Act, Don’t React

Our annual theme is Building on Our Heritage. We are expressing thanks for our past, celebrating our present, and considering what the Lord has for our future.

• We always want to ensure that we are doing so biblically. Biblical Christianity is confessional. There are things we believe and form the foundation for how we think and life. Therefore, our church has studied Ephesians this year.

• We are at that place in Ephesians where we are talking about communication. Our mini-series is entitled Communication that Unifies.

The past four weeks, Ephesians brought two subjects together that have partially, maybe significantly, defined how Faith has tried to function over the last 45 years.

1. The doctrine of Progressive Sanctification. We believe that the Lord meets us where we are, but he does not plan on leaving us there. We must continue to grow, mature, live with wisdom, and accomplish God’s purposes for our lives. In fact, Ephesians 4:1 says, “Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk worthy of the calling.” He is talking about Jesus’ work of reconciling us to God and each other. Now … walk worthy.
   1. This is a key doctrine for our ministry. Pastor Viars explained the put off, renew our mind, and put on process.
   2. We want each person, ministry, organization, and aspect of our church to grow. This process only ends when the Lord returns or takes us home.
2. The 4 rules of communication. I think it is fair to say that most people who struggle in a relationship say that they have communication problems. Ephesians 4:25-32 is one of the most important passages on communication or more specifically what progressive sanctification applied to your tongue looks like.
   1. We have learned (a) Be Honest; (b) Keep Current; and (c) Attack the problem, not the person. It is hard to do that. In fact, it is radical to change these areas.
   2. We are not talking about minor adjustments to an already awesome character.

There are plenty of times at work, to your deacon, small group leader, pastor, or in your family it seems expedient to tell a small lie. “If I am honest” you reason, then that will lead to a 20 minute conversation about how I am wrong about this, that, or something else. I do not have an interest in that.

• Keep current. Yea, that sounds great until keeping current means that we must continue to talk about something until I agree with you. No, keeping quiet and sweeping that issue under the rug sounds more appealing to me at this moment.

• I tried to attack the problem and then he/she gave some snarky comment. The next thing you know, we are both saying mean things about and to each other.

Friends, the Lord is calling us to change the way the speak in the same way that the thief is radically transformed into a philanthropist. Not little adjustments, but radical heart change.

• The Bible says that the tongue hard to control. It says, “life and death is in the power of the tongue.” That is why we sang, “Lord, I need you.”

• Church family, we need the Lord to help us transform what comes out of our mouth.

• It must begin with a willingness to recognize that what we say does not always honor Jesus because that is not what our heart wants in that moment.

John reminds us …1 John 1:8 If we say we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.

Jesus taught that … Matt 15:17-19 Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated? But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.

• If we will not admit that our hearts still want something different than what the Lord wants and thus still say things that dishonor him, then we will not see a need for change.

With that in mind, please turn in your Bibles to Ephesians 4:31. That is on page ___ of the back section of the Bible under the chair in front of you.

The 4^th rule of communication and the title of our message is Act, Don’t React.

Ephesians 4:31-32 do not include the words “act” or “react.” However, we are trying, with this rule, to distinguish between the quick, instinctual, and emotional words compared to thoughtful, biblical, and wise responses.

The Lord tells us that our words must come from thought actions rather than from sinful, impulsive reactions. Let’s consider what the Lord’s word says. Read Ephesians 4:31-32.

Let’s consider 2 Steps in growing in communicating with thoughtful actions

I. Guard Against the Sinful Reactions of the Heart (v. 31)

Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

The six words of v. 31 describe actions and attitudes. Anger, bitterness, wrath, clamor, slander and malice, not only come out in our words, our body language, and our actions, they describe a heart condition.

• Bitterness does not describe only how a person behaves, but also the attitude of their heart.

Let’s consider each word and see why these cannot be part of our lives if we are to walk worthy of the Lord’s calling and grace.

Bitterness.

One lexicon defines bitterness as: a state of sharp, intense resentment or hate. Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996), 763.

One vivid example of bitterness is Naomi. She tells others to call her Mara, the Hebrew word for bitter…saying…

“She said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. “I went out full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the Lord has witnessed against me and the Almighty has afflicted me?”” (Ruth 1:20–21, NASB95)

Naomi’s conclusion was that the Lord treated her harshly and unfairly.

• At this point in the story Naomi could only see her lost husband and two sons. The background of every picture she saw included their gravestones. Nothing else mattered.

• That is why she wanted to be called, and identified, as bitter. That is why she wanted to send her daughters back to their pagan families unconcerned for their spiritual life. That is why she viewed men as the saviors of female problems. Get husbands and your life will be so much better.

• Only a bitter woman whose husband and sons died could have come to such conclusions.

