5 questions to measure if our speech is pleasing to the Lord
I. What Is the Nature of My Words?
Ephesians 4:29a - Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good.
A. The nature of unwholesome words
Mark 7:17-23 - When he had left the crowd and entered the house, His disciples questioned Him about the parable. And He said to them, “Are you so lacking in understanding also? Do you not understand that whatever goes into the man from outside cannot defile him, because it does not go into his heart, but into his stomach, and is eliminated?” (Thus He declared all foods clean.) And He was saying, “That which proceeds out of the man, that is what defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man.”
B. The nature of good words
Proverbs 16:24 - Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
II. What Is the Purpose of My Words?
Ephesians 4:29b - “…for edification…”
A. Our words can tear down
2 Timothy 2:16-17a - But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness, and their talk will spread like gangrene.
B. Our words can build up
III. What Is the Context of My Words?
Ephesians 4:29c - “…according to the need of the moment…”
A. Needs that consider self
B. Needs that consider others
Colossians 4:6 - Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.
IV. What Is the Effect of My Words?
Ephesians 4:29d - “…so that it will give grace to those who hear.”
A. Passing judgment on others
Matthew 7:1-2 - Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.
B. Giving grace to others
V. What Is the Motivation of My Words?
Ephesians 4:30 - Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
A. Our words can grieve the Holy Spirit and break unity
Isaiah 63:7-10 - I shall make mention of the lovingkindnesses of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness toward the house of Israel, which He has granted them according to His compassion and according to the abundance of His lovingkindnesses. For He said, “Surely, they are My people, sons who will not deal falsely.” So He became their Savior. In all their affliction He was afflicted, and the angel of His presence saved them; in His love and in His mercy He redeemed them, and He lifted them and carried them all the days of old. But they rebelled and grieved His Holy Spirit; therefore He turned Himself to become their enemy, He fought against them.
B. Our words are meant to please the Lord and build unity
C. The gospel should inform our words
After taking a quick pause in our Ephesians series, we’re jumping right back in as we continue through our annual series Building on Our Heritage
The last message in the series covered a vital portion of Ephesians: chapter 4, vv 22-24 (*briefly explain)
What follows from v 25 to the end of the chapter is the direct application of what was just talked about in 22-24 (*please turn to Eph ch 4… (1172))
The Holy Spirit, through Paul, provides several outworkings of what this put off / renew / put on process ought to look like in the church and on an individual level
Depending on how you look at it, five different illustrations are given—4/5 of them deal with one topic, in particular—almost as if to say: “you’re really going to need to focus on this area…”
And let me also say—it’s a topic that’s perpetually undermined in our world
Most often, this subject is dealt with in a dismissive or flippant manner in an attempt to discredit its great power
Movements like postmodernism, reader-response theory, subjectivism, and so many more ideologies try to discredit this matter—yet ironically, they utilize the very devices they seek to undermine…
Do you know what I’m referencing?
To get there, let’s talk about how awesome our God is…
*unlimited power
*what did He choose to create all things? WORDS…
*reveal Himself… WORDS (Scripture)
*confuse… (tower of babel)
*incarnate… the WORD (made flesh)
*salvation… the WORD / message of the gospel
*everlasting… “heaven & earth will pass away…”
We can hardly overstate the role of communication
I love the way Pastor Rob illustrates this in a counseling context…
He says “people rarely come into counseling because ‘sticks and stones have broken bones’—it’s typically words that have wounded deeply…”
Everything from the denigrating words of a bitter spouse to the warped internal dialogue of the depressed or anxious individual—words carry the power of creation and destruction
And as you may have guessed, four out of five of the examples given in vv 25-32 deal with some form of communication
Here at our church, we’ve commonly categorized these four examples as the Four Rules of Communication (*Be Honest (v 25) | Keep Current (vv 26-27) | Attack the Problem, Not the Person (vv 29-30) | Act; Don’t React (vv 31-32))
As such, we’re taking four weeks to discuss Communication that Unifies based on these four points of application that address the power of words
Nex week, Pastor Viars will be teaching on v 25 regarding the necessity of honesty, but today we’ll be taking a look at vv 29-30
This passage informs the third rule of our communication: Attack the Problem, Not the Person (*reason we’re a bit out-of-order)
Please follow along as I read…
Text
Ephesians 4:25-30 – 25 Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. 26 Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity. 28 He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need. 29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. 30 Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
From our passage, let’s look at 5 questions to measure if our speech is pleasing to the Lord
*explanation of questions (Nature | Purpose | Context | Effect | Motivation) + purpose (self-assessment) + sub-points (put off / put on)
