Act, Don’t React

I want you to imagine two families on the opposite sides of a political battle, and no I am not talking about the upcoming or even the recent elections. Consider what it might have been like for two families, who knew one another, lived and did business with one another, and even had sons and daughters marrying, but the year is 1865. The Civil War just ended and your neighbors across the river, well some of them, well, they fought on the other side.

Even though it was part of the war, you lost fathers and brothers to the battles in the war, fighting for the Confederacy, and now with the fighting done, you have to look across the Tug Fork of the Big Sandy River and there is the reminder of all of that loss…and the reminder has a name…Asa Harmon McCoy.

Yeah, I know that the war was over, but the feelings were not gone for some to include a group called the Logan Wildcats, a militia group in Logan County Kentucky that included William Anderson Hatfield as some others of the Hatfield clan.

In 1865, with the war fresh upon their hearts, the Logan Wildcats crossed the Big Sandy and murdered Asa because they saw him as a traitor, having served with the Union Army.

Some see this event as the beginning of the feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys while others see Asa’s murder as an isolated event and look a decade later when Randolph McCoy, accused Floyd Hatfield, a cousin of ole William Anderson for stealing a single hog. When Floyd Hatfield was found not guilty based on the testimony of Bill Stanton, a relative of the McCoy’s who was married to a Hatfield, well let’s just say it did not end well for Bill during a fight with a couple of the McCoys who were later acquitted of murder for reasons of self-defense.

If you want the more romantic version of the story, some would say that the feud centered around the love affair between Johnson Hatfield and Rose Anna McCoy, a love opposed by both sides and eventually broken up by the McCoys.

But whether it started with a murder, a love affair, or with a stolen pig, the feud went on for decades with attacks of one family upon the other to include kidnappings, the burning of homes and more murder…

The feud continued for years and only began to fade in the early 20^th century as the family leaders began to move one. Randolph McCoy died at the age of 88 from burns suffered in an accidental fire and for the redemptive part of the story, Ole Devil Anse, or William Hatfield was born again and baptized at the age of 73 and died about 8 years later in 1921.

Are you glad that that is not the heritage of our church, that there is not a history of feuding, a heritage of hatred towards others for reasons that we can hardly even remember?

But can you imagine what might be going on the hearts of men that would cause a feud like that to carry on for so long…

Where the bitterness infected their thinking , their words towards one another and even their actions…It all had to start somewhere…

I want you to think about your neighbors, about those folks across the street or even right next door to you.

I want you to imagine the most annoying things that you could think of about that they do.

• They leave their garbage cans down at the curb for days after trash pickup

• They park their cars in front of your house

• They don’t mow their lawn until it is like 6 inches long

• They don’t even put Christmas lights on the outside of their house.

If you were my neighbor, you might think all of these things about me…

Now imagine how you might be thinking each day when you come out of your house if even one of those things is the first and only thing you think about when you see me outside.

• I might be setting my trash down on Monday, and all you can think about is that the lid is not down tight and trash will probably blow into your yard…

• You come home and there are cars all around the cul-de-sac – see now they are having their Bible Study and you think there is nowhere to park, as you pull into your garage and close the door.

• Finally he is mowing, but He never cleans up the clippings

The next day – you are out in the front lawn, you see your neighbor…

What are your words to them?

• Are they short and courteous, but then you head back inside to tell your wife – At least THIS week He took in the trash cans.

• Or are they sharp and dismissive and your neighbor is left thinking, wow, Who put the bee in his bonnet?

Then to imagine a better picture, a picture based on a better way to address conflicts, I hope that you would give thanks along with me that our church might look a little different here…

This year, we have been celebrating our annual theme of

Building on Our Heritage

By unpacking the truths that we find in God’s Word that help us to understand God and to understand what God has said is true about us. In chapters 1 through 3 of Ephesians, we explored the gospel indicatives and our identity In Christ.

From there, we find that chapter 4 speaks about how God wants us to live because of these truths and we are being given a clear picture of what our Christian walk should look like, to include the key picture of what change looks like in a Christian’s life.