Let me tell a story from my own life to further illustrate the damage bitterness causes. Some of you have heard it before. If so, just sit back and enjoy it a second time. If this is your first time, don’t judge me too harshly.

• When I was in 3d grade I was apparently a very difficult student to have in class. My academic grades were fine, but we also received behavior grades. Let’s just say that mine needed to improve.

• The longer the year went, the more I was in trouble. A watershed moment happened before the final grading period. My dad told me that if my behavior marks did not improve then I would forfeit my allowance for the entire summer as punishment.

• [mind you I only got a couple dollars a month … but the thought of losing those dollars all summer was horrifying to me … $8 in 1980 properly invested in Amazon would be worth $1.4 million]

• I was convinced that the class has been radically transformed on account of my behavioral improvement.

• It was, in my opinion, the greatest injustice I had ever experienced. She was the cause of the greatest calamity of my life.

For decades I viewed her as the epitome of evil. In the early days of America’s Most Wanted I checked to see if she would be on the show. Surely I am not the only victim.

• My memory of 3d grade was dominated by one set of behavior marks that resulted in the loss of my allowance.

Thankfully I am over it now … at least mostly! But here is what it did for a long time.

• It made me incapable of speaking constructively or in a balanced way about my 3d grade teacher.

• Worse, it provided an opportunity for me to practice bitterness as a child so that I could apply and perfect it to future relationships and situations.

My story is kind of funny and bit ridiculous. Sometimes the story is not funny.

• I hear students speak about their recent teachers. They are developing the skill of bitterness. They are crippling themselves for life.

• Sadly, some spouses view their loved one that way. They are so full of bitterness that they cannot speak constructively about them. When criticism comes out – it is sinful.

• Life is read … like my 3d grade year … through one set of marks.

• Sometimes, even worse, with the same characteristics as a 9 year old.

I once read that bitterness is like drinking poison and thinking someone else will die.

• Bitterness will destroy us.

• We will see things like Naomi did in the book of Ruth or I did in 3d grade; we will lock on to disappointing things and read our entire existence through it. Just call us Mara.

The Lord had amazing plans for Ruth and Naomi. Thankfully, Naomi woke from her bitter slumber to see them in time.

If we are going to honor Jesus with our tongue then bitterness cannot be in our heart.

The text continues …

Wrath and Anger

There is overlap in the meaning of these two words. Rather than discuss their differences, I am going to discuss them together.

We know that some anger is just because Jesus was angry. Mark records an account where a deformed man was in the temple area and the religious leaders were watching to see if Jesus would heal him so that they could accuse him of breaking the Mosaic law.

“After looking around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, He said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored.” (Mark 3:5, NASB95)

Jesus was angry because they had no compassion for the deformed man. He was nothing but a tool in their eyes to accuse Jesus. We saw earlier in v. 26 that we are called, at times, to be angry.

Verse 31 provides no such provision or qualification. “Let all wrath and anger be put away from you.” The reason is simple: All too often our anger is not also associated with grieving at the hardness of people’s hearts.

Our anger, both in its reasons and its expression is about us. You violated my sense of justice and now you will pay.

• While verse 26 discusses using anger to solve problems quickly, verse 31 coupling it with wrath says that this form is about your Kingdom and your Rights.

Meaning, when you are angry and wrathful, it is all about you. Not only are we angry about the wrong things, our expressions of anger are also ungodly. Robert Jones discussed this difference when he said….

“Righteous anger remains self-controlled. It keeps its head without cursing, screaming, raging, or flying off the handle. Nor does it spiral downward in self-pity or despair. It does not ignore people, snub people, or withdraw from people. Instead, righteous anger carries with it the twin qualities of confidence and self-control. Christlike anger is not all-consuming and myopic but channeled to sober, earnest ends. Godly strains of mourning, comfort joy, praise, and action balance it.— (Robert Jones, Uprooting Anger, 30)

When sinful anger and/or wrath is in my heart, then I will not be interested in what the Lord wants.

• It is not hard to see how anger will breed more anger.

Prov 29:22 An angry man stirs up strife, And a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression.

James 1:19-20 This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Isn’t it amazing what one moment of sinful anger and wrath can destroy?

• Relationships can be forever broken.

• Those moments can be the defining moments of a childhood, a marriage, or church.

I saw a vivid example of this recently. The US is hosting the COPA America Soccer tournament. It happens 2 years before each World Cup. It includes all the teams from North, Central, and South America.

• Since the games are in the US this year many people wanted to see them have a successful tournament.

Everyone is put in groups of 4 where they each play each other. The top 2 move on to the knockout stage where it is win or go home.

• During the one of the group stage games a US player punched an opposing player in the back of the head. It was caught on the 48 million cameras in operation during the game.