The first question we must ask ourselves in our communication is…
I. What is the Nature of My Words?
This illustration begins by saying what must be put off, followed but what needs to replace our speech…
Eph 4:29a – Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good…
A simpler way of asking about the nature of my words is to ask: what am I saying…
Our words can either be good or unwholesome
While asking ourselves about the nature of our words, let’s take a brief look at
A. The nature of unwholesome words
The word used here for unwholesome in the Greek has a rather vivid meaning
Unwholesome doesn’t just mean “unhelpful” or “less-than-ideal”—it has connotations of spoiled fish, worm-infested olives, rancid fruit, rotten trees that bear nothing useful, etc…
When I was reading up on the word, it reminded me of a plaque that was hanging on the wall of my trumpet teacher’s house growing up—it was a brief prayer:
“Lord, let my words be sweet today, for tomorrow I may have to eat them”
But I want us to step into the imagery that our passage is painting here—when we communicate, we’re offering up something to be consumed
Certainly, it’s not through our mouths to our stomach like when we eat or drink, but it’s through our ears to our mind
Which is more important?
I’ll let Jesus answer that question…
Mark 7:17-23 – When he had left the crowd and entered the house, His disciples questioned Him about the parable. And He said to them, “Are you so lacking in understanding also? Do you not understand that whatever goes into the man from outside cannot defile him, because it does not go into his heart, but into his stomach, and is eliminated?” (Thus He declared all foods clean.) And He was saying, “That which proceeds out of the man, that is what defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man.”
So from our heart, we whip up a meal to be consumed by others
What is the nature of the ingredients you’re working with?
When we speak unwholesome words, it’s like offering up spoiled fish, worm-infested olives, and rancid fruit
Imagine going to someone’s house and that’s what they lay in front of you…
So it is when our words are unwholesome!
When we gossip, when we put down, when we engage in course joking, when we “vent” our anger…
“here, try my 4-day-old sardine—it’s been sitting outside in this hot Indiana weather…”
Instead, what do we need to put on?
Let’s look at…
B. The nature of good words
And as we do so, I want to make sure we don’t miss two other important words in our opening argument
God’s Word says, “Let no unwholesome word proceed…” (*repeat)
Why are those important?
They presume agency… It’s expected that we stop all words that are unwholesome and start speaking words that are good
This does at least two things:
(1) we no longer have a viable excuse for rotten talk… (*explain – “I didn’t mean it…” “I’m sorry my words offended you…” “you made me…”)
According to Jesus in Mark 7 and Paul in Eph 4, that rottenness came from one place, and one place only… your heart…
(2) God has given us the capacity (through His Spirit) to engage in this fight and actually change!
It just takes humility to actually assess your own heart and submit to the renewal process
And then, begin speaking words that are good
Contrast the nature of good words vs rotten words…
Prov 16:24 – Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Which would you rather have on your plate at dinner?
And what are you serving others? Your spouse? Your friends? Your coworkers?
Make sure the nature of your words is good and not rotten, and then assess…
II. What is the Purpose of My Words?
“I wanted her to feel the same way she made me feel…”
“Well, he wasn’t listening when I was talking at a normal volume…”
“I just had to get that off my chest…”
These are all excuses I’ve heard and given over the course of my life…
What do you ask a child when you catch them saying something concerning?
Apart from the risky question: “where did you learn that…” (*A Christmas Story)
Typically, we want to know “why did you say that??”
This speaks to a fundamental understanding of words—like tools in the hands of a carpenter, we deploy different words for different purposes
We intrinsically understand that what a person says is tied to some specific intent or purpose
Yet it’s the LORD who gave us the tools of words to use—what purpose does He give us for using them?
Eph 4:29b – …for edification…
The simple question here is: why am I saying it…
Again, the word for “edification” in the Greek gives us a great deal of application
It forms what’s known as a “crasis,” or the combination of two words (like butterfly, only this one makes sense…)
The word is οἰκοδομὴν, and it’s pieced together by the word οἶκος (meaning “house”) and δέμω (which is a verb, meaning “to build”)
Put it together, and you have the wonderful imagery of a house being built up with words
But what can our words do if they are not edifying?
A. Our words can tear down
Obviously, this is what needs to be put off – words that tear down
We hear about this in 2 Tim as well…
2 Timothy 2:16-17a – But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness, and their talk will spread like gangrene.
Here we see unwholesome words and their intent—spreading like flesh-rotting gangrene in a body
It’s a simple yet convicting question: “are my words tearing down?”
