A Picture of Marital Unity

Outline

4 actions to cultivate intimacy in marriage

I. Understand the Picture of Intimacy

A. The creation story explains that sex is a gift from God

Genesis 2:18-25 - Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

1. Sex was designed for procreation

2. Sex was designed for companionship

1 Corinthians 6:16 - Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “The two shall become one flesh.”

B. When practiced Biblically, sex brings glory to God (1 Thessalonians 4:5; 1 Corinthians 10:31)

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 - For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God…

II. Realize that Physical Intimacy Is Only Intended for Marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1-5)

1 Corinthians 7:1-5 - Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

A. Each person has an obligation to fulfill

1 Corinthians 7:3 - The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

B. In marriage you are not your own

1 Corinthians 7:4 - The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Ephesians 5:28-29a - In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it…

C. Sex should be a regular part of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:5)

1 Corinthians 7:5 - Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

III. Know what Destroys Intimacy

A. Sexual activity that is selfish in nature leads to destructive responses

1. Shame - sense of guilt

2. Covering - hiding guilt

3. Condemning - shifting guilt

4. Alienation - separation from your companion

B. There is no place for any form of sexual activity outside of the bonds of marriage

Hebrews 13:4 - Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

C. There is forgiveness for those who have failed!

1 John 1: 8-9 - If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

IV. Practice Intimacy to Serve Your Spouse

To start our time, I want to go back to the very beginning – before sin entered into the world, before there was pain or suffering or anything bad

God had just created everything—including the first man and woman—and had placed them in a lush garden

Here’s how it’s described in Genesis…

Genesis 1:29-30, 2:8-9 – God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you; and to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the sky and to every thing that moves on the earth which has life, I have given every green plant for food”; and it was so… The Lord God planted a garden toward the east, in Eden; and there He placed the man whom He had formed. Out of the ground the Lord God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

So imagine yourself in that place—you’re in perfect fellowship with God, you’re with your spouse who was literally created for you and from you, there’s no discomfort of any kind, and God is providing for your every need

According to our passage, what do you see as you survey this vast and unimaginably gorgeous garden, devoid of weeds, thistles, and mosquitos?

Hopefully, you see the manifold provision of a God who loves you dearly—life, pleasure, and joy all around

But there was one tree in particular, wasn’t there…

Genesis 2:16-17 – The Lord God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.”

Fair enough! There’s just the one tree out of countless and unimaginably pleasurable others

…but then someone else slithers his way into the garden—who might that be?

Does he call attention to the countless trees the Lord has caused to sprout from the ground?

He has that one particular tree in mind—the one and only tree we were called to avoid—we were given a million yes’s with only one “no”

And yet, our attention is drawn into this single caveat—this one tree that we were told would kill us—and Satan says… “take, and eat”

Let me ask you—what do you need to believe about God in order to take a bite of that fruit?

I want you to seriously assess your own heart and wrestle with that question…

To take a bite, you’d need to distrust His GOODNESS—distrust His WORD—distrust His PROMISES—distrust His PROVISION—distrust HIM

Would there be enough distrust in your own heart to eat that fruit?

We’re continuing our walk through the book of Ephesians as we Build on Our Heritage, and we’re taking a pause to discuss a topic that gets a lot of coverage in the book: the marital relationship

The aspect of marriage that we’ll be discussing today is often neglected from the pulpit

And while it may be avoided in the church house, it’s a topic that’s AMPLIFIED outside of these doors

We’re going to be looking at A Picture of Marital Unity—specifically the sexual aspect of a marriage

For that, please turn in your Bibles to Eph ch 5 (pg. ///////)

The first question you may have is: why would we choose to talk about this on the Sunday that we’re launching our ministries?

A fair question

The simple response would be—it’s what’s next in the text!

If we become the type of church that prioritizes our own thing over what the Word of God is saying, we’ll end up listening to our own supposed wisdom to the neglect of the voice of God

The next question that may plague you is: “why on earth would you talk about sex when a bunch of college students are trying to determine whether they want to make this their church home for the next 4 years?”

I think you know the answer to that question: we want to portray an accurate picture of who we are and what we believe

If we happen to be in a more difficult passage, so be it—we’ll let them decide what sort of fellowship they’d like to join

Your final question may be: “why should I care about all of this is I’m not married?”

