5 questions to measure if our speech is pleasing to the Lord
I. What Is the Nature of My Words?
Ephesians 4:29a - Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good.
A. The nature of unwholesome words
Mark 7:17-23 - When he had left the crowd and entered the house, His disciples questioned Him about the parable. And He said to them, “Are you so lacking in understanding also? Do you not understand that whatever goes into the man from outside cannot defile him, because it does not go into his heart, but into his stomach, and is eliminated?” (Thus He declared all foods clean.) And He was saying, “That which proceeds out of the man, that is what defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man.”
B. The nature of good words
Proverbs 16:24 - Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
II. What Is the Purpose of My Words?
Ephesians 4:29b - “…for edification…”
A. Our words can tear down
2 Timothy 2:16-17a - But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness, and their talk will spread like gangrene.
B. Our words can build up
III. What Is the Context of My Words?
Ephesians 4:29c - “…according to the need of the moment…”
A. Needs that consider self
B. Needs that consider others
Colossians 4:6 - Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.
IV. What Is the Effect of My Words?
Ephesians 4:29d - “…so that it will give grace to those who hear.”
A. Passing judgment on others
Matthew 7:1-2 - Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.
B. Giving grace to others
V. What Is the Motivation of My Words?
Ephesians 4:30 - Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
A. Our words can grieve the Holy Spirit and break unity
Isaiah 63:7-10 - I shall make mention of the lovingkindnesses of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness toward the house of Israel, which He has granted them according to His compassion and according to the abundance of His lovingkindnesses. For He said, “Surely, they are My people, sons who will not deal falsely.” So He became their Savior. In all their affliction He was afflicted, and the angel of His presence saved them; in His love and in His mercy He redeemed them, and He lifted them and carried them all the days of old. But they rebelled and grieved His Holy Spirit; therefore He turned Himself to become their enemy, He fought against them.
B. Our words are meant to please the Lord and build unity
C. The gospel should inform our words
What is your favorite candle smell….you don’t have to say it but think about that smell and what a pleasing aroma it is to you…Now think of the worse smell you have ever smelled in your life and imagine someone made a candle out of it…what would the label say…rotten fish, spoiled eggs….
For me, a smell I cannot get out of my mind is from when I was a teenager…I was about 16 years old…scrawny and little….my aunt got into bike riding, and she invited me to ride bike with her…this was not just a jaunt around the block…she invited me to ride the MS 150 bike tour…this is where you raise money for multiple sclerosis…and you ask folks to pledge money per mile you ride…and you took two days, and rode 75 miles per day and if you completed the whole thing, the people you invited to support you donated to help support MS research and programs…
Well we started doing training rides up in Fargo ND, and we biked right alongside a slaughter house…so we would ride bike, you would be so tired, sucking air and all of a sudden dead flesh just fills your nostrils… this smell was different and I came to dread that smell on every ride we did…
I image some of you could rival that with a story of a prank gone wring where a fish was left in someone’s car or locker until the whole world knew there was a dead fish where it was not supposed to be…so think about a rancid smell that is so bad it contorts your face.
Image a candle burning in your house, your work place with the name slaughter house aroma….
How does that tie into communication…and communication that unites…well when we speak in a way that honors the Lord, it is a pleasing aroma to Him…and when we speak in a way that does not honor the Lord…it is like decaying flesh, rotting fish in the eyes, er nostrils of our Lord.
As we continue through our annual series Building on Our Heritage…we want to build in a way that our communication is pleasing to the Lord and a blessing to those around us.
So this series is a four week series that focuses on Communication that Unifies
If we are going to have communication that unites and communication that is a fragrant aroma to the Lord…that means we must… Attack the Problem, Not the Person
To review…The four rules of communication are
1. Be Honest
2. Keep Current
3. Attack the Problem and Not the Person
4. Act, Don’t React
Today we will focus on the 3rd principle of communication….this focuses on Eph 4:29-30, so if you will please turn in your bibles to the books of Ephesians that is on Page 152 in the bible under the chair in front of you.
READ Eph 4:29-30 (consider reading context)
With our time this morning lets look at…
5 questions to measure if our speech is pleasing to the Lord
One of the things I have learned over the years is that when you are seeking to serve others, seeking to counsel them to grow…to put off the old man, renew their mind and put on the new man, one of the most helpful tools you have is to ask good questions that helps people get to the heart and change at the heart level…
So too is it helpful to ask good questions of ourselves…humble people will ask questions of themselves, and seek to get to their motives and grow and change seeking to be a pleasing aroma to the Lord.