We need to actually visualize ourselves ripping bricks out of their place when we use words that tear down
The frustrated parent talking down to the child: rip, rip, rip…
The friend who’s finally had enough: rip, rip, rip…
It’s not enough to simply stop using our words to tear down
God actually wants us to use this gift He’s given us for it’s intended purpose…
B. Our words can build up
Now picture the opposite
The frustrated parent, using a hard situation to share the gospel with his or her child: strengthen, strengthen, strengthen…
The friend choosing to lovingly confront another: strengthen, strengthen, strengthen…
Imagine how different our conversations would be if every thought was vetted through that lens before we spoke: “will this build up?”
So we must ensure the NATURE of our words are actively good; we must assess the PURPOSE of our words to be building up…
We then need to ask…
III. What is the Context of My Words?
The passage continues by specifying that these good and edifying words must be delivered…
Eph 4:29c – …according to the need of the moment…
The simple question here is: when and how am I saying it…
We know this to be true intuitively as well
I’ll prove it with a quick game of “good idea” or “bad idea”…
Saying “I love you” to your spouse after they do something encouraging—good idea or bad idea?
Saying “I love you” to your spouse right when she finds out you forgot to pick up the kids from school… 2 hours ago…
Texting your friend all your grievances against them at 10pm on a Friday and then putting your phone on airplane mode…
Telling your daughter: (*sarcastically) “well THAT was a good idea…”
Telling your daughter: “well, that was a GOOD idea!”
Context makes a huge difference in our speech
And where things go wrong is when the context of our words focus on…
A. Needs that consider self
Typically, communication goes sideways when our focus is on ourselves rather than the needs of the other
That will cause my speech to be rotten
That will lead to words that tear down rather than build up
You can even say the technically “correct” thing in the wrong context, and it’s entirely wrong—you already know it from our short exercise
The simple solution is to vet our timing and tone through the…
B. Needs that consider others
Asking the question “what’s best for them” can make all the difference in a conversation…
We see Jesus interacting with people in this way all the time—even with his interaction the rich young ruler, Mark lets us in on what Jesus was thinking right before he responds to this proud idolater
In v 21 of ch 10, it says… “looking at him, Jesus felt a love from him and said to him…”
Who was Jesus considering here?
Even though He had a hard truth to deliver (that was inevitably rejected), the context of the delivery was one of perfect love
And revisiting our previous culinary illustration, God’s Word says it this way in Colossians…
Colossians 4:6 – Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.
The right context of a good and edifying word is like a perfectly salted porterhouse-cut, medium rare steak: perfection…
But there’s even more to consider as we close out our first verse—we must then ask…
IV. What is the Effect of My Words?
This one’s a bit tricky…
We can’t control how our words are received, but we can assess our own heart’s intent
(*if time: Hannah and Eli (1 Sam 1))
And what we should be shooting for are good words that build up and consider others…
Eph 4:29d – …so that it will give grace to those who hear.
The simple question here is: how are my words (intended to be) received… (*explain?)
We see here that the intended effect is that grace may result in their lives
So, what is the opposite of grace?
If grace is undeserved favor, the opposite would likely be misguided judgment or vengeance
Words that are ill-intended—that have the wrong desired effect—seek to…
A. Passing judgment on others
Jesus warns against this in Matt 7:1-2, in a way that always seems to cut me down to size:
Matthew 7:1-2 – “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.
Do you want people to be gracious to you? Well, are you that way to others?
What is your intended effect in your speech?
I could go on and on about this single point, because there’s so much to talk about!!
We could get into how Jesus processed and responded to ill-intended words (i.e., they never had their willfully nefarious effect on Him)
We could talk about the specifics on what it looks like to stop passing judgment on others, or seeking vengeance
We could talk endlessly about…
B. Giving grace to others
…and what that looks like on a practical level
But let’s leave this point on this note: if the gospel is God’s divine grace applied to me—what does it say about me if my words towards others are continually graceless?
But I want to ensure I leave some time for our final point…
V. What is the Motivation of My Words?
By now, you (like myself) may be a bit discouraged…
I have to consider the NATURE of my words, the PURPOSE of my words, the CONTEXT of my words, the EFFECT of my words, and now the MOTIVATION of my words??
What hope is there with all of this to think about??
Well, first, I hope you have a more vivid picture of what was said in the intro: words are a REALLY big deal…
But second, don’t miss the overarching context of the passage
Remember: this is an illustration of vv 22-24, so it’s not just stuff we shouldn’t do (22) and stuff we need to do (24)
V 23 is also in there—we are being renewed in the spirit of our minds
In other words, God’s spirit is actively at work in our lives, doing all the hard work that’s impossible for us to accomplish
How do I change the NATURE of my words? Through the conviction and work of the Spirit
How do I assess the PURPOSE of my words? Through the conviction and work of the Spirit…
All of it is hard work, but God is working in us to make it all happen
As if to remind us of this, our passage closes with this warning:
Eph 4:30 – Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
The simple question here is: are my words driven by a desire to please the flesh or the Spirit?