For that, let me take us back to the garden we briefly stepped out of…

In order to take a bite of the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, you’d need be convinced by the same lie the devil sold our first parents on: God’s trying to keep you from the best thing

*hiking @ Philmont (“Christians can’t do any of the fun stuff”)

What lie was that young man believing?

He was convinced of what Satan was trying to sell: “inverse Eden” (*say “inverse Eden”)

Inverse Eden is where all the trees in the garden have bland, dull, and unsatisfying fruit, but there is ONE TREE that can satisfy

Inverse Eden is the complete opposite of God’s design, and the complete opposite of His created reality

And do you know what? We tend to believe this about a lot of things… God’s view of FINANCES (I own my own stuff), His view of RESPONSIBILITY (I just need to take care of #1), His view of SALVATION (there can’t just be one way), and so much more

But specifically regarding sex, what was the movement in the 70’s called?

The sexual liberation movement, or “free love”…

What is that? It’s inverse Eden

It’s a whole host of men and women, crowded around a single tree in the garden, engorging themselves on rotten fruit—all because they were told God’s way is “restricting”

So they clamor after the single “no,” believing as we so often do that it will bring about freedom or liberation

But what’s the truth?

Lift up your heads and see—God has provided a million “yes’s”!!

The reason this topic pertains to each and every person in this room is that all of us are susceptible to believing the inverse Eden lie—that God’s way is suffocating but the world’s way is liberating

And there are few locations that are more effected by this lie than the marriage bed

With that, please follow along as I read our text this morning…

Text

Ephesians 5:20-33 – …[give] thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. ²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of his body. ³¹ “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

This is the Word of the Lord

The portion of this passage we’ll be focusing on is found in verse 31, which is a quotation of Genesis 2:24

We’ll walk through 4 actions the cultivate intimacy in marriage in the time we have remaining

I think it’d be appropriate to begin by stating what is meant by “intimacy”:

It can be thought about on two levels: the physical and the non-physical

Both manifestations are unique in marriage, and one is exclusive to marriage

In other words, you can share a form of non-physical intimacy with a great number of people – friends, family, and most importantly, God

Non-physical intimacy is simply enjoying closeness with another, typically with implications of knowing them on a deep level

Non-physical intimacy is shared by those outside the marriage, but this type of intimacy within the marriage is unique to the other forms—in large part due to the presence of physical intimacy

Physical intimacy is just that—closeness and knowledge of the other in a physical sense – verse 31 talks about this when it mentions the two shall become one flesh

This type of intimacy is reserved exclusively for the marriage covenant—for more on a definition of what this is, listen to Pastor Viars’ message here last week

Looking at the physical form of intimacy, we must…

I. Understand the Picture of Intimacy

To understand this, we need to go back once more to the beginning—this is due to the fact that…

A. The creation story explains that sex is a gift from God

Please follow along as I visit the passage Paul is referencing in our source text for this morning—Gen 2…

Genesis 2:18-25 – Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed

Was sex a product of the Fall of mankind? (*explain)

No! Sex was God’s plan from the beginning!

And it had a lot of purposes that came with it

First…

i. Sex was designed for procreation

In other words, sex makes babies

This is the most obvious result of physical intimacy

And it was intended to carry out our initial commission (*explain: be fruitful…)

But we see also that…

ii. Sex was designed for companionship

This is what makes the non-physical aspect of marital intimacy so unique—there’s a companionship that accompanies sex that’s so undeniable, it’s even present when it falls outside of God’s intended order…

1 Corinthains 6:16 – Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “The two shall become one flesh.”

Now extrapolate that level of companionship over and over, spread out across a number of people, and you’ll have a rather fractured being

But when it’s practiced within marriage, the bond grows in grows, rather than divides and divides

But there are so many other designs of sex (pleasure, security, comfort, protection, etc.)