So our first question is…
I. What Is the Nature of My Words?
Ephesians 4:29a - Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good.
We see a contrast setup up…unwholesome and good…we will see this contrast in speech flow through these passages…first consider…
A. The nature of unwholesome words
The word used here for unwholesome in the Greek has a rather vivid meaning
Unwholesome doesn’t just mean “unhelpful” or “less-than-ideal”—it has connotations of spoiled fish, worm-infested olives, rancid fruit, rotten trees that bear nothing useful, etc.…
Think about eating something that is spoiled and how sick it could make you….or think about how in the OT the things that Israelites ate could make them ritually unclean…and not able to go to the temple and worship.
Jesus in the new covenant emphasized that the words and actions that come out of us are what spoil us or defile us….
Mark 7:17-23 - When he had left the crowd and entered the house, His disciples questioned Him about the parable. And He said to them, “Are you so lacking in understanding also? Do you not understand that whatever goes into the man from outside cannot defile him, because it does not go into his heart, but into his stomach, and is eliminated?” (Thus He declared all foods clean.) And He was saying, “That which proceeds out of the man, that is what defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man.”
We often are very careful what we eat…is there mold on that…has it turned, is it spicy…that will mess up my system if I eat that….we don’t always think about the words that come out of us…that is what we should be really concerned about.
One of the other pastors shared with me a quote or a prayer that is really short but meaningful…the prayer goes…“Lord, let my words be sweet today, for tomorrow I may have to eat them”
The mouth speaks from that which fills the heart…so what kind of words are we cooking up in our kitchen…in our heart…what if you went over to someone’s house and they served you 5 day old mackerel that has been rotting in the Indiana sun….that would be unwholesome
When I attack a person…maybe because they have wronged me or because something is not going my way and I am taking out my sinful anger on someone else…Maybe they made a mistake or forgot to do something, and I say,..you are not help to me at all…you are an idiot, how could you be so stupid…that is rancid, unwholesome speech…in my heart I have arrogantly put myself up here…and I am looking down on you emphasizing how you as a person are just in my way…
I am not actually addressing the problem…I am just going after you because I think that will make me feel better or help me get you out of the way so I can get what I want…
In essence we are serving up food to the Lord and to others when we speak…what kind of meal is it…is it unwholesome, rotten, or is it good…
Consider the….
B. The nature of good words
Good words are pleasant….consider…
Proverbs 16:24 - Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Have you ever gotten fresh honey? Oh it is so good…so rich, the quality is like super evident, and you just get a spoon and heap a bunch of honey into your tea, or onto peanut butter toast and it just makes everything better.
Natural honey I think also has anti-inflammatory properties, and antioxidant, and antibacterial, I think it makes you jump higher…
Honey is sweet and healing…are our words sweet and healing…
When is the last time you said something to someone that they really enjoyed…it was delicious to them…it lifted their spirits…it impacted their soul…
Maybe you reminded them about How God was working in their life…you reminded them of How much God loves them….you reminded them that they are a part of the body of Christ and you are really thankful for them…
what about when they sinned…when they were careless, or made a mistake…did your word’s pick them up…help them to focus on a solution…
Even when we have a problem…we can attack the problem and our words can still be sweet…our words can have a good purpose…
That leads us to the second question…
II. What Is the Purpose of My Words?
How many times have you heard someone say….I wanted to hurt them like they hurt me…I wanted them to feel what I felt…or I just had to get that off my chest so I could feel better…or I just tell the truth and people have to deal with it…
Have you ever asked yourself…why did I just say that….
The text says…the purpose of our words is…
Ephesians 4:29b - “…for edification…”
the word for “edification” in the Greek is what’s known as a “crasis,” …I think of it like two words crashing together….or the combination of two words (like butterfly, only this one makes sense…)
The word is οἰκοδομὴν, and it’s pieced together by the word οἶκος (meaning “house”) and δέμω (which is a verb, meaning “to build”)
Put it together, and you have the wonderful imagery of a house being built up with words
However, we can do the very opposite…
A. Our words can tear down
2 Timothy 2:16-17a - But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness, and their talk will spread like gangrene.
