Grief in Adoption — with Pam Bauer
Adoption offers a picture of the spiritual adoption Christians experience in Christ. However, for many adopted children, this journey can also involve deep sorrow and grief over the separation from their birth families.
This week, Janet and Jocelyn have the honor of hosting Pam Bauer, a graduate of Faith Seminary’s MABC program. Pam and her husband have adopted 12 children from Russia. Pam dedicates herself to counseling children in her community. Together, they discuss how adoptive parents can nurture a biblical understanding of God’s foreknowledge and sovereignty in their children. By grounding them in these truths, adopted children can better comprehend and embrace their place within their adoptive family, viewing it through the lens of our spiritual adoption into God’s family.
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Joyful Journey Podcast is a ministry of Faith Bible Seminary. All proceeds go to offset costs of this podcast and toward scholarships for women to receive their MABC through Faith Bible Seminary.
Resources
Resources
Books
Comfort the Grieving - Paul Tautges
Untangling Emotions - Alasdair Groves and Winston Smith
Building Bridges - Julie Lowe
Big Truths for Young Hearts - Bruce Ware
Website
Handout
Read Through the Scripture Challenge 2024
Transcript
Jocelyn: I don't just need to feel better. I need the truth. And ultimately that will make me better.
Janet: I just want to make it as totally simple as possible for ladies to see that the Bible is really applicable to their everyday life.
Jocelyn: When they understand theology, the application flows out of it quickly with joy.
Janet: It is a journey, but even the journey itself is joyful when I'm doing it, holding the hand of my savior and trusting him all along the way. This is the joyful journey podcast, a podcast to inspire and equip women to passionately pursue beautiful biblical truth on their journey as women of God. When you choose truth, you're choosing joy.
Janet: All right. Welcome back. This is Janet with a couple of people. First, my trusty co-host, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: Hey, friends.
Janet: And a special guest, Pam Bauer. Thanks for being with us, Pam.
Pam: Thank you, Janet.
Jocelyn: I'm so excited that Pam is here. To introduce our topic today, I'm going to read some quotes from Pam's master's thesis called, Grief: A Hidden Factor in Adoption and Attachment. And I read this a while ago and I was like, Janet, we have got to talk to Pam.
Janet: And you know how Jocelyn gets when she's passionate about something. We had to make it happen.
Jocelyn: Had to make it happen. So, we're honored that Pam is joining us today and we're excited to talk about grief and adoption because we are really pro-adoption.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: The scriptures are pro-adoption.
Janet: God is pro-adoption.
Jocelyn: God has adopted us into His family and it looks like a really cool, wonderful, rosy thing until you realize that there are some hard things involved with adoption. And so I'm excited that Pam is going to get to talk to us so that we can be more fully prepared to interact in the moments where it's difficult. So I'm going to start by reading this quote from Pam's master's thesis where she and she is also quoting someone else in this. So here's what she says, "Adoption emerges as a life altering event following a significant and specific loss. The suffering experience because of the separation of the biological mother and her child needs to be understood and responded to biblically. A child's life does not begin at adoption. They have a whole lifetime of experiences prior to their placement, which may include attachment to biological parents, abandonment, or separation, and even perhaps crisis, abuse, or drama. Placement in a new home does not erase any of this. The adoptive child's relationship with his family of origin is permanently altered and in many cases, severed. The birth parents surrender custody of the child and the child experiences abandonment. The mother is usually the active agent in that process, but the child has no voice at all and often both the mother and the child struggle throughout their lives with the impact of this decision." And then Pam goes on to quote Rosario Butterfield in her writing saying, "No child asks to be adopted. No child asks for incompetent or rejecting birth parents. No child wants to be told how lucky they are to be adopted. Adoption always starts with a loss, but adoption is also a story of hope. It's a blessing and a joy. That hope, blessing, and joy follows devastating brokenness." So today we're going to be talking with Pam about how to journey through the grief that is often a hidden component to adoption that most of us would never even think about or realize. Okay, Pam, why don't you tell us a little bit about your family and how you came to be interested in adoption?
Pam: Well, my husband and I got married right out of college and we had two wonderful kiddos right away and then got very busy in the tech world, ended up getting moved to the Northwest by Microsoft and then decided, well, why don't we adopt a couple of kids? Well, a couple eventually turned into 12. So we adopted three little girls that are not related to each other. And then a year and a half later, a sibling group of four that included a sister and three brothers. And then a year and a half later, a sibling group of five. And all of our adopted children came out of orphanages in Russia, so we know about international adoption, but not so much about domestic. Our youngest child at the time they were adopted was two years old, and our oldest child at the time they were adopted was nine.
Jocelyn: And how old are your kids now?
Pam: My youngest is 28 and my oldest is 40, and we have nine boys and five girls.
Jocelyn: So you've lived through all of the stages. Baby, teenager, adult, and now kids in their 40s.
Pam: All of the stages. Yes. And my husband, who loves math, says we had a teenage boy in the house for 19 years.
Janet: Oh, funny.
Pam: And so my claim to fame is I can speak boy. And I know, just feed him.
Janet: I'm so glad we're doing this because again, like you said, Jocelyn, we love the concept of adoption and it is beautiful, but if we make it with rose colored glasses, those who are walking through it. It can be blindsided and not know what to do. So Pam, can you start by just helping us think through, okay, what is adoption? We are like, well, of course we know what it is, but what is it? How does it come about? And how might a child's understanding of adoption even change or develop over time or differ from their adoptive parents' perspective.
Pam: That's a lot of questions.
Janet: And you have two minutes. No.