In verses 22 through 24, we see the call lay aside the old self…we also call this the putting off of the parts of our lives that remain corrupted by the lusts of deceit…then through the renewing of the spirit of our minds, by the acknowledging of the truth, but about our sinful nature and the truth about a God-pleasing life, we are called to put on the new self, a self created in the righteousness and holiness of the truth.

The following verses help us to see multiple examples of putting off and putting on in a way to help us apply these commands and find hope for change in our lives

Woven throughout these 8 verses are biblical truths regarding how God calls us to speak as Christians…you may have heard this referred to as the 4 rules of communication.

I believe this is an area where every one of us has room for growth.

Do you disagree with me there… 1 John reminds us that

1 John 1:8 If we say we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.

How many of you can think of a moment where immediately after you said something, that you wanted to be able to scoop those words back in so that you might say something differently.

• I take that back

• I did not really mean that

We want to be able to say that, but we have to acknowledge where those first words came from…

Recall Jesus’s teaching to his disciples

Matt 15:17-19 Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated? But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.

The things that proceed from our mouths – this is where Jesus was warning of how our words reveal the sins of our hearts while in our teaching for today from Ephesians, we will find some answers that will help us to put off the words that divide and to put on

Communication that Unifies

We are covering this topic in 4 parts, and I realize that we are starting in the middle and will return to the top. That is to allow Pastors Viars and Aucoin to join us over the next two weeks. As such, for today, I will be focusing on the 4^th rule…

Act, Don’t React

Which we will find comes from Ephesians 4:31-32.

And to see this truth in context of the others, I will read the larger passage of Ephesians 4:25-32/

READ Eph 4:25-32

Having heard last week about Attacking the problem, not the person, today we will seek Communications the Unify by taking

2 Steps in growing in communicating with kindness

The first step in growing in our communications today will be that we must.

I. Guard against the sinful reactions of the heart

For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. How then do we guard against these sinful thoughts and sinful actions?

Paul is showing us in our text today and path or progression that we must guard against taking…

He is telling us the attitudes of the heart that must be put off…

Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

As we walk through each of these terms, I want you to consider how each can lead to the next, making our early actions to guard our heart the key to choosing the path we will walk.

As we step through these terms, I hope you will see that malice would not even exist if we did not allow these other heart issues to grow…

Bitterness

Therefore to guard against the sinful reactions of the heart, I will suggest that we must begin with bitterness, to guard our hearts from bitterness.

Eph 4:31 Let all BITTERNESS and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Let’s begin by defining the term

Bitterness - a state of sharp, intense resentment or hate

In considering our words, we do not often think of words themselves as bitter, but rather it is the heart that leads to the words that may demonstrate dissatisfaction to include grumbling and complaining.

Bitterness is the sharp intense resentment or hate that can lead to wrath, anger, clamor and slander, and we will get to those, but what about when bitterness exists that is not at the moment revealing itself in these other sinful reactions…

Bitterness brings out words of complaint and words of grumbling or murmuring.

We see one of the clearest examples of bitterness come from Naomi in the book of Ruth.

In a time of famine, Naomi’s husband had taken her and their sons to Moab where the sons would marry Moabitess women, Orpah and Ruth. After Naomi’s husband died and then her two sons died as well, when the famine was over, Naomi set out to return to Bethlehem and when she arrived, the other women asked – Is this Naomi? To which she replied.

Ruth 1:20-21She said to them, “Do not call me ^[g]Naomi; call me ^[h]Mara, for ^[i]the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. ²¹ I went out full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the Lord has witnessed against me and ^[j]the Almighty has afflicted me?”

Naomi’s heart is clearly holding on to bitterness against God and her words of grumbling demonstrate that clearly to include that she claims a new name – Call me Mara, which means bitter in Hebrew.

She did not just have bitterness, she now called herself bitter…

To help us guard our hearts against the same type of bitterness, let’s take a look at her words…

• The Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me

• I went out full , but the Lord has now brought me back empty.

Ask yourself, what is true about these statements?

• Who is to blame for how Naomi sees her circumstances – Naomi points all blame to the Lord

• Did she really go out full?…Her husband took their family and left their home because of a famine.

• Did the Lord really bring her back empty? Who was it that was standing right beside her…a young girls who said “where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God.” Ruth had demonstrated exceptional faithfulness to her mother-in-law Naomi.