• He got a red card and the US had to play with 10 players instead of 11 for nearly the entire game. They lost the game and did not get out of the group stage.

The man brought embarrassment on himself, the team, the tournament, and the nation.

• The highlight reel of his accomplishments will include that one moment he punched another player in the back of the head and sacrificed the hopes of the nation at the altar of his anger.

I couldn’t help but wonder how many marriages, parent-child relationships, friendships, and churches have been hurt, wounded, or destroyed by wrath and anger.

We would do well to see the Lord’s warning and let all wrath and anger be put away from you.

Clamor

Our lexicon defines clamor as:

the sound of a loud scream or shout—‘cry, shout, scream

Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996), 398.

I believe that some homes are characterized by clamor – that is the fancy word for there is a lot of screaming, yelling, and shouting in one’s home.

• Thankfully, I did not grow up in one, did not have one, and still do not live in one.

But please see that this is not just a “family of origin issue.”

• Your family handles things quietly and mine screams a lot. It is just two different ways to function.

Dear friends, do not be fooled by such logic. When there is screaming, yelling, and shouting there is sin. It is not just the way we do things. It is an affront to the gospel.

• That is why the text says, “let all clamor be put away from you.”

We understand the temptation …

What happens when your spouse does something for the 10,000^th time. The dishwasher is right there. You don’t even have to take a step to move from the sink to the dishwasher … you just have to bend down. You can’t believe it.

• You just want to scream. Right there, that moment, needs Ephesians 4:31.

What about those times you don’t believe your spouse is listening. You are talking and they are looking at their phone. You want to grab their attention and scream at them!

What happens when your child forgets an assignment, gets a detention, and then you must deal with it?

• “How is that possible?”

These are the moments we want to yell and scream. But clamor does not accomplish righteousness. That is why it must be put away.

• If you home is loud, then one take-away is bringing the overall volume of the home down.

• It is not a minor adjustment, but a radical transformation.

Slander

The term means: to speak against someone in such a way as to harm or injure his or her reputation Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996), 433.

While each of these terms is distinct, it is not difficult to see how they could be related.

• Bitterness in our heart toward a person could easily lead to expressing sinful anger and wrath against them directly or to slander them to someone else.

The Lord warned his people about slander before.

Psalm 101:5 Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy;
No one who has a haughty look and an arrogant heart will I endure.

That is a serious warning from the Lord about how he sees the heart of one who slanders.

Proverbs reinforces the same thoughts.

Proverbs 11:9 With his mouth the godless man destroys his neighbor, But through knowledge the righteous will be delivered.

Have you ever been on the receiving side of slander? Since it happened behind your back, you had no idea. However, you notice that when speaking to someone that something is off. They seem combative or argumentative and you do not understand why. Then, at some point, you learn that this person spoke to someone who slandered you.

• It wasn’t fair; it wasn’t kind.

• Worse, it will take a long time to repair the damage.

As recipients, we know the hurt, pain, and cost. Let’s put all slander away from us.

Lastly, our text talks about putting off…

Malice

a feeling of hostility and strong dislike, with a possible implication of desiring to do harm Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996), 763.

This last characteristic highlights the intent associated with bitterness, anger, wrath, clamor, or slander – harm. You see, malice accompanies these things.

• That is one reason these ways of communicating are so destructive.

• They all share the common characteristic of wanting to harm another person in our heart.

Our context is radical change … it is put off and put on.

First, we must be honest about these tendencies. It doesn’t do us any good to pretend…I’m not angry…when you are angry.

• It doesn’t do you any good to claim, “I’m not bitter” when everyone around you can see that you are bitter.

• Sometimes, sad to say, we have malice in our heart and want to harm another person. Without admitting it, we will not change it.

Second, we must change the way we think.

Our thinking needs to be honest about the situation and controlled by God’s word.

• We all have a propensity to turn narratives over in our minds. To rehearse stories that are not exactly true and then cling to our lies.

We will justify our anger, defend our bitterness, and excuse our slander. To the degree any of this is true for us, we need to own it.

• To use the terminology of Matthew 7:1-5 --- we must admit that we have logs in our eyes.

• Then, once we admit it, we must take the log out of our eyes.

• Please do not hang on to lies. Repent of them.

1 Peter 2:1-2 Therefore, putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander, like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation

You might need help.

• No accountability partner can make decisions for you but they can encourage you to follow through on the commitments you made.

We have ABFs, point man groups, and ladies Bible studies to ensure that everyone has an opportunity for meaningful Christian community.

• You must take advantage of them. You are less likely to hang on to your bitterness, anger, and clamor with malice when you are around people who can help you see the lies.

The Lord not only explains what we must put away, but also what we must add or put on. Long for the pure milk of the word …

II. Choose to apply God-pleasing motivations

If we remove bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander, then what goes in its place?