Pam: Well, adoption, there are many occasions for a child would end up adopted. Oftentimes a mother will find herself in a position of not being able to take care of a child she's given birth to. And new family, new parents need to be found in other situations, children may have suffered a family trauma, a car accident or everyone has died except the child and there's no extended family to raise that child. Other cases, adoption follows a tragedy where there's been abuse or neglect and social services has stepped in and removed parental custody or terminated it so children can find themselves in place of needing a new family for a variety of reasons.
Janet: Yeah.
Pam: But adoption can be defined in many ways. It is a legal process in one sense, in where the court changes who is going to be responsible for the raising of this child. Another way to think of it is in terms of relationship, that now that there's been a legal adoption, there's an opportunity for a child and their new adoptive family to form a relationship. This usually happens after there's been that legal process and the adoptive family finds that they are morally and legally responsible for this child in every way and the child becomes a permanent member of their adoptive family with all the rights and privileges of children born into that family and the biological parents lose their rights and responsibilities. But ultimately adoption is God's act of mercy towards a child in need, which does follow a devastating loss. So the next question I think you asked was how a child understands or grows to understand adoption, right?
Janet: Yes.
Pam: So the younger the child is the less they're going to understand adoption at the beginning. But as they grow and mature, they start to realize what they've lost. Learning what they've gained comes later. So in the beginning between ages of three and five, children understand family through the lens of kinship, who's part of my group, who takes care of me. And so there are many adopted children within that age group of three to five that are happy with their adopted families, right? However, between the ages of eight and 10 in elementary school, two cognitive developments happen that impact a child's understanding of adoption. And the first is they learn rudimentary biology and how babies are conceived. And then they realize that the conception did not happen with their adoptive mother. It happened with with another mother. So that means there's another father. And then that means are there other brothers and sisters? Are there other grandparents? Is there another whole family out there that I'm genetically related to? Brings up a whole lot of questions. At the same time, they start to learn cause and effect thinking. There was a cause, something happened, and the effect was I was adopted. And they wonder what the cause was. Then later on during their early teen years when the kids are normally pushing away from parents and learning what their identity is and who their affiliations are and fearing rejection, they come as they push away from an adoptive family, they come face to face with the thing they fear the most, which is being rejected and the fact that they once were rejected. And then they start to assume that the reason they were adopted was because they were undesirable or unlovable or unwanted. No matter how many times we adoptive parents tell them that is not the truth. It's where they just come to in their understanding. So not only is there, does their development change and grow and then their understanding changes. The perspective of adoptive parents and adoptive children are 180 degrees different. For adoptive parents, the adoption is so exciting. We have worked so hard, so much paperwork, getting so many people on board. Finally, we get to bring the child home and we're forward thinking. We're thinking of sharing birthday parties and T ball games and soccer games and the Gospel.
Janet: And rightly so.
Pam: And rightly so. Christmas and all this stuff, thinking forward. But for a child who's being adopted, they're thinking of what they've lost, not what they've gained. And by the way, where is my mom? And I'm looking backwards at everything that was lost. So with these two different perspectives, it's really hard to get the parent and child to begin to bond together.
Janet: Interesting.
Pam: For the adopted child, it can be a time of confusion and fear and grief. And the child doesn't even understand what adoption means. Adoptive parents are often times strangers. You do hear about an auntie who will adopt a child, but most often it's a stranger. And adoption for some children is just another event in a lifetime of loss, if they have had multiple placements. So the contradicted viewpoints can make it very difficult for a child and a parent to get together.
Janet: I can only imagine.
Pam: Yeah.
Jocelyn: So, many people think about all that an adopted child gains through adoption, but it is helpful to realize and understand that adopted children are also experiencing great loss. What could that look like?
Pam: Well, if we think of concentric circles with this very center circle being the loss of biological parents, the next ring might be extended family. They've lost possibly siblings or grandparents. They lose their identity as a member of that family. They might lose friends, favorite pets, or favorite toys. When you think of interracial adoptions, they lose their identity within their racial group of origin, and yet they've joined a group that they don't actually look like, and they're left in the middle in no man's land. In the case of international adoption, a child loses their country, their customs.
Janet: Their language.
Pam: Familiar smells, language, foods, textures. They lose everything that made life feel familiar and comfortable. It's like going to Mars alone, but with a whole bunch of strangers.
Janet: Terrifying.
Pam: Terrifying.
Janet: How do you see grief being involved then in adoption? How can grief be either complicated or experienced differently over the lifespan?
Pam: So if we think about grief, we want to think about a deep sorrow that results from the loss of something or someone unique, significant, or meaningful. Doesn't that describe a biological mother?
Jocelyn: Sure.
Pam: Unique, significant, and meaningful.
Janet: Yes.
Pam: It is part, though, of living in a sin cursed world. And Jesus even experienced grief at the death of John the Baptist and he grieved loudly at the tomb of Lazarus. And one day we know that God will remove death and grief will be no more. But in the meantime, grief is a normal part of life. So there is a triad of grief that impacts the adoptive child. So the first way, if you think of a three legged stool, the first leg is traditional loss where you might consider a mother and father who are together with their child and the mother dies. This would be a biological family. So there are studies that reveal two really significant things that help children survive such a loss. And the number one indicator for how a child would do is the functioning level of the surviving parent. The parent who went through the tragedy of the loss. The parent who knew the deceased parent, the person who knew the heart of the child and the second thing would be being able to stay connected with that deceased parent through movies, stories, dreams, talking with people who knew them. And then if you think of adoption, there is no surviving parent that they're with. They might be with highly functional adoptive parents, but not someone who went through the experience with them. And oftentimes, at least in my children's cases, there are no pictures. There's no, there's nothing.
