, we are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God. And we're taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. That's not just when I feel like it and get around to it, I'll think about why it's not true. It says we're destroying,
Janet: It's very active.
Jocelyn: Destroying them. So with my working out example, when I despair, I find that I'm thinking, it's such a shame that God thinks it's important that I'm a good steward. Literally, that's what I'm thinking. Like, why does he have to be like this? Being a good steward is such a drag. I cannot believe I have to be faithful the rest of my life. I will never be able to do that. And so literally my responsibility is to seek out that kind of thinking and to destroy it. If I don't destroy it, It will destroy me.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: So I do want to just give. a little kind of pause when we're talking about despair and acknowledge there are a couple different things that could make it easy to despair.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: And so you should be on the lookout for these. These are way more like spiritual than my example. Because my example is just like, I don't feel like working out and I need to do it. And so I do it, but there's three areas. One is unrelenting suffering. If you don't have a proper view of suffering and pain, you might not be able to see beyond the pain of the present. But God promises to be near you in your pain and also to respond when you cry out to him. It feels unfair to say that little amount of truth in relation to unrelenting suffering, but we have done some other episodes on suffering and especially on trauma, but it's easy to end up in despair if you just have suffering that never ends.
Janet: Ask Job and that's where he began to struggle
Jocelyn: or if you have a terminal illness or if you've been traumatized or if you've been abused, like that is suffering that possibly won't end during your time on earth and it could lead to despair. Another place where you may end up feeling a lot of despair is if you have a personal failure, you might find yourself in a hopeless situation because you've failed in a grand way. Like you blew it so badly that it seems impossible for God to love you or forgive you. And There's so many messed up relationships. So it's important to remember that scripture is full of stories of God's people who really messed up, but they experienced both forgiveness and redemption. And Hebrews 4:16 tells us we should draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in our time of need. So God delights in redemption.
Janet: To meet us there.
Jocelyn: Yes, he does. And then the third area where we sometimes find that we end in despair is false hope. And I think maybe my thing could fit into there. Like I have this false hope that if I just got to do whatever I wanted, I would be happy.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: And it turns out I feel way better and I have way more joy when I just get up and work out and don't complain about it. But some hopelessness is rooted in the fact that you put your hope in something that you should have never relied on. And it failed you.
Janet: And it may have been a good thing, but it's an earthly thing.
Jocelyn: Yes.
Janet: Yeah. Yeah. And that's such a reminder that we can and should have much compassion for those around us who are feeling hopeless. We don't just need to go
Jocelyn: Get over it.
Janet: That's where self pity leads. Yeah. Humanly speaking, they may be right.
Jocelyn: It may be tough. yeah.
Janet: It may be hopeless as far as a human change. They may be humanly speaking. So what an opportunity to share about a God of hope, compassionately.
Jocelyn: So the biblical solution to hopelessness, shockingly, is hope.
Janet: No way. No way.
Jocelyn: Hope and trust. One reason we're to have hope is that God will never give us more difficulty than we will be able to handle through his strength and empowering. And that is not the same thing as saying, God will never give me something that I can't handle. That's not a biblical application of Romans 8: 28, 29. He says, I'm going to push you to the limits where you have to rely on me.
Janet: Because you can't do it without me.
Jocelyn: Because you can't do it without me.
Janet: Yep.
Jocelyn: So 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, no temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape that you may be able to endure it. And it's God who gives me the wisdom to learn how to be healthy, but it's also his empowering faithfulness that teaches me to be faithful every day.
Janet: Yes. And he faithfully forgives every day that you're not faithful. You know? He is faithful.
Jocelyn: Every day that my alarm clock goes off and I'm like, I cannot believe I have to get up again. Our greatest hope comes from knowing that our greatest need has been provided through the sacrificial death of Christ on the cross. So the greatest despair any human could have dealt with is the fact that they will be eternally separated from God and everything good if they die in their sin. So I'm just so tempted to despair about things that are so much less important than that. And I have to remember this is a gospel issue. My greatest need has already been met. All of my lesser needs will also be met. I'm not despairing because I have a lack of something. Every need I have is met. I don't need to be lazy, to not have to work out to get away with light duty and excellent results. I don't need anything. I can live out of an abundance of what I've already received from Christ. So like that means I don't need to feel bad for myself when I'm going to the gym. And as a result, because I've already received everything from Jesus and have an overflow, I can be overflowingly loving to the people that I see at the gym or be kind. 'cause a lot of other people are grumpy at that time of the morning too. And so I, I don't need anything. And because I'm able to trust Christ with my salvation, I can also trust Christ with my trouble.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: I can call on him the day of my trouble and he will answer me. That's what Psalm 86:7 says.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: 2 Corinthians 9:8 says he's able to make all the grace abound to me so that I have sufficiency and everything. I have an abundance for every good deed. And it feels stupid to say this, but I'm learning to rely on Jesus for the strength to do all sorts of hard things. Even down to getting up when my alarm clock goes off and going to do the things that are good for my body and my faithfulness. In the big scheme of things are really unimportant.