Additionally…

B. When practiced biblically, sex brings glory to God

This might seem like a foreign concept

I like the way Scott Mehl walks husbands and wives through this concept

He says that talking about sex and God in the same sentence makes people uncomfortable – almost like sex is a present God gives a couple on their wedding day and they close the door behind them

God is intricately involved in all aspects of our lives, and everything has worship implications—sex is no different

He even states our sexual purity as His WILL for us…

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 – For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God…

But we know God, and we recognize that each facet of our life is intended to bring Him glory and to grow us in likeness to Him

So we need to begin with an accurate picture of God’s design for sexual intimacy

But we then need to…

II. Realize that Physical Intimacy is Only Intended for Marriage

This point is implicit in our text this morning—after all, he’s talking specifically to the husband and the wife when discussing the one-flesh union

But there are other passages that capture this concept more poignantly– one of them being…

1 Corinthians 7:1-5 – Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

This passage speaks to the incredible provision God has granted us in marriage

Sin will cause our eyes to drift towards the one forbidden tree, neglecting the entire garden He’s laid at our disposal

In the marriage union…

A. Each person has an obligation to fulfill

We get this concept from v 3…

1 Corinthians 7:3 – The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

This may seem like drudgery, but it’s intended to keep us in the right part of the garden

That’s because…

B. In marriage, you are not your own

This powerful truth is drawn out in v 4…

1 Corinthians 7:4 – The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

So I am literally lugging around my wife’s property right now

But with inverse Eden, we are told that it’s OUR body, therefore we can make our own decisions about it

But for the married man or woman, you belong to one another—and this ought to be sobering

Our text today out of Eph 5 talks about this concept as well:

Ephesians 5:28-29a – In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it…

And because I don’t have authority over this body, I need to be very careful how I treat it

Further, the point Paul is making in Eph 5 is that I need to be incredibly careful how I’m treating my spouse

When I’m hungry, what do I do? (eat!)

When I’m tired, what do I do? (sleep!)

When my hand is touching something hot, what do I do? (take it off!)

If we care for the bodies our souls happen to be residing within in such a way, why would we presume to treat the body of our spouse any differently?

We ought to care for our spouse in the same way we care for our own bodies

But all of this is quickly applied to the sexual aspect of the marriage:

C. Sex should be a regular part of marriage

Right after addressing matters of authority, we are commanded to…

1 Corinthians 7:5 – Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Sex is often an accurate indicator of the state of a marriage

A lack of non-physical intimacy will likely result in the absence of sexual intimacy

The opposite tends the be the case as well—a couple that isn’t prioritizing the sexual aspect of their marriage will quickly lose that unique friendship

But that’s not even the most dangerous part—Satan himself is trying to call couples out of the garden, back to that one forbidden tree

If couples cease to enjoy the fruit God has given them in the marital garden, they may begin to listen to his voice once self-control begins to diminish

And all of this brings us to that forbidden aspect of the garden—we need to…

III. Know What Destroys Intimacy

We’ve spent a good deal of time talking about several trees in the garden; all the delightful provisions God has gifted married men and women

But it’s worth talking about the one tree God has forbidden

This aspect is certainly relevant to those who are unmarried as well

While you may not yet have access to the garden of sexual intimacy found in marriage, Satan is happy to let you chow down on some forbidden fruit

For married and unmarried alike…

A. Sexual activity that is selfish in nature leads to destructive responses

The exhaust of sexual activity conducted outside of God’s provision is guilt

That makes sense, because sin incurs a guilt, since we stand guilty before the One whom we’ve sinned against

And this guilt can take several forms…

i. shame – sense of guilt

This is the feeling one gets when they’ve sinned—at least, it’s the experience of the person who has an intact conscience

This shame will often lead to…

ii. covering – hiding guilt

What is the first thing Adam and Eve did once they ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

They realized they were naked (a burst of shame) and sought to cover themselves

When confronted on the matter, this led to…

iii. condemning – shifting guilt

What did Adam say? (“it was that woman that YOU gave me…”)

What did Eve say? (“the devil made me do it!”)

What did no one say? (“I did it!”) – it’s interesting that God doesn’t give Satan another opportunity to speak, but hands out his judgment first and most severely

But the punishment was severe for our first parents as well…

iv. alienation – separation from your companion

Primarily, Adam and Eve were separated from the gracious presence of God through their expulsion from the garden

They knew death upon the intrafamilial murder of their son—a bitter end they too would soon meet

Selfishness drove Adam and Eve to eat the fruit—they didn’t trust God to provide for them

Similarly, selfishness will drive us to seek extrabiblical provisions for our desires, though we must understand that…

B. There is no place for any form of sexual activity outside the bonds of marriage

This is stated most concisely in…

Hebrews 13:4 – Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

What’s the big question that dating or engaged couples will ask upon hearing this?... “how far is too far?” (*physically-speaking)

If they’re asking the question—whether single or in a relationship—they’ve already lost

That’s like me asking “how physically abusive can I get with my wife before I break the law?”