Janet: No connection.
Pam: There's only their memories and no connections. So the resources that are available to help a child survive grief are usually not available to the adopted child.
Jocelyn: Wow.
Pam: The second leg of our stool is called ambiguous loss and that's the loss of someone who's still alive, which is usually the case for adopted children, a biological parent is still alive. And it creates a lot of confusion. And that ambiguity is hard to process. It brings up a lot of questions, a whole lot of the what if kind of questions. So such as will I ever go back home or will I ever have to go back home or will my biological parents come and find me? Will either set of parents fight for me? What if my biological parents do find me? What would my adoptive parents do then? Where would I go? Who would I live with? What do people mean when they say my real parents? Which set of parents are my real parents? Who do I look like? I didn't get to say goodbye. So what do I do with this sorrow that I feel and there's no place to put it? How do I express grief for my biological family when my adoptive parents say they were bad people or incompetent or drug addicts or they made bad choices? Do I have biological siblings? What happens if I find them? And eventually as they get older, those children will say, what about my medical history? I don't even have a history. So we can see this type of grief is really challenging for children and it's challenging for outsiders because they don't even recognize that it's there.
Janet: Right.
Pam: It leaves the children in a state of silence, not speaking these thoughts that they think because in our society, adoption is viewed as a wonderful problem solving event. A child has been placed, a family has been formed and no one sees the loss that happened beforehand. We don't realize how differently the children look at adoption. So then the child is left with many unanswered questions. Not only that, but it impacts his understanding of his adopted family. Because if you have other relatives out there, but they're not in part of your family anymore then that means people can be in a family and then not be in a family.
Janet: No permanence.
Jocelyn: That'd be so scary.
Pam: Yeah. So what do I do? What behavior do I do? And this family will kick me out.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Pam: Well, I'm going to check them all and see how solid things really are, right? Additionally, the behaviors that accompany ambiguous grief parallel those or mirror those of PTSD. So the children are oftentimes misdiagnosed and treated for PTSD when actually what they're suffering from is grief and a lot of what if questions. So they have trouble making changes. They have trouble with transitions, moving from one event to another. They have trouble making decisions and can easily be overwhelmed with decisions. They have problems coping with routine childhood losses like the last day of school or the death of a pet or my best friend's moving away. Things that are difficult for all Children, but they eventually take in stride can be showstoppers for those who are grieving, right? They also learn victim thinking. Why even try? I'm helpless. It's hopeless. Nothing's going to be different. I'm just going to sit here and life is just going to happen to me instead of seeing themself as an active worshiper under the sovereign care of a good and merciful God. They experienced depression, anxiety, and feelings of guilt. That's a lot to carry when you're only four or five.
Jocelyn: And it's like.
Janet: They can't even understand what they're carrying.
Pam: They can't understand it.
Jocelyn: And you have all the normal childhood things also happening, like all the development, all the thoughts, all the fears, like all the scary monsters under the bed with all of this in the background.
Pam: All of it in the background. Right. So the third leg on our stool is called disenfranchised grief. And this occurs when a loss cannot be openly grieved with public support. So, the adopted child's grief is overshadowed by their adoption because it's considered cause for rejoicing. And so, the grief is just left muted. A child's been rescued and that's all we're worried about. So the child can experience further disenfranchisement. If the circumstances surrounding their placement reflect poorly on their biological parents, especially if the adoptive parents judge those parents or point that out. So what we find is the greater the need to hide the loss, the greater the intensity of the reactions to the loss, such as anger and guilt and powerlessness. So we can see that shame permeates grief or grief permeates adoption in ways we would have never thought of. And we see that our children that are adopted think thoughts our biological children and we parents would never even consider. Of course, if their biological mother came to the door, I wouldn't give them back. That thought would never occur to me and yet it's one that they dwell on so often.
Jocelyn: Can you imagine just trying to be a normal kid? With all of that going on in the background.
Janet: And you don't know how to verbalize it even.
Jocelyn: And if you verbalize it, you would hurt your adoptive parents who, in many cases, you do love.
Pam: Right.
Jocelyn: And there are so many positive things and you feel like divided loyalty.
Pam: Exactly. And sometimes kids do take a stab at verbalizing it and then parents will just say, well, that's not something you need to worry about or don't be concerned, that'll never happen. And instead of listening to the child's heart.
Janet: Yes.
Pam: They talk on a different level. And so the child learns these are not safe thoughts to even talk about. I'll keep them to myself.
Janet: Wow.
Pam: It's isolating.
Janet: Absolutely.
Jocelyn: In your master's thesis, you mentioned children may not behave in ways that indicate that they are grieving, which, you know, from what you've just said is the understatement of the year. What do you mean by that? And then what might grief motivated behavior look like in the real life of an adopted child? And I know we're making kind of a gross generalization, but just in general.
Pam: So when we think of adults who are grieving, we might think of someone who's showing these external signs of grief. They have a heaviness in their countenance. They might have tears or cry easily. They might have disrupted sleep and a loss of joy, the wrinkled brow, poor concentration, poor appetite. And sometimes they'll even say, I'm grieving. I am missing my spouse, but that's not what happens with children. Children seem to grieve in short bursts, sometimes only 10 minutes long. So you might walk into the breakfast table and find Johnny sitting there, just staring sadly into his bowl of milk. But while you're trying to get three other children ready for breakfast and downstairs, you come back and he seems fine. And so you just think, oh, everything is fine. And you keep right on going, not realizing something was up and he really needed you to ask. So they will oftentimes have a flat expression, no smile, dull eyes, just sort of apathetic. They'll show their teeth, but their eyes don't smile when it's the right time to smile. They might have behavioral preferences for isolation or just sitting and staring out the window or gently rocking themselves. They can become overly clingy or overly demanding of constant attention. They can be lethargic and have trouble completing tasks without additional help, and they might just want to be held alot. Their thinking can be confused. They can become compliant, overly compliant, or defiant. They can express grief sinfully, sorry, through anger, destroying possessions, sabotaging relationship building experiences. They may reject love. Although they desperately need it. The term blocked care is coined for these children who have no confidence that adults will do what is in the best interest of the child. And so they refuse to let the love in.