Naomi’s bitterness towards God left her unable to see the truth right before her and her words reflected the depth of her bitterness

How could Naomi have guarded her heart against a sinful reaction…

How can we guard our hearts against sinful reactions?

Bitterness is fueled by how we view our circumstances, both in how we see other people’s involvement in them as well as how we see God.

And like Naomi, when we begin to place blame or responsibility on others for our circumstance or when we see our lives through a lens that is focused on self, we begin to believe lies about what is really happening…

Thus to help us to guard against a sinful heart of bitterness – I want you to bring two biblical principles to work as a shield to bitterness…

• First, love your family member, neighbor, boss or co-worker the way that God calls us to love. 1 Cor 13 says that love rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.

• Therefore to guard against bitterness, we must choose not to assume the worst of others, but love them by believing all things and hoping all things.

• Second, we must consider that what we are believing may not be the most accurate understanding. When bitterness grow in our hearts, we begin to dwell on certain details about what has happened or about our circumstances. Ask yourself – is it actually true? And if bitterness continues to grow, humbly ask someone else involved so that you might dwell on that which is true, honorable, right and pure as Paul describes for us in Philippians 4:8.

But if we do not guard against bitterness, we can expect that bitterness will lead to

Wrath and Anger.

Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and WRATH and ANGER and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

It may be a slow simmer or a coming explosion…Wrath and Anger are the sinful response of a heart that has not gotten what it wanted.

Because the meaning of these words has overlap, for the sake of time, I am going to handle them together today

James teaches us about this in asking

James 4:1 What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?

When bitterness grows because we do not believe we are getting the things we deserve, when we are not getting the things we want, the outcome is the quarrels and the conflicts among you.

And in the path where wrath and anger scorch the earth, all we find is destruction

Prov 29:22 An angry man stirs up strife, And a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression.

And Jesus described the significant consequences of our anger in the sermon on the mount…

Matt 5:21-22 “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘You shall not commit murder’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.

When our anger explodes, and the words of our mouth overflow to bring down your wrath leaving a scorched earth behind…remember James also described the tongue reminding us of how great a forest can be set aflame by such a small fire.

But he also gave us a key to guarding our hearts from Wrath and anger and helping us to seek communication that unites…

James 1:19-20 This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

If we want to choose to act, and not react, this command in James is a command that will force us to act in ways that are not our natural tendencies…

• Be quick to listen. Do you make it a conscious choice to listen for understanding before you speak?

• This also means not talking to yourself, in your head, prepping your first comments. Listening is more than just not talking…

• Then be slow to speak –

• Your first words may need to be the questions you need to ask to increase your understanding.

• Even then – choose to speak slowly

• These steps will help you be slow to anger…guarding against the sinful nature of the heart.

And by guarding against bitterness, wrath and anger, you will have also helped guard against allowing your words to reach the level of…

Clamor

Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and CLAMOR and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Clamor is defined as

Clamor - the sound of a loud scream or shout—‘cry, shout, scream

I can recall a time in the first year after we had opened the community center. I spent most every evening down here. I would go home and then I would come back to help whoever was on shift with addressing a problem.

Sometimes the issue was in response to teenagers who were here and just wanted to do whatever they wanted to do. But this is not about their sin, it was about mine and what I wanted…their obedience to the NCC rules…and when I did not get it, was there bitterness, yes, did it grow to wrath and anger…yes…and sometime clamor…I am thinking about one specific afternoon where it became a loud cry, shouting doesn’t seem to describe it, and I screamed. I justified myself saying that I had to get their attention…I was not justified…it was clamor

Does that ever happen in your home?

• Husband’s – when is the last time you raised your voice in order to dominate a conversation – clamor?

• Mom’s – does this describe your words coming out of frustration with your kids? – Clamor?

• Teens? – Mom and dad just don’t understand – Clamor?

Guard your hearts from sinful reactions by admitting that it is a sinful reaction and taking the steps we have already discussed…

But would you believe it can get even more serious than clamor…yes when we allow bitterness, anger and wrath to grow to a point where we choose to

Slander

Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and SLANDER be put away from you, along with all malice.

