3 truths to live out in the home which help provide a godly environment for child-rearing
I. Fathers Bear the Weight in Training Children
A. This section is addressed first to dads
B. A wife and mother play an important part in the process of parenting
C. We should be sensitive to single moms and dads who do this on their own
1. Praying for them and their children
2. Mentoring the children (individual men / women connected to each child)
3. Encouraging them and their children on a regular basis
II. Parental Authority Should Not Be Used in Such a Way to Provoke Children
A. This Command does not mean a parent is to never oppose, deny, cross, or upset the child
1 Kings 1:5 - Now Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, “I will be king.” So he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen with fifty men to run before him.
1 Kings 1:6 - His father had never crossed him at any time by asking, "Why have you done so?"
1 Samuel 3:12-13 - “In that day I will carry out against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. “For I have told him that I am about to judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knew, because his sons brought a curse on themselves and he did not rebuke them.
B. This command does imply a child is not to be brought up to an angry, impulsive lifestyle
Proverbs 25:28 - Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit.
C. There are examples of how a child’s sinful anger might be expressed
1. Anger can take the form of open rebellion against any authority
2. Anger can take the form of stubbornness, passive resentment, apathy, indifference, half-hearted performance and/or silence
Ephesians 4:31-32 - Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
III. Common Biblical Principles Help Parental Authority Avoid Provoking Children to Anger
A. Make sure there is no tension between the parents (solve problems biblically)
B. Control your anger and avoid abusive words, tones, and abusive correction
“To provoke…to anger suggests a repeated, ongoing pattern of treatment that gradually builds up a deep-seated anger and resentment that boils over in outward hostility.” (John MacArthur, Ephesians, 317)
C. Build involvement with and give attention to the child (develop godly relationships)
D. Edify (build up) the child (avoid being overly critical)
E. Be a good listener (don’t answer a matter before you hear it) and communicator
F. Understand that not every thought or action is sin, or a major issue in life
G. Help the child understand the difference between the scripture and house rules
H. Avoid having too many rules and always changing the rules
I. Grow in consistent application of expectations and training
J. Confess parental sin regularly
Proverbs 28:13 - He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.
“My family’s all grown and the kids are all gone. But if I had to do it all over again, this is what I would do. I would love my wife more in front of my children. I would laugh with my children more – at our mistakes and our joys. I would listen more, even to the littlest child. I would be more honest about my own weaknesses, never pretending perfection. I would pray differently for my family; instead of focusing on them, I’d focus on me. I would do more things together with my children. I would encourage them more and bestow more praise. I would pay more attention to little things, like deeds and words of thoughtfulness. And then, finally, if I had to do it all over again, I would share God more intimately with my family; every ordinary thing that happened in every ordinary day I would use to direct them to God.” (MacArthur, John)
Good morning. I’m thankful for the opportunity to study God’s Word with you this morning.
It’s been a while since I’ve had the privilege to teach in this service… so I’ll break the ice by giving you a glimpse into my childhood… I grew up in Texas…
I’m the oldest of four kids… and my brother Matt is just 19 months younger than me.
It was five years before our next sibling came along… so for a while it was just Matt and me.
Now, I would love to tell you that during those early years I was a good brother to Matt… I’d love to tell you that, but we’re not supposed to tell the truth in the Lord’s house.
I was actually a pretty rotten brother to Matt… My parents tell me that as little kid, I had some real attitude.
I liked having my way… I liked having my way a lot… and when Matt didn’t give me my way… well… because I was the older brother and the bigger brother… I MADE him give me my way.
And this went on throughout the preschool years.
And I thought this was a fine arrangement… Matt had a different opinion…
And my parents tried to tell me… “If you keep provoking your brother… one day you’re going to regret it.”
Well, that day came when I was five-years-old.
It was a beautiful summer morning… the sun was out… the birds were singing… and as usual, I was bossing around my brother…
All morning long, I was picking and picking and picking at him…
Back then, we used to take baths together…
We don’t do that anymore, praise the Lord.