Janet: Wow.
Jocelyn: Wow.
Pam: So it's not always possible for adults to accurately perceive whether or how a child is grieving because a grieving child is not easily recognized. And also this list of behaviors are just normal behaviors, right?
Jocelyn: There's so many children are just like that sometimes.
Pam: And there could be a lot of reasons for it.
Janet: It's a reminder that we've got to be nuanced and look at the child in front of us, not say, okay, this behavior must be this. I need to know my child. But to realize it could be coming out in all these ways.
Pam: And then just ask them, what are you thinking?
Janet: Love it.
Pam: You're looking a little sad at the moment. Who are you thinking about? Or what are you thinking about? Because when the child tells you, then you know for sure and you've got, you know what to do then. But in the meantime, it's just sort of a guess.
Janet: Right. Because maybe they were thinking about the frog that they were playing with and it hopped away.
Pam: Right. You just never know.
Janet: You just don't know what they're thinking unless you ask.
Pam: Right.
Janet: Yeah.
Janet: So specifically then when it comes to adoption, what would it look like to grieve righteously or unrighteously?
Pam: So righteous grief would be expressing sadness, acknowledging what is lost and seeking comfort, while at the same time recognizing God's sovereignty. Unrighteous grieving would be through outbursts of anger, defiance, self pity, refusing to be consoled. Sin always complicates matters and it causes further separation. However, grief is never an acceptable excuse to sin. So adoptive parents can acknowledge a child's behavior as sinful, and eventually we'll talk about dealing with that, but they need to understand the reason for it because that helps provide them insights in what they can do to help the child with the child's greatest problem other than their sin is the fact that they're grieving. So children need to be taught how to grieve righteously because they don't come into the world knowing it.
Janet: Right. Well, just like every other area of life, we come into the world twisted and sinful and responding to a lot of things wrongly. So we're going to have to teach them.
Jocelyn: And just like every other child in the world, all children are a combination of sin and suffering. And so even a child who's not adopted is going to have times of suffering and also times of sin. And so they're going to need to have help sorting through that.
Pam: Exactly.
Jocelyn: And so to learn how to grieve in a righteous way is something that most parents would not think about teaching. All parents need to teach that because all children will grieve. But it's important, I think what you're pointing out, is that in adoption, the child comes to the family with an underlying need to process through loss.
Pam: Right.
Jocelyn: And there will be a necessity to grieve in a wide variety of ways as the child develops over time.
Janet: Yeah.
Pam: And I think the wonderful thing is that grief can be because they come in grieving and they wonder what happened to their mother. And when you help them with those two huge problems, it becomes a pathway for building attachment so that they can learn what love looks like and that you are really there as a parent to help them.
Janet: And what was beautiful about that is that requires the mom or the parent, adoptive parents, to not be sensitive and I don't want them to think about their birth mom. I want them to only think about me. Well, if you want the attachment, it actually comes through helping them work through their birth mom and you being a safe place for them to work through that instead of you being sensitive to it and then they can't talk about it at all. And then you wonder why there's no attachment.
Jocelyn: And it just making me think of all the adoptive children with a reactive attachment disorder label or a diagnosis that, I mean, might be benefited from doing some grief work.
Pam: That's what I think.
Jocelyn: In order to assist the attachment to become a better fit.
Pam: Yeah, if we just get them home and then let's get them signed up for soccer and kindergarten and all those things and get going then we just like take this huge step right over the biggest problems that they have, which is the fact that they're grieving, they're scared and they want their mom.
Janet: Yeah.
Pam: Wouldn't all of us?
Janet: Yeah, absolutely.
Pam: Yeah.
Jocelyn: And you add in like trauma on top of that. Like how can they work through that if they can't even feel stable in who they are and where they're coming from and who they are in your family.
Pam: Right. And wondering if anybody really cares.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: So what's a biblical truth that can help adopted children?
Pam: Oh gosh, there's so much.
Janet: Like the whole Bible. Are there specific areas that would help us?
Pam: Well , I like children that I'm working with to know that their life does not begin at adoption and it does not begin at conception either. It actually begins in the mind of God.
Janet: Oh, love it.
Pam: In Job 14:5, it says, since man's days are numbered and the number of his months is with you, Oh, Lord, you have appointed the limits, which you cannot pass. So before a child is even created, God knows exactly how many months that person is going to live and there's nothing you can do to extend that. He says in Psalm 139:16, your eyes I saw my unformed substance and in your book were written were every one of them, the days that were formed for me when as of yet there was none. So not only did God know the number of your months, He knew what every single day of your life would contain. And then in Acts 17:26, he says, and God made from one man every nation of mankind to live on the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and boundaries of their dwelling place. So God not only knew how long you would live and what every single day of your life would be, He knew what timeframe in history you would be born and where on the planet you would live.
Jocelyn: That's so crazy.
Janet: I know.