Janet: But what they're doing in your soul is amazing.
Jocelyn: What they're doing in my soul is really important. And so I can't just be faithful on the big things. I need to be faithful on the little things too. And there are real reasons to trust God. If I place my hope in the fact that working out will keep me from disease, I have placed my hope in something false.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: But I have placed my hope in God who controls all things about my health. And I can be wise and participate in wisdom, but I can trust God. God's perfect character will never allow him to fail. He's completely trustworthy. He'll always do what he promised and that is what's best for us.
Janet: Oh, so true. So another podcast we did ordinary faithfulness.
Jocelyn: Oh yeah. True.
Janet: So if you're looking at that going aaa faithfulness still isn't attractive to me. That's another one.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: But it's so refreshing. It's like meditating on the truths that you just shared can help us take a deep breath.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: And calm our own soul. The one who died naked for me is not going to forget me now and he's promised to do what's best for my soul.
Jocelyn: So there's some really practical ways we can grow in this. And this first one is so cool. The first time I read this, I was like that's so awesome. And I think about it all the time. So the first thing to do to grow in this area is to retrain your fancy to be more in line with scripture. So there's this Puritan writer who talked about this. I'm going to read a quote. It's long. It's older language, but it's really cool. And it will explain what is meant by this. So Thomas Watson in The Art of Divine Contentment says it is the fancy, which raises the price of things above their real worth. What is the reason one tulip is worth five pounds and another, perhaps not worth one schilling? Fancy raises the price. The difference is rather imaginary than real. So why should it be? So why should it be better to have thousands than hundreds? It is because men fancy it. If we could fancy a lower condition better, as having less care in it and less accountability, it would be far more desirable. The water that springs out of the rock drinks as sweet as if it came out of a golden chalice. Things are as we fancy them. Ever since the fall, The fancy is distempered. God saw that the imagination of the thoughts of his heart were evil. Fancy looks through the wrong spectacles. Pray that God will sanctify your fancy. A lower condition would make us content if the mind and the fancy were set correctly.
Janet: I love that.
Jocelyn: Isn't that so cool? I get upset because I can't get the things I fancy, but Thomas Watson tells me that I need to retrain myself to fancy things differently. I should fancy the things God fancies. I fancy sleeping in and not being faithful. I'm fancying the wrong things. And I literally have to tell myself that like I'm putting value in something that God does not put value in.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: Another thing we can do is to work hard to be aware of our own covetousness.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: Psalm 139: 23 and 24 says, search me, Oh God, and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts and see if there's any hurtful way in me and lead me in the everlasting way. We can't be shocked that we are covetous. We should rather be hunting for it.
Janet: And I think we heard that in Dr. Scott's episode on humility, that the first thing pride does is blind you.
Jocelyn: Yes.
Janet: So asking the Lord, show me and being in biblical community. So that I should expect that people are seeing things.
Jocelyn: You will certainly get better feedback from others than from yourself.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: The third thing is we can also ask God to give us a greater love for him
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: than any person or thing. And you can read a little bit more about that in Psalm 19: 7 through 11. Also, and this is my personal number one solution to a lot of problems. When I was depressed, this was the biggest thing that helped me get out of that. When I despair, this is the biggest thing. You can look for reasons to be thankful, and you can learn to verbalize your thankfulness to and for God and to and for other people. There's all sorts of ways you can do it. You can create a thankful list or journal what you're finding to be thankful for. But like my biggest cure for hating working out has been Beginning to be thankful for very specific things. Thank you that this membership is only $25 a month. I have a friend who pays a hundred dollars a month for a gym. That's not even that good. Like it's only 25 bucks a month. That's great. Thank you that I got to swim today. I love swimming. I'm so thankful my gym has a pool. Thank you that my knees are bending the right direction. I literally have a family member whose knee cap doesn't work right and she cannot bend her knee. Imagine what it would be like to try to be physically fit without a knee that bent correctly. Thank you that my ankles don't have arthritis. Thank you that my tennis elbow is getting better. Thank you that my quads are strong enough to bend like this. Like when I do that and also when I remember to breathe correctly, workouts are not as bad because I'm thinking like, Wow. Look at the muscles that God made me. They're doing what they're supposed to do. It's so cool.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Also, it helps to remind yourself that your greatest needs will never be met by any temporal thing.
Janet: Like a perfect body that doesn't need to work out.