And apparently, I kept bossing him around in the bath…
And after years and years of being repeatedly, incessantly provoked… Matt finally reached his limit.
When we went back to our bedroom and started getting dressed… I turned away from him… That was a mistake… because Matt saw his moment.
Even though I was bigger and stronger than Matt… there was nothing I could do about this…
He came up right behind me… bent down… and bit me on what my grandmother called my “bohonkus.”
And I gotta tell you… that hurt.
That morning, I learned two important lessons…
First, I learned not to turn my back on my brother…
And second, I learned that when you provoke someone to anger… it’ll BITE you in the end.
Now, that’s a funny little story about two little boys who didn’t know how to resolve their differences.
Thankfully, I don’t pick on Matt anymore… He’s 6’4” and that wouldn’t go very well for me… and by the grace of God, we’ve learned how to communicate about problems and we’ve got a great relationship.
But provoking someone to anger doesn’t always look like preschoolers picking on each other… It can take a variety of different forms… both active and passive…
And if provocation happens consistently…you can imagine how that might impact the hearts of those being provoked… stirring up anger and seeding bitterness…
But thankfully… God’s Word provides both warning and instruction to help families… And the Lord Jesus Christ stands ready to empower the efforts of those who want to get to a better place…
with all of that in mind, please open your Bible to Ephesians chapter 6…page ____ of the Bible under the chair in front of you…
our church’s theme this year is Building on Our Heritage…and we’ve been having a great time celebrating our 60th anniversary and learning as many lessons as we possibly can…
part of our celebration has included a verse-by-verse study of the Book of Ephesians…and we’ve been doing that for the majority of the year…
For the last several weeks, we’ve been studying the end of chapter 5 and the beginning of chapter 6 which is all about the Christian family…we titled this section
“Strengthening Unity in our Relationships”…
this morning brings us to chapter 6 verse 4, where fathers receive the command Do Not Provoke to Anger.
Let’s read Ephesians, chapter 6, beginning in verse 1.
Ephesians 6:1-4 - Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
With the remainder of our time, let’s think about… Three truths to live out in the home which help provide a godly environment for child-rearing.
Here’s the first truth…
I. Fathers Bear the Weight in Training Children
there’s no doubt that…
A. This section is addressed first to dads
Fathers are addressed specifically because they represent the head of the family…
We can tie that back to what we studied in chapter 5…
They’re are given a leadership role within the home… and entrusted with authority that extends to the task of parenting…
Of course, this authority is not merely a license to command compliance to his will…
In his book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Paul Tripp says to Fathers…
“The purpose for your authority in the lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of God.” (Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, 13)
In marriage, a husband is called to emulate Christ in the way he exercises his God-given authority… He is supposed to use it to love, serve, and lead his wife…
The same should be true of the way a father parents his children.
As fathers, we bear the weight of training our children… but we must do so in a way that reflects the attributes of our HEAVENLY Father…
In other words, our kids ought to have a better understanding of what our God is like by the way we love and lead them.
The goal of parenting in that way is to cultivate a desire in our children to live joyfully under the authority of their Heavenly Father.
Of course, we should also remember that…
B. A wife and mother play an important part in the process of parenting.
God has entrusted husbands and fathers with some significant responsibilities in leading his family…
And wise is the man who seeks the help of his spouse to carry them out…
That’s how God intends families to function…
The Book of Proverbs makes clear that God values the contributions of both fathers and mothers in parenting…
Proverbs 1:8 Hear, my son, your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching.