Pam: It was all there in the mind of God before you ever came into existence. So then we know that the biological parents were able to conceive and birth the child but unable to care for them. So then our God, who is full of mercy, did His act of great mercy for this child to provide them with a second family. We see that in Psalm 68:6, that God settles the solitary in families and that He leads out the prisoners in prosperity. We see in Ephesians 2:4 that God is rich in mercy and Psalm 145:8 & 9 tells us that God is full of compassion and great mercy. We know from Matthew 6, not only is He merciful, but He provides for our needs and He has provided, He saw a child in need and He stepped into history to provide them with a new family, to provide protection, provision, teaching and training in righteousness that they would love and train up a child. So not only that, we know it's human to wonder. We all have questions.
Janet: Yes.
Pam: And some questions the Lord graciously answers, and others He does not. So we fall back on Deuteronomy 29:29, the secret things belong to the Lord. We also know that God is a God who understands grief and loss. Jesus grieved at the death of John the Baptist in Matthew 14:13. Jesus grieved at the death of Lazarus in John 11. God grieved over the sin of man in Genesis 6:6. Jesus grieved over the hardheartedness of man in Mark 3:5, and we are commanded not to grieve the Holy Spirit. So a child is grieving in the presence of a Trinity who deeply understands grief. God also promises that He will comfort us and strengthen us. So in 2 Corinthians 1, we know God is the God of all comfort. We know from Hebrews 14:6, that we are told to draw near to that throne of grace, to find mercy and grace in our time of need. And we know from Isaiah 40:29, that He gives power to the faint. So although the child's life has started with grief at very early point, nothing has happened in this child's life that would prevent him from having a God glorifying life of loving God and loving others. His life is so much bigger and so much more purposeful than where you were born.
Janet: Love it. So you've mentioned God's comfort. So thinking about that, how does God comfort us? And I know that one of the ways I like to think about my purpose here is I get to reflect the values of God to the people around me. So how do adoptive parents model God's comfort as a pattern in how they comfort their children.
Pam: That's a great question. We want to do two things with this. We want to help children to engage with the comfort that comes from God, to see His comfort in action and then we also, as you said, want to model that comfort to them. So I've just picked three ways that God comforts us. And those are really easy for us as adoptive parents to do. So God, first of all, comforts us with His presence throughout scripture. God promises He will be with His children. And He promises He will never leave nor forsake them. The tabernacle is God present with His people. We know He was present in the garden of Eden, in the tent of meeting in the wilderness, in the tabernacle of Solomon, He tabernacled. He dwelt with man as Jesus Christ. He remains as the Holy Spirit and tells us at the end with a new heaven and a new earth. Now, the dwelling place of God is among men. This is the God that our children worship or that we worship and hopefully our children will. So we want to be sure to tell our children their adoption story right from the beginning so that they are not surprised. There doesn't come the day I found out I was adopted. They just always know that we want them to know the sequence of events and to get them correctly. And then we also want them to see how was God moving you. What people did He work through? What circumstances did He bring about so that you would be adopted? We want God in our living room. We don't want our children to think about God in that stuffy old dusty book that's sitting under the pew at church that talks about people that lived 3,000 years ago. I want them to see God as active in their life right now. We can also go through the Psalms because they depict God as our refuge and protector. So asking the child, how did God protect you? How did He provide for you? We can remind them of God's faithfulness and the fact that He never changes. We can help our children learn to lament. Lamenting is hard. It's taking what is unbearable and trying to force all of it into words. And yet words are what God values and uses. It's what He used to speak creation. He keeps His word. Jesus is the living word. So we know words are very important in God's economy. So when I can help my child put their experience into words and pray those words to the God who knows what grief is like and the God of all comfort, then I'm helping them to know Who their heavenly father is. I want to ask good questions and help hear their heart and help them discern their heart. I want to teach them God's word through Bible reading. I want to pray with my child for my child about the concerns of my child at the throne of grace. I want to be that ambassador for my children. When they're old enough, I want to help them journal or create thankful lists. But this all requires an enormous amount of time invested on the part of adoptive parents that I want my children though to see that God is present with them and that we as parents are also present with them. So God's not only comforts us with His presence, but also with His acts of mercy. So I want to remind them of God's faithfulness and that when they're afraid, when they have all of that, what ifs, I want them to remind that they live in the kingdom that is under the merciful reign of God. I want to teach them that God has already dealt with their greatest enemy, sin and death. And that He did that by not withholding His only son from them, that He has provided a family for this child. The fact that they are adopted is evidence of God's mercy to them. We know that God sometimes works in miraculous ways, but most oftentimes He works through people. So I want them to see the people that He brought into their lives to do work on their behalf, to bring about this merciful act of God. I want to remind them they have all the love and rights and privileges of children born into the family, that they are not second class children. I can also help them on acts of mercy by establishing routines because there are certain times of the day that are just hard for adopted kids to get through, probably for all kids, but really for adopted kids. So I just create routines there so that it's easy. So getting up in the morning and getting ready for school. Let's just do the same thing in the same order every day. We all know what it is and it helps them move along. And then I can see which kids are dawdling or dragging behind that might need extra help that morning. I also know that when there's a new activity coming, it can be a time of real anxiety for an adoptive child. And instead of asking, what's going on, they'll just sit there nervous. So I want to explain to them what's going to happen and predict activities. We're going to go to grandma's house tonight. So we're going to pack a suitcase. We're taking your pillow and your fluffy blanket. We're all getting in the car together. We're going to drive to Nana's house. We're all going to spend the night. You get to sleep in this room. And tomorrow morning, when you wake up, we are all getting in the car and driving right back to this house. And I'm tucking you into this bed tomorrow night. And then they know, kind of what is coming. They're not left with a big what if. Another thing that might help physically is to draw using a big piece of butcher plate paper to draw a timeline of their life, marking out the different months that they have lived and what has happened and what did people do during those months? What did God do? And let them see that underneath what appears to be the timeline of their life is actually the everlasting arms of God who continues to do works of mercy on their behalf. The third way that God comforts us oftentimes is through His word, through the assurances He gives us. I know when I am scared or overwhelmed, what do I do, but go back and rehearse the promises of God, the stories of God and past times of faithfulness to me on His behalf. So as parents, we want to reassure our children that no mistake has been made, that God has sovereignly ordained their lives and they can rest in that. They're not in the wrong place. We want to assure our adopted children that their love for their biological family is not disloyalty to the adopted family, that we understand that kind of love because we also have biological families we love. And then we have in law families that we love. It's also like our church family that we love.