Being Kind to One Another

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Remember that we are putting on kindness because it is one way we walk worthy of our calling. Sometimes a person may act with kindness expecting the people around them to acknowledge and reward them for it.

That is not the point. We speak and act with kindness because that is what honors the Lord. When our heart focuses on kindness then we begin to practically apply

Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Kindness looks for ways to care about the interests of others. Since today is looking primarily at communication, we might rightly ask, what does kindness look like when it comes out of our mouth?

I bet you could come up with a great list.

• It is kind to give thanks for the things that people do. My wife does not need me to thank her for every load of laundry she does or every meal she makes, but she would acknowledge that it is kind when I tell her I appreciate her efforts.

• It is kind to compliment things that are right. As fathers we see the problems in our children. We know the dangerous paths that they might take. But our children also appreciate hearing the good things.

• It is kind to speak words of security especially when our world does not seem very secure.

• It is kind to speak words of affection that are appropriate to the relationship.

Kindness, as a term, emphasizes a good response in relation to a challenging situation.

• It is possible to be angry with a person in the home, in the church, or in a job that you see acting selfishly, looking out only for themselves?

• Your heart is tempted to let them feel your wrath for how they are hurting you and others.

Here is an Ephesians 4:32 moment. We can choose the path of kindness, even if that includes correction, because our heart wants kindness rather than anger.

• That is why I say this is radical change and not a small adjustment.

• Only by God’s work and grace in our lives can we respond to a challenging situation with kind words.

Our second commitment to a God-pleasing motivation would be

Acting Tenderly

Acting tender-hearted is not just affection and care for another; it represents the entire heart of a person.

• We would often hear this in the writings of Paul as he spoke of others and why he would be sending them with his messages for the care and tenderness he described them.

• As he did this, it was for the purpose of uniting the church that they would openly welcome those who Paul was sending in his place.

Tender words are described in many places in the word…

Proverbs 15:4 – A soothing tongue is a tree of life, But perversion in it crushes the spirit.

What powerful imagery. A soothing tongue is a tree of life. That reminds me again of life and death is in the power of the tongue. If anger, clamor, bitterness, and slander bring death then kindness and tenderness bring life.

Or in Paul’s direction to the church at Colossae…

Colossians 4:6 Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.

When we choose grace-filled speech, blessings, opportunities for ministry, and strengthening relationships results.

• A harsh tongue will rarely open an opportunity for gospel conversations.

This is what we need to have in our hearts to replace bitterness and malice…Put on love and compassion so that our words might lift others up instead of speaking in ways that crush and hold them down.

The final point to make is that we are called to in choose God-pleasing motivations by

Offering Forgiveness

It is wrong to withhold forgiveness when asked or to pretend like you forgive only to use it as a later weapon. When we forgive we promise (1) not to bring the issue up to other person’s harm (b) not to share it with others and (3) not to dwell on it ourselves. Easier said than done.

When we forgive in our hearts, then saying the words is the easy part. It might be possible to think that this is unrealistic. In fact, this entire exchange in vv. 31-32 is impossible.

But the final phrase of our passage gives us the explanation. “Just as God in Christ has also forgiven you.” This not only serves as the motivation for why we must forgive. It also explains how the saving relationship with Jesus occurs so that the truths we have studied all year in Ephesians are true for you personally.

We can exchange bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander with malice with kindness, tender heartedness, and forgiveness because the Lord reconciled us to himself and to one another through his death, burial, and resurrection.

If you have a saving relationship with Jesus then this exchange is possible through Christ as a way to walk worthy. However, if you do not have a saving relationship with Jesus, then you need to start there.

You must see and acknowledge your sin as an offense against a holy God and the very reason for Jesus’ death. Then, that you would place your faith and trust in his finished work so that you might be saved.

Communion Sunday

How fitting that after seeing how radical this exchange (bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, to kindness, tender heartedness and forgiveness) is, that we have communion to remind us of where the power for change comes from.

At our church, we practice open communion. We mean that you do not have to be a member of Faith to participate, but we ask before you take the bread and cup you determine two things.

1. That you have a saving relationship with Jesus. You repented of your sin and trusted in the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ.
2. That you have examined your own heart and confessed your known sin so that you can come to the communion table with a clear conscience before God.

As long as you satisfy those two things, you are welcome to participate. If not, please let the elements go by and no one will judge you.

Our communion instructions occur in 1 Corinthians 11 beginning in v. 23.

• The Word says (read 23-24a)

• Have the man on my right thank the Lord for his body.

• Men will return. Read v. 24 and take the bread.

After the bread read v. 25a

• Have the man on my left thank the Lord for the new covenant in his blood.

• When the song stops. Read vv. 25-26. [the men will not return]