Gangrene destroys the body…When we talk about things that are unwholesome…maybe gossip, or grumbling, or being critical….it breaks things down and it does not just break down a little bit…it spreads…it impacts others…worldly chatter lacks of a focus on god…it promotes ungodliness…encourage others to also not focus on God…and that spreads…
Think about when you share information about someone else that is not your to share…world and empty chatter, just stirring things up, leaning into the drama…just talking about people without really thinking about what you are saying,….that takes on a life of its own and it spreads, divides friends, create more chaos…and it started with just empty chatter…not really begin purposeful in what you are saying…
However our words can have great purpose and can actually accomplish a lot…
B. Our words can build up
How many of you still remember something a teacher or a coach said to you in middle school or high school…or maybe a camp counselor that was really encouraging, or a youth pastor, or something your parents said that was really meaningful to you…those words had a huge impact in shaping your life…
The point is If you don’t know why you are saying something…you probably shouldn’t say something…if you begin to evaluate why you are saying things…you might find yourself saying less, but saying things with purpose and that process can be incredibly edifying to those around you…
One of the best ways I have found to build up others is to be aware of how hard they are working at something and acknowledge that they have put a lot of time and effort into something…that just encourages them to invest time and keep seeking to do a good job because others notice.
When you see someone humble themselves, maybe take ownership of something….be honest about their sin…you can really build then up and let them know how you think that honors the Lord as they displayed humility…that helps them want to be more humble in the future…
Words don’t exist in a vacuum…just like a sentence helps us understand the meaning of each word…so there are situations that help me consider what words will build up…
When you build, you have to think of clearing the site…you need to get a flat compacted foundation to start from ..you need to think about the areas around where you are building….if we want to build up others with our words, we need to think about what is going around this conversation…what is going on in their lives…
It is good to ask ourselves…
III. What Is the Context of My Words?
First think about the context of this passage….in verse 28 there is a focus on a thief who is to change and not steal, but work and do what is good…so he can share with those in need…here we see a commitment to doing good and consider the needs of others n the way we speak…
Ephesians 4:29c - “…according to the need of the moment…”
A. Needs that consider self
The negative aspect would be when you are just focused on your own perceived needs…sometimes I really struggle with this….I like to joke around…and there are times when I have to tell myself…do not make a joke…this is not the time…this will not be helpful right now….sometimes I want to make a joke because it will make me feel more comfortable, but it will really not help someone else.
Other times I see it in my own life when my kids make a mistake and I want to use this time to teach them what they should do so this will never happen…and the reality is that is not what they really need in that moment…it is what I think I need so I will not be inconvenienced again…
Do you have situations with your kids, or maybe with your friends, where one person is really distraught…maybe they got a bad grade, or they forgot something…and their sibling says…just don’t worry about it…or you shouldn’t have forgotten it…its not that big of a deal.
The challenge is those statements might be true…but they just don’t care what the other person is going through
Edifying communication thinks about the context of the situation and focuses on…
B. Needs that consider others
I have learned over the years that when someone asks you a questions…there is usually a back story…and if I just answer the questions without asking any questions, I rarely understand the need of the moment.
There is not a communication tip or trick that will help you if you simply do not want to be aware of someone else needs.
Let’s say a co-worker is really upset because something is going wrong at work…and they are speaking to you in a tone that you really don’t like…instead of calling them out right now, what if you said…this is a tough situation, how can I help you solve this…your not thinking about yourself, you are thinking about the issue and how you can help….later that co-worker might see that they treated you poorly and you were not easily offended but you were there to help them because you recognize the need of the moment.
When you get into an argument, with a spouse, a child, a coworker, a family member or a neighbor…one of the best things you can do is shift from focusing on yourself and consider what is going on in their life right now….where are they with the Lord….what are they wanting right now…are they close to the Lord, do they know the Lord…how can what I say right now…help them have a right view of the Lord in this situation….
Colossians says…
Colossians 4:6 - Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.
Grace is others focused…it is all about giving people more than they deserve…being generous….wanting good for others even if they have wronged you…
If someone slanders you, curses you out, or even talks about you behind your back and then unkindly to your face…what do they really need in that moment.
Do they need to know you are someone who should not be trifled with or…or do they need to understand there is a different way to live because of who Jesus is and what He did.
Salty communication is not mean…it is giving and caring and wants to respond to people in a way that addresses the real problem.
When someone is cruel to you…they very well may look at their life and they are very unhappy that things are not working out how they want them to…and their real problem is they may not be reconciled to God…and they are at odds with God…what they need is an introduction to the God who loves them, but the God who they have sinned against…
the next question to ask is…
IV. What Is the Effect of My Words?
We can’t control how other people perceive our words…but we need to consider what our desired results are…
Ephesians 4:29d - “…so that it will give grace to those who hear.”
This is the opposite of….
A. Passing judgment on others
This issue is not that we should not judge…the bible calls us to judge with righteous judgment…but what we are not suppose to do is judge people so that they get the idea that we are the standard of what is right and wrong…
Matthew 7:1-2 - Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.