Janet: Yes.
Pam: So we understand multiple loves is normal and they're free and welcome and encouraged to love their biological parents. We can warmly welcome their questions, listen carefully, ask more questions so we're sure we're understanding heart issues, and help them find answers to the questions that we can. God reminding them too that God promises there is a time when grief will end and that suffering will be no more. And in His amazing grace, oftentimes that suffering and grieving ends before we get to heaven. There can come an end of grief even before then, but we know it all ends.
Jocelyn: That's encouraging.
Janet: Yes.
Pam: So we can be very careful though because remember God has the power to bring about every promise that He makes, but not so for us parents.
Janet: That's true.
Pam: So we need to remember that most of our promises are just plans and don't overstate what our intents are. So I think His presence, acts of mercy, and His word and promises are ways that as adoptive parents we can encourage our children.
Janet: That's true.
Pam: So we need to remember that most of our promises are just plans and don't overstate what our intents are. So I think His presence, acts of mercy, and His word and promises are ways that as adoptive parents we can encourage our children.
Janet: In the area of promises basically be faithful.
Pam: Absolutely.
Janet: But I can't control what I can't control. So I was even thinking about your example of going to Nana's house. So what happens when you find out that you have to stay two extra days.
Pam: Right.
Janet: You know, so you can still be faithful. So you've shown them faithfulness. You've shown them honesty and what you do know, and you've been faithful. And then we have to trust the Lord with the other things, but I love that, that the focus on being faithful and letting them know the plan and keeping your word to the degree that it is within your ability as a way to model the comfort of God. I love that.
Jocelyn: I also really appreciate what you said about encouraging the children to know that it's appropriate to love both families because I just know there's so much struggle and feeling like I have strong love toward my biological family, even if it's in a very complex package and I also love my adoptive family and I can have multiple strong emotions at one time.
Pam: Right.
Jocelyn: I think it's just helpful for kids to know that they're allowed.
Janet: Yeah.
Pam: And I think it's important on the part of adoptive parents, that they know that the children do love their biological families and give them permission.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Pam: Encourage that because otherwise what we're saying is an adoptive family replaces a biological family and people do not replace, people are not replaceable. One family cannot replace another. So I do remember a conversation with one of my daughters and she said, you can't have the place in my heart, that's for my biological mother. I said, I don't want her place. I want my own place. Are you able to make a place in your heart for me? You keep her in her place, you know, it's just people are not replaceable.
Jocelyn: And I think that adoptive parents probably need to take a moment to look in their own hearts and to see if jealousy is rising during those conversations. That's between them and the Lord and needs to be dealt with. Because we will notice habits of sin in our life as we're dealing with our children and we shouldn't be shocked.
Janet: I dealt with all mine before I had kids.
Jocelyn: But you shouldn't be lucky when you see jealousy coming out of your own heart for the love of your child that you sacrificed for. You went to Russia and picked up like you have done a tremendous amount of things and they did relinquish their parental rights. And so I think you're going to have to deal with your own sin as the conversations happen with your children.
Pam: Absolutely.
Jocelyn: But you can't ignore them because those conversations must happen.
Pam: They must happen.
Jocelyn: They must happen.
Pam: And oftentimes too, not only jealousy, but fear for the adoptive parent. Afraid that biological parents will come and take the children, when you love them.
Jocelyn: Like you do.
Pam: Like your own because they are your own.
Janet: Right. And you fear them being taken just as the adoptive child is wondering, will I be taken away? The adoptive parent may be fearing, will they get taken away?
Jocelyn: And the everlasting arms of God underline all of that. Like if God should choose to providentially allow something that difficult, He would never do it without a purpose. And He will always undergird the situation with His strength.
Pam: Right and sustain. Exactly.
Jocelyn: So one of the statements that really stood out to me as kind of a theme of your thesis was children need help to grieve. How can we do that? How can we help children grieve?
Pam: Well, first of all, they're not going to bring it up. So as adults, we need to bring it up and we need to tell them it is normal to miss your mom and to invite them to share their stories and what they remember. To ask them, are you missing your mom? Are you wondering where she is? It's not that we're trying to force them into grieving if they're not, because if they're not missing her, they'll say no. But if they are, we have made it a safe conversation to put on the table. And then when we notice that they are sad or lonely or missing her, then we can connect with them first of all, physically. So holding, rocking, cuddling, rubbing their back when we walk by, sitting side by side, so our thigh touches their leg, but just making that physical contact that says, I'm here. I'm not pushing my way in, but I'm here, if you need help. We can also help them by connecting verbally, helping them put their grief into words by asking questions. During transition times as I've mentioned before, we're going to explain what's going to happen and then ask children, what questions do you have? What are you afraid of? Because I really want to know what you think when you demonstrate that you care about the inner life of a child, you're showing them I care about you at the deepest level as a human being. Bedtime is the most difficult time for adoptive children. It is the time when all of the lights go out and all of the distraction goes out and where does their thoughts go? But right back to biological mom. One of the studies recently said that adopted boys think of their biological or deceased parents four to five times a week and the girls six to seven. So those biological parents are on the child's mind. So when the lights go out and the room gets quiet, that's right where their thoughts go.