Proverbs 6:20 My son, observe the commandment of your father and do not forsake the teaching of your mother.
and I would encourage us to think about this positively… God designed the family to ideally have a father and a mother…
now before I develop that further, let me just pause and say that we have many wonderful single parents in our church…
and I also realize that some hearing this message had a father who far from ideal…and our hearts go out to you…
but praise God that this passage is addressed to fathers, and that part of His creative design was this wonderful position and provision in our lives…
- and again, I realize that many did not have that gift, but for those who did…Ephesians 6:4 should remind us of the beauty of God’s creative design…
- now, on the other hand,
C. We should be sensitive to single moms and dads who do this on their own
God designed the family includes a father and a mother…but in this fallen world, things don’t always work that way.
Sometimes due to the loss of a loved one, or sometimes because of brokenness in the family, whether that may be divorce or just that one of either the father or mother is not choosing to fulfill their role.
It is particularly hard for one parent to do the work of two people… As a church, we need to be sensitive to the unique challenges faced by single parents… and we need to stand ready to support them…
and if you’re in that situation this morning, let me just say that your church family loves you, and some of the ways that we hope to serve you is by…
1. Praying for them and their children
perhaps one of the take-aways from this message is to get to know a single mom or dad and asking about specific prayer requests…
2. Mentoring the children (individual men / women connected to each child)
for example, what about when you’re taking your kids fishing, or bowling, or out for ice cream…asking another family or two to come along?...
one of the ways Faith did this historically was Pastor Goode’s insistence that husband and wife served together in the nursery…which is very novel when you think about it…
but his reasoning was showing children from a very early age the joy of husbands and wives serving together when that was possible…
3. Encouraging them and their children on a regular basis
what about learning their birthdays and sending a card, or finding out about upcoming quizzes or tests and encouraging them when they do well…
you might also consider attending one of their sporting events or band concerts?
There are all kinds of ways we can take action… and I would encourage all of us think creatively about the ways we might show love to single parents and their kids.
With that said, let’s go back to our verse…
We’ve discussed the critical role fathers play in the parenting process…
now, what about the phrase “Do not provoke your children to anger”?
II. This command does not mean a parent should never oppose, deny, cross, or upset the child.
sometimes it helps to define a concept by talking about what it can’t mean…
you know, a sharp child could really get some mileage out of this verse, couldn’t they?...
a mom says to the daughter – please go clean up your room…to which the daughter says…wait a minute, you’re provoking me to anger…room cleanliness is one of my triggers…
or a dad says to a son – how do you explain these 4 F’s on your report card…dad, you’re upsetting me…the Bible says you shouldn’t…
that can’t be it…
In the Book of 1 Kings… we read about an episode that took place at the end of King David’s life…
He was constantly cold… and it would appear that he’s confined to a bed…
1 Kings 1:5 – Now Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, “I will be king.” So he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen with fifty men to run before him.
that’s the way elections were done back in Bible times…
So if see a guy running down State Road 26 in a chariot with 50 goofs running alongside…that means he wants to be mayor…
well, why in the world would a son of David ever act like that?...next verse…
1 Kings 1:6 - His father had never crossed him at any time by asking, "Why have you done so?" . . .
father, let me ask you this – do you ever ask your children why they did what they did?...
That’s such an important question to ask…
like when I used to use his tools without asking and they leave them in the yard to rust…he generally did a bit more than just ask me about it…and that doesn’t mean he was provoking me to anger…no, he was teaching me the value of a dollar and how to take care of one’s tools…
another sad example is Eli – this is the story where young Samuel was ministering in the temple for a man named Eli…and it was nighttime and Samuel kept hearing someone call his name…
so he assumed it was Eli and he kept going and waking Eli up…”Here I am – you called me”…
Finally Eli realized what was going on and told Samuel to go back to bed and if his name was called again, to say…”Speak, for your servant is listening…”
and then God gave Samuel a prophecy about Eli…
1 Samuel 3:12–13 - “In that day I will carry out against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. “For I have told him that I am about to judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knew, because his sons brought a curse on themselves and he did not rebuke them.
well, what do you think would have happened if he had rebuked them?...
They probably would have gotten angry…would that have meant that Eli had provoked them?...not in a sinful way…
his failure