Jocelyn: Or gets to be lazy. The gospel reminds me that my greatest need-- forgiveness-- is the only true thing that we need. And that need was met in and through Jesus. Nothing additional will make my life better. I do not need anything. And then train yourself to think correctly about the way that God deals with you. That's blasphemous for me to think, I can't believe God is deciding this for me. I can't believe that he thought this was good. You might need to study biblical suffering. That was very helpful for me to understand there's a theology of suffering.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Develop a good personal theology of pain. God only allows good things, even if they're hard and When we're having judgmental attitudes toward God, it's blasphemous, but it puts God in the place where we demand an answer from him, which is so ridiculous. Like we're demanding the creator to answer to us, the created. And I I make assumptions about him. Like he's hateful. That's why he's doing this to me. He's spiteful. And so I'm letting my circumstances really dictate the character of God, which is unbelievably evil. The next thing is train yourself to need only the true temporal necessities. Like we truly do need food. It's probably a good idea if we have clothing on, we truly do need shelter. So it's easy to see our wants as our needs, but really we just need to focus on faithfully getting the things that are necessary and not wanting more of that. And then work to develop the spiritual quality of endurance and perseverance, especially when life is hard. I had to work really hard on this. I still have to work hard on this. So many of the things that lead me to despair are actually minor. I just don't want to have to work hard until the job is done. So I fantasize about giving up or I pout the whole time I'm doing it. I want the joy of having worked hard and having the satisfaction that comes with that. I don't want to bypass the working hard part. I want the joy that comes with it. And then last advice I have is just to learn to ask for and graciously receive the help of others and God. He's just waiting for us to ask for his help. If he designed this difficult situation for us to be in, he's delighted to serve us by giving us help when we need it.
Janet: Yeah. And I'm thankful again for biblical community because I can be blind to where I need to reorient. But when I do the work and face my own heart, I see how much better my savior is, and then I take him at his word. It's so much better than my way.
Jocelyn: Yeah. I have just a couple application questions that might be helpful to be a little wake up call, like my mom's comment. Help you hold a mirror up. I'll just read through them quickly, but you can listen to them and use them as an evaluation.
Janet: And they'll be in our show notes if they want to look at them.
Jocelyn: Okay. So do you believe that more money, a bigger house, a better job or whatever will make you happier? What is it that you believe will make you happy? Are you looking for something specific to make you satisfied? Do you think the Lord will give you what you desire before you learn to be content? What do you think you have coveted to the point of idolatry? What have you been willing to sin to get? What occupies my thinking most frequently? What do you worry most about losing? What do you value most? What do you trust more than God? To whom or what do you pay the most honor and respect? To whom or what are you most devoted? Where do you turn for relief? What happens when you can't get relief? How often do you find yourself despairing? What do you do when you notice self pity? Why is self pity in others so much more disagreeable than seeing self pity in yourself? And those questions came from a booklet called Discontentment. Why Am I So Unhappy? By Lou Priello? It's a great resource.
Janet: Wow. That's good. We talk about resources typically at the end and the reality is any resource that gets me focused on God, his beauty, practical implications of the cross, getting me focused on other people, basically when I'm encouraged to live out my design.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: It's an antidote to that selfish focus that is really behind all of these topics. And actually the passage that I'm memorizing right now, Romans 11:33-36, kept going through my mind. It's the orientation I need. I'm just going to read that because I just think it's been so helpful to me. Oh, the depth of the riches, both of the wisdom and of the knowledge of God, how unsearchable his judgments and untraceable his ways. For who's known the mind of the Lord, or who's been his counselor? And who's ever given to God that he should be repaid? For from him, and through him, and to him, are all things to him be the glory forever. Amen. And I think when I'm living that way, That's going to help protect me from the things you've talked about. What other resources have you found helpful?
Jocelyn: Clearly the scripture, which is one of the reasons why we're so pumped and jazzed about our read through the scripture challenge this year. Like we really want our listeners reading through the Bible and you have to have the word of God in your mind. You have to have the mind of Christ for you to think in a way that is righteous. Three practical books that have been really helpful for me are the Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent. Because if all of life is about the gospel, my greatest need is my rescue, then reflecting often on my rescue will be really motivating. I also learned Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. That is just a really very helpful book for me because I feel bad for myself because I don't trust what he's doing. And the third book that was really helpful for me was, Depression. Looking Out from the Stubbord Darkness by Ed Welch. depression and despair have a lot of similar tinges. And so learning how to handle depression, what depression is and how you get there often is the same as the path of despair. And so that was a really helpful book, but ultimately the scriptures. Learning to think God's way is the ultimate most helpful resource.
Janet: And in that vein, another resource that I've used with many and I've benefited from Paul Tripp has a 30 or so meditations on Psalm 27 called A Shelter in the Storm.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: That has been also really helpful to go. Okay. What has my shelter been? And in this storm of life? Where is my shelter?
Jocelyn: Yeah. Excellent.
Janet: So that would be another one. Thank you for doing this. I know it's not an easy topic, but I think it's incredibly practical and it's one that we're all dealing with. So thanks for sharing.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
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