Jocelyn: And just biblically, that's a Godly concept like God created parents to be intricately involved in the lives of their children and their children to be intricately dependent on their parents. So it's a Godly concept. We can understand and encourage it. Like encourage the processing of it and to not vilify it.
Pam: Right. Absolutely. So when it's time for bedtime we want to have that quiet talk at the end of the day, maybe with one soft light on in the room. I want to ask them, how did you see God's faithfulness today? What are things that God enabled you to do? Well, what's left for you to do tomorrow? I want to ask them if there's anything they're worrying about or thinking about. And hopefully by this point in time, they are comfortable with that concept of talking about biological mom. I want to pray about their sleep. I want to pray about their biological mom's provision and protection by the Lord for the night. And I want to talk about their hopes for tomorrow. What do you hope is going to happen? And then let's pray together. So I think it just keeps putting biological mom on the table in front of me that says to my child, it's safe to talk about her. She's an important part of our family story in our history.
Janet: And I love that you then took it to the Lord. We care about her and we're praying for God, who is the one who knows where and knows all to take care of her.
Pam: To take care of her. Yeah. We also can comfort them by connecting through listening. So when they do talk, I want to ask those questions that help draw out their heart. So I might ask questions such as, when did you learn that? Or when did you first have that thought? Or what did you think would happen? What were you hoping would happen? What are you afraid would happen? And just let them have an opportunity to share and to think more deeply. I can also help them reminisce. Especially if they were a later placed adoptee, well, what were some of those memories that you have of your mom? Well, I don't remember her. I was too little. Well, does a feeling come to mind? Does a thought come to mind? You have a picture in your mind of what you'd look like, even if it's not actually accurate. It's what your mind is dreaming up. What is your fondest memory? And then again, end in prayer. I can share with them what our experience was as adoptive parents when we found out about them. What did we do? What actions did we take? What, you know, what were we getting ready for? What was everyone saying to let them know that people were excited that they were going to be part of our family now? And then I also want to observe my children and find out when are the times of the day when they are the most willing to talk intimately. And what is the body posture? Do they prefer side by side in the car where we're not making eye contact? Or do they prefer across the table from each other? When is my child most comfortable? Because that's when I want to be sure and be available. So I can also comfort them with my words. So I want to tell them their history and be sure that they understand God's redemptive hand in their story. I want to reassure them they are totally normal. They came into the world in the normal way. They are loved by parents, loved by two sets of parents who both have made a sacrificial act to raise them. I want them to know they learn like most children do, that they are a sinner like all people in need of salvation and that the grace of Jesus Christ is sufficient for them as well. I want to teach them the gospel and showcase the beauty of God's attributes. And I want to do it in a way that creates wonder that they wonder what a God is like, who, and for example, a God, who already knows everything, what would it be like to never learn to always know? And yet He invites us to come and talk and to share with Him words He already knows. Why would He do that? And have them see, He wants to know what I think, He wants to know, He wants me to trust Him enough to talk to Him. But I want to create that sense of wonder with them. I might want to spend a little extra time on Moses and Esther, who are two adoptees that God used in significant ways because God loves adopted children.
Janet: Yes.
Pam: I also want to teach them a biblical view of emotions. I think all children need to know this. I know that scripture tells us to guard our hearts, but how can you see what's in your heart? And I've told kids, we have this magic microscope called our emotions. That when I have a feeling then it's telling pointing to something that's going on in my heart. If I instead act on my feeling, I have behavior instead, then I most oftentimes end up with my emotions on display, which is usually sinful. But I want them to learn what are they feeling. And I ask them a lot, how are you feeling about that? I know that we don't want to live by our feelings, but feelings do tell us our interpretation of life and they're important.
Jocelyn: I think feelings are so important.
Pam: Yeah. So I want them to know that feelings either point to a problem to be solved or a situation to be celebrated. But I also want them to know that grief should never fill a whole heart, that there should be room in there for love and gratitude and worship while you're grieving. And so I want to help foster and develop those things.
Jocelyn: Those are such great points.
Pam: So there are a couple of times in an adopted child's life that might need a little extra help and our opportunities for us to comfort in specific ways and that is as we've already mentioned honoring biological parents. So we have we've talked before about planting a tree or a rose bush that blooms at a certain time of the year. I know November is National Adoption Month. And there is a Sunday in there for biological mothers, but I prefer the Sunday before Mother's Day because biological mothers came before adoptive mothers. So, and plus it's an easier time of the year, you know, May. So we can find some plants that bloom in May, a rose bush that blooms in May, but it's a way of saying in my yard, we're honoring your biological mother. She really is part of our story too. When adoptive mom is going to be absent on a business trip. Super scary time because they've already had one mom say, I'll see you later and not come back. So it's a good time to get out the calendar, mark what they're going to be doing, what mom's going to be doing, to give them something of mothers to hold on to that when she comes home, they're going to return. So those are just practical ways. And then birthdays can be really difficult days because sometimes it's the wrong mom present. Or depending on their story, it could be the day that life got really hard was right at the very beginning. So in our family, birthdays are not sacred. You can pick any day you want. And if you don't like your birthday, then pick a different day. If it's good enough for the queen of England, it's good enough for you. And I did have one daughter who did that, didn't like her birthday, and so we just picked a different day. Other children, we minimized it. They, it was too much, too much being the center of attention and the focus and so we just sang happy birthday quietly. The whole thing was 30 minutes long. There were a couple of presents and then it was on with the day. So we're just trying to adapt those normal childhood events into a way that doesn't overwhelm our children. So we don't always have to invite the entire classroom for the birthday party.