Up to here we might classify above as reactions that we need to guard against…we need to be cautious with that thinking because it can lead to thinking we are not responsible…but we are…

But with slander, it is not so easy to write our words off as an oops…

Slander is defined as…

Slander: to speak against someone in such a way as to harm or injure his or her reputation

First two quick things about this from the opposite side of this issue –

If you believe that someone is seeking to slander you – in order to guard your own heart and how you might respond in your words…

• First, let’s go back to believing the best of the person … though their words may be piercing, can we begin by not assuming the intent to harm

• That would make all the difference in how to confront the problem

• Then – when you area able to address the problem, you will be able to follow principle #3 and attack the problem – (your words could be considered slanderous) instead of attacking the person (You are a slanderer).

So then – How will we guard our hearts against a sinful reaction of slander…

Let’s acknowledge how serious slanderous words can be…

Take a look at what Psam101 tells us.

Ps 101:5 Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will ^[a]destroy;
No one who has a haughty look and an arrogant heart will I endure.

That is a serious warning from the Lord about how he sees the heart of one who slanders…

Proverbs reinforces the same thoughts.

Prov 11:9 With his mouth the godless man destroys his neighbor, But through knowledge the righteous will be delivered.

Words of slander are words of destruction, but what knowledge will guard our hearts?

• If you are going to speak about another person – think first about what God has said about them - They are created in the image of God and He loves them

• So you are called to love them too

• Knowledge should also include the truth about the issue about which you are speaking.

• Therefore, will you choose to use words that will seek to build them up, or will you choose to tear them down

Guard your heart against slander and lastly, guard your heart against Malice

Malice

Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all MALICE.

Bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and slander all need to be put away from you…along with all malice

Malice is defined as

Malice - a feeling of hostility and strong dislike, with a possible implication of desiring to do harm

Everyone of these reactions is equally sinful, but the idea of Malice, or to use a similar term…to hate your brother…is of particular significance to the Lord while his solution is equally of significant power….

1 Pet 2:1-2 Therefore, putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander, like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation

Through each of these points we have a theme that has developed. To guard our hearts, we must choose to seek the word, to long for the truth that is found only in God’s Word.

I know that none of this comes natural to us and I know that to grow in these ways can seem daunting,

But let me give you hope…that the power of change does not rest in you…recall from the putting off and the putting on, that none of it is possible without the renewing of your mind…We all need the renewing of our minds in order to find in our own hearts the communication that unifies.

Then as we are seeking to guard ourselves against the sinful reactions of our hearts, with the help of Christ and in the power of the gospel

We can take the second step to growing in communicating with kindness…

And that step is to

II. Choose to apply God-pleasing motivations

Let me pause here – all of what we are describing today is only possible because of the work of Christ.

To want to apply God-pleasing motivations, we must first understand why we would want to please God in the first place.

It all starts with acknowledging why bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor slander, and malice exist in our hearts in the first place…

Because of the sinful nature of our hearts. and the evidence of a sinful heart is simply the overflow that comes from the mouth.

We also must come to see the nature of our Holy God, that in His perfect justice, our sin deserves a penalty of death. Our sin separates us from God

But in God’s love and mercy, He has chosen to extend grace and forgiveness, making a way that our hearts might be reconciled to Him that we might be in His presence.

As Jesus accepted the bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander and malice from His own people, He chose to take God’s wrath on our behalf, suffering the shame of the cross and taking our sin, He died the death that we deserve that we might share in His death and then also share in His burial and resurrection as well.

If you struggle with sinful reactions in your heart and have never chosen to follow Jesus Christ, will today be the day that you submit to His Lordship and believe in the Son of God. That is the step that everyone of us must do first.

If you have chosen to live with Jesus as your Lord, know that He will then give you the ability to do what we need to do to apply God-pleasing motivations…

It will begin as we choose

Being Kind to One Another

Eph 4:32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

It sounds so simple doesn’t it – But is this just about doing something good for someone, opening the door for your wife, buying the coffee for the person behind you at Dunkin

Being Kind is about a change of heart and thinking from your natural choices to God-pleasing choices.