WRONG QUESTION!

As a Christian husband, what I should be asking is, “how do I love and serve my wife,” not “when are the cops showing up?”

Single person, dating couple, those who are engaged:

God commands more than waiting—He commands purity

Don’t entertain silly questions like “how far can we go?”

Ask “How can I grow in my relationship with Christ in this season and encourage my brother/sister to do the same?”

Use this season of singleness as an opportunity to love Jesus more and show the love of Jesus to others – in other words, grow in your spiritual intimacy with Him!

And Jesus didn’t just command sexual purity; He practiced it His entire life

You are emulating your Savior when you strive for sexual purity

But what if that doesn’t describe you?

What if you’ve fallen into sexual sin once, often, or ongoing?

C. There is forgiveness for those who have failed

**Voddie’s illustration

If you’ve ever seen the effect of a housefire, it’s quite devastating

This is what happens when fire is lit outside the intended location

What hope does someone have who’s been playing with fire and found themselves burnt?

1 John 1: 8-9 – If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

*explain (able to restore & cleanse), + gospel plug

But I also recognize that arsonists exist in this world

I’m talking about those who bring fire into the house of another and cause incredible destruction—possibly even burn a house to the ground

Though we’ve mainly discussed how the choice to engage in sexual sin can be destructive, we know that…

There is healing for those who have been sexually abused (*repeat)

If you’ve been sexually sinned against, it’s most certainly had an impact on you—whether you know it or have sought to suppress it

The destination I would refer you to is no different than anyone else’s—the cross

Talk to the Lord about it, bring your pain, hurt, frustration, brokenness, etc—He is a God who hears and heals

And If you have not done so already, I would also encourage you to talk to a trusted brother or sister in Christ about it as well

First off, they can offer biblical wisdom and practical help in dealing with the matter

Most often, that looks like them helping you sort through thoughts, emotions, results, and so forth—all in a way that provides true hope and lasting change in Christ

Additionally, this could also involve them giving you wisdom on any possible follow-up

Many sexually abusive situations require safety measure to be put in place to ensure nothing happens to you or anyone else—some of these situations even require litigation or police involvement

Like any housefire—there’s a great deal of destruction and work required in the wake of the blaze

This is particularly difficult if the fire was caused by someone else’s malicious arson

But, to be frank, arsonist belong in jail and houses were meant to be rebuilt—not for its tenants to sit in ashes forever

And the thing about Jesus is that He’s a Carpenter by trade—One who sits in the ash with us, then—if we allow Him to—builds us into something stronger and more beautiful thereafter

And then, one day, those who are in Christ will be a new creation altogether:

After all, He’s the One who will say…

“Behold, I am making all things new.” – Revelation 21:5

But I want to conclude our time together with a charge to our marriage couples…

IV. Practice Intimacy to Serve Your Spouse

Perhaps you’ve neglected the garden that is your physical intimacy

My first encouragement would be for you to talk to the Lord about that—ask His forgiveness where necessary, and ask for Him wisdom on how to grow in this area

Next, talk to your spouse!

Again, ask forgiveness where necessary, but then come up with a plan to glorify God in this area of your marriage

Don’t hesitate to reach out to someone you trust in the church – any of your pastors would be willing to come alongside you in this season as well

Lastly, there are plenty of resources to help you in this

I referenced him earlier, but Scott Mehl (spell) has some excellent material on this matter—especially a talk he gave entitled “Biblical Counseling and Sexual Struggles in Marriage”

You can find that resource along with others online

To the intentionally single, my word to you would be that of your fellow unmarried friend, Paul: may your life be used to undividedly pursue intimacy with Christ and serve the Lord!

To those who are single but desire marriage, my word to you is found a couple of times in the Song of Songs: do not arouse or awaken love until it pleases… Wait patiently on the Lord and pursue Christ with everything

To each of us: don’t believe the inverse Eden lie!

In EVERYTHING, God has provided abundantly for us—any restrictions are for our own good and are in the vast minority

Romans 8:31-32 – What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?