Janet: But I love what you're doing is saying, again, I'm looking at the child in front of me and saying what's best for their soul, not this is what we do, you know, but if that's not best for them, then we do something what's best for their soul.
Jocelyn: And taking a lot of time to learn them. Like I appreciate that you're saying that you're observing them. You're asking good questions.
Janet: A lot of time.
Jocelyn: Yeah. It's a lot of time. So that you can respond to that person, not the group, not the fact that they're adopted, but that child.
Pam: Right. Right.
Janet: So, how can adoptive families be prepared for future grief?
Pam: So grief can reoccur in poignant ways for the adoptive child. When it's time to move out for college, does that mean I'm not part of the family anymore? Am I still adopted? Or am I alone now? When there's been the death of a family member and it brings back to an adoptive child who's already lost a significant family member, things here are not permanent. But they might be a little bit more nervous than a biological child on their wedding day when they would really like their biological mom to say, see, I made it, I turned out okay. And in those cases, when I run into situations like that, I've just told them, your mom would be so proud of you. She would love the man you've become or the woman you've become. And I can't wait till I can see her, I hope in heaven, and tell her what an amazing child she gave, a great gift. The day their child is born and they finally understand what parental love feels like and they may need help then even counseling, you know, how could she have given me up? And it's like, that's the wrong question. It's like with the intensity of that love, what it cost her to give you up? How much she must have loved you? When they hit the death of the adoptive parent. It's like now what now I'm back in that I don't have parents again And so those are times that can just be a little bit more difficult for an adoptive child than for a biological child. So what do we want to do? We want to develop now the habits of talking about heart issues and life issues with our kiddos. We want to anticipate difficulties and talk about them before they show up. We want to ask children what they think might be difficult. We want to make plans, "plans", so that we can show them that we are as prepared as we can be. So we've had our kids ask what happens if you die. And in that case, my sister had said she and her husband would take all of our kids. But she went on to say, I don't want those children to go to a stranger. So I'm willing to be your nanny. And then I know what their lives are like. I know who they are. They are just going from one house to another, but as much of their life would remain stable as possible. So that was a huge blessing to us.
Janet: What a gift.
Pam: There are sometimes though children who refuse to grieve, who just close off their heart and say, I will not let you in and I will not grieve. And I'm of the opinion if they don't grieve, they can't let you in. If they can't deal with what they've lost, then they're not ready to let somebody else in. Some children believe their adoptive families are roadblocks to their biological mother finding them and coming back. So what do we do with those children? But we continue to love and minister to them. We continue talking to them about heart issues, encouraging them that we still love them. Sometimes all you can do is state the obvious and say, I know I'm not the mother you want right now, but I am the only mother standing here. So what can I do to help you? And over time, maybe, maybe they'll let you in. We can certainly pray and ask for God to soften the heart. If they don't let you in, if they refuse to grieve, they will be extremely difficult to parent. They tend to be very rebellious, deceitful, hard hearted, and very strong willed. And you have to remember to keep your heart open and to pray constantly that the Lord would soften them and then you have to be willing to build that relationship should they come back. We have to remember that the child is not your enemy. Sin is your enemy and that it causes destruction in the world. So prayer is so vital. And then as adoptive parents, it's a form of worship. The Lord loves to extend mercy and He loves to care for the orphans. So when we adopt, it's not so I can become a mother, it's so that I can participate in God's act of mercy. And then none of my acts of mercy are ever wasted in the Lord's economy.
Janet: Yes.
Pam: Whether my child chooses to be attached to me or not.
Jocelyn: Wow. That is so good.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: So do you have any resources that you recommend for someone who would like to think more about how to interact with adopted children or to how to be a good adoptive parent?
Pam: Well, yes and no. I have some resources I've used that I've gleaned information from and had to adapt all of it for children and for the situation. So I used Comfort the Grieving by Paul Tautges to give me an understanding of grief, but then I have to look at my child and say, how have they grieved?
Janet: Right.
Pam: How are they grieving now? I've used Untangling Emotions by Groves and Smith.
Jocelyn: Yep. We love to book.
Pam: Understand emotions and to give that wonderful plan that He has on how to deal with them. I've used Building Bridges by Julie Lowe to teach a biblical worldview to children because I think they need that desperately. And I've used Big Truths for Young Hearts by Bruce Ware as just a wonderful way of presenting the gospel and gospel stories and connecting the gospel to their everyday life.
Janet: But it sounds like we might need some resources specifically on this subject. I don't know, Jocelyn, can you think of anyone who might be able to help us with that?
Jocelyn: I wish someone would write on that.
Janet: So listeners can all be praying that we'll be telling you and linking later in our show notes, Pam's new book.
Jocelyn: But I am really grateful, Pam, for your willingness to talk about this. First of all, I'm grateful to the Lord that He moved in your heart to want to study this. And that you spent all of the time that you did writing that thesis. It has already been so helpful to many of my clients that I work with.
Pam: Thank you.
Jocelyn: And I'm really grateful that you are developing resources and that this will now be a resource because it's really. In our church, we love a lot of families who have adopted and there are challenges in those situations. And so I'm glad for them to know that grief is such an important topic to address in their adoption story and that they can be encouraged as they are tools of God's mercy in those children's lives.
Pam: Thank you. Absolutely.
Janet: Thank you for coming.
Pam: My pleasure. Thank you.
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