It begins with how you see others…

Phil 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Kind people do not seek their own preferences. This does not mean they never get their own preferences, but it means we place our priorities and preferences in the right order.

When we choose humility over pride, we are able to see the value of others in a way that we might seek their benefit, in a way that we might look out for their interests

• Husbands, how can you live kindness out at the end of the day?

• When you arrive home from work, having worked hard all day and you are tired, you are ready to plop down and recover so that you can do it all again tomorrow…

• How can you be kind to your wife, to your family?

• How can you show that you value all that she has done while you were at work

• Choose your words that demonstrate the importance of your wife.

• Then choose an act of kindness that supports her interests before you choose to seek your own interest

• Your heart is tempted to let them feel your wrath for how they are hurting the team.

• Can you choose words of kindness that would help that person to become a part of the team? Can you give them the credit for the things that have done well.

• Can you affirm the things they do that help while with a heart of kindness,

• Can you share criticism with them in a way that seeks their growth.

And all of that can be even harder if in the past when you have attempted to show kindness, you have received harshness or evil in return…

Wouldn’t it just be better to protect myself?

One of the hardest parts of choosing kindness is the uncertainty that you feel about what will happen because you are choosing others over yourself…

• The answer in this motivation is that we must trust the Lord and not seek control or self-protection above all other things.

• but instead, we choose to release our cares into the Lord’s hands

Matt 6:34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Our second commitment to a God-pleasing motivation would be

Acting Tenderly

Eph 4:32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Acting tender-hearted is not just affection and care for another; it represents the entire heart of a person. We would often hear this in the writings of Paul as he spoke of others and why he would be sending them with his messages for the care and tenderness he described them. As he did this, it was for the purpose of uniting the church that they would openly welcome those who Paul was sending in his place.

Tender words are described in many places in the word…

Prov 15:4 – A soothing tongue is a tree of life, But perversion in it crushes the spirit.

Or in Paul’s direction to the church at Colossae…

Col 4:6 Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.

When we choose grace-filled speech, there are blessings that come, in opening up opportunities for how we might serve and care for one another as well as opening the door to the words of life.

A harsh tongue will rarely open an opportunity for gospel conversations.

This is what we need to have in our hearts to replace bitterness and malice…Put on love and compassion so that we might be lift others up instead of speaking in ways meant to crush and hold them down.

The final point to make is that we are called to in choose God-pleasing motivations by

Offering Forgiveness

Eph 4:32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

In counseling, one of the areas that I needed to relearn is the idea of biblical forgiveness. The world has many ideas about forgiveness that become barriers to the putting on and the renewing of our thinking

Some may try to teach you that some things just can’t be forgiven…or on the other end of the spectrum you just need to forgive and forget,

An even more common idea is that forgiveness is transactional and comes when the other person deserves to be forgiven and that you are ready to forgive.

The problem with the world’s ideas of forgiveness is that they all fail to look at God’s forgiveness for our example of how we are to forgive.

In the book Unpacking forgiveness, the author defines forgiveness this way… A commitment by the offended to pardon graciously the repentant from moral liability and to be reconciled to that person, although not all consequences are necessarily eliminated.

God’s example called for the repentance for sin. But in our hearts, we must resolve to trust that only God can test the heart…this is why Jesus teaches that if your brother repents and asks forgiveness, we are called to forgive….even without asking for proof of a repentant heart

God’s example of forgiveness is filled with grace…ours must be as well, including in our words

God’s example of forgiveness removes all moral liability – we too must choose to leave the judgment to God.

God’s forgiveness brings reconciliation – When we forgive, we should be ready to be restored in relationship, even if it must look different from the past…that comes where there may still be consequences. For example, a wife may forgive her husband for unfaithfulness, but it may not mean that the marriage is restored.

From these 2 short verses, we have found another truth regarding communication that unifies

When we find out words to be quick and reactive – they are generally laced with bitterness and anger bringing levels of clamor, slander and malice.

But when we choose God-pleasing motivations for our Communications with a purpose to unify, our proactive words, consciously chosen will bring life through kindness, tenderheartedness and the reconciliation of relationships through true forgiveness

I hope you will join me in praising the Lord that He makes change in our speech possible through His grace and forgiveness that we might be able to be more like Him.