Notice the way we judge we will be judged…and the reality is we don’t want our own stand of judgment to come back on us…we can’t even measure up to our own standard…we want to point others to the judgement of Christ…and His standard that we all fall short of…
The idea is when I communicate am I sending the message that you have wronged me…and I up up here…and you have offended me first and foremost…or do we say…I don’t think what you said pleased the Lord…
It is incredible gracious to kindly ask others to consider if they just sinned against God in what hey said…
Notice you are not making it about you but you are not ignoring the problem, you are helping them see the biggest problem…namely that they are not living to please God in the situation…
B. Giving grace to others
You see you are not giving people a piece of your mind...you are giving them a piece of Christ…or a picture of Christ…I want them to know what grace tastes like…I want them to have a small taste of what it is like to be with Christ in the way I talk to them.
Jesus was not afraid to say, repent for the Kingdom of God is at hand…but he wanted people to be forgiven of their sins and to turn to God…and he saw people in need and had compassion and grace for them.
He did not take offense when they called Him Satan, said he was a blasphemer…He went to the cross so that His enemies could be forgiven….our communication need to mirror that in seeking to give grace to others even our enemies so they can see their need for God’s grace above all else.
To give people grace…you will most likely have to be offended and not seek revenge or retribution because you have a higher calling…namely a conduit of God’s grace.
Lastly we need to consider…
V. What Is the Motivation of My Words?
In the previous passages there was a section in each part that is designed to motivate God’s people to follow this instruction and these examples of putting of, renewing our minds, and putting on…
We are to speak the truth…because we are members of one another…that is to motivate us…
We are to not let the sun go down on our anger…as to not give the devil an opportunity…that is to motivate us…
We are to work hard and not steal…so that we can share with those in need…that is to motivate us…
We have one more motivation here to attack the problem and not attack the person…and that is…
Ephesians 4:30 - Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Notice that my words to another person always have a vertical component that includes the Lord…you see…
A. Our words can grieve the Holy Spirit and break unity
I think it is so important to remember the holy spirit is a person…He can be grieved…and I think as we read Ephesians we see a key aspect of the ministry of the Holy Spirit and what grieves Him….When we trust in Christ, the Holy Spirit brings us together into the body of Christ and into a relationship with one another so we are members of one another…
- Ephesians 2:18 -18 for through Him we both have our access in one Spirit to the Father.
- Ephesians 2:22 -22 in whom you also are being built together into a dwelling of God in the Spirit.
- Ephesians 4:3–4 -3 being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling;
One commentator said…The Spirit, who is the divine agent of reconciliation and unity in the body (2:18, 22; 4:3–4), is especially grieved when unwholesome speech is uttered by members against one another[1]
Grieving the Holy Spirit is all about ignoring the great compassion of the Lord, His amazing loving kindness, the nature of God being our savior…when we speak to each other with unedifying and unwholesome words that divides it is like we are ignoring what brought us together…there is a sobering reminder from the old testament about how significant it is to grieve the holy spirit…
Isaiah 63:7-10 - I shall make mention of the lovingkindnesses of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness toward the house of Israel, which He has granted them according to His compassion and according to the abundance of His lovingkindnesses. For He said, “Surely, they are My people, sons who will not deal falsely.” So He became their Savior. In all their affliction He was afflicted, and the angel of His presence saved them; in His love and in His mercy He redeemed them, and He lifted them and carried them all the days of old. But they rebelled and grieved His Holy Spirit; therefore He turned Himself to become their enemy, He fought against them.
When we in our pride speak in a divisive way toward others…we divide the body and go against God himself…and God is opposed to the proud and gives grace to the humble…Prov 6:17 says the lord hates one who spreads strife among brothers…
And so….
B. Our words are meant to please the Lord and build unity
We have been sealed by the Holy Spirit for the day of redemption…and that day is to have such a powerful impact on Us that we don’t attack people…but we seek to actually address the problem in a way that gives people a taste of heaven….when we reconcile and solve problems…we are a foretaste of what the day of redemption is going to be like where there is no more sin, not more division between people…
So the church is to display that unity and point to a time when the Lord is going to return and gather His people to Himself and take His bride
C. The gospel should inform our words
The good news is that one day the Lord is going to return…and all those who have trusted in Christ will be saved…will be rescued…will be able to live with the Lord forever…that good news is to impact us so much….that we want to speak words to our brothers and sisters that show that the Gospel reconciles people to the Lord and reconciles people to each other…
As we do that we will be a fragrant aroma to the Lord…
[1] O’Brien, P. T. (1999). The letter to the Ephesians (p. 345). W.B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.
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