And this verse interjects some of the heaviest matter possible into the subject
We see that…
A. Our words can grieve the Holy Spirit and break unity
Up to this point in the Book of Ephesians, God’s Spirit has been spoken of as the pledge of our inheritance and the agent that serves to bind us in unity
Here, it gets super personal…
Whatever we do, whatever we think, and whatever we say: all of it (for the Christian) is done with the Holy Spirit, because the Holy Spirit has taken up His residence in us
So if our actions, thoughts, and words are pleasing to Him, then God is pleased
But it’s mind-boggling to think that our errant words can lead an eternal God to feel grief! WHAT?!
What happens when we grieve the Holy Spirit?
One of the things I failed to mention earlier about the 5 illustrations is that it is rich with OT allusions
Paul is either directly or indirectly referencing passages from the Hebrew text, conjuring up sections that would have been familiar to the original hearers
It’s entirely possible that Paul was intending for his hearers to think of Isaiah 63 when this portion was read to the church in Ephesus…
Is 63:7-10 – I shall make mention of the lovingkindnesses of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness toward the house of Israel, which He has granted them according to His compassion and according to the abundance of His lovingkindnesses. For He said, “Surely, they are My people, sons who will not deal falsely.” So He became their Savior. In all their affliction He was afflicted, and the angel of His presence saved them; in His love and in His mercy He redeemed them, and He lifted them and carried them all the days of old. But they rebelled and grieved His Holy Spirit; therefore He turned Himself to become their enemy, He fought against them.
These are quite sobering words…
When we grieve the Holy Spirit, we know from history how that turns out
Now, we recognize that this “fighting against us” looks different in the new covenant under the blood of Jesus
Wrath that was due US for OUR disobedience has been poured out on Jesus, for all those who place their trust in His sacrifice on the cross
But that doesn’t mean that He can no longer be grieved, and that His grief causes Him to turn against us—it just means He won’t leave us: that’s why it concludes with the encouragement that we were “sealed” by Him for the day of redemption
This “fighting against us” takes the form of discipline in the life of a Christian
Keeping it in the context of communication, very often the Lord will allow the natural consequences of our words to come to fruition in our lives
Hurtful words sever relationships
Course talk leads to significant consequences
Lying lips spin far too many webs and find themselves caught up in a terrible mess
But it’s all for the purpose stated earlier in the chapter: to make us more like Jesus as we put off the old self and put on the new one, created in His likeness
So instead of using words that attempt to gratify the flesh, grieve the Spirit, and break our spiritual unity…
B. Our words are meant to please the Lord and build unity
For the final time, let’s revisit our food illustration—you can tell it’s (getting close to) lunchtime…
Imagine a dinner that your small group puts together
Each person is asked to bring a dish of their own choice to contribute to the dinner
What each person brings; does that have a bearing on how that night will go?
What if everyone brought basically inedible food: spoiled lettuce, moldy rolls, expired chicken, and ice cream that had been left out a couple of days?
What does that say about how they think of others?
Will that foster or kill community?
But what happens when everyone brings a knock-out dish?
“you gotta come try this!”
“this is amazing—can I get the recipe?”
And so forth!
When we speak in such a way that pleases the Lord (rather than grieving Him), unity within the body of Christ is a natural result
Lastly…
C. The gospel should inform our words
The passage ends by talking about the day of redemption
What day is that?
It’s when the Christian finally gets to be with Jesus—apart from sin, suffering, death, disunity, and all things bad
But why would he bring this up?
It’s a point that was made just a few minutes ago: how we speak shows what we think about the gospel
If we’re men and women captivated by God’s great love for us; shocked that He’d redeem ill-deserving sinners such as ourselves, then that changes everything about how we communicate
THIS is the motivation for change: we love, because God first loved us
Conclusion
So let’s take a minute and review what our passage has taught about how to appropriately use the words that the Lord has gifted us…
*Nature - what am I saying… (rotten vs good)
*Purpose - why am I saying it… (tear down vs build up)
*Context - when and how am I saying it… (selfishly vs selflessly)
*Effect - how are my words (intended to be) received… (judgment vs grace)
*Motivation - are my words driven by a desire to please the flesh or the Spirit? (grieving God or pleasing God)
We need to be asking these questions of ourselves, growing in our love and likeness to Christ as He builds our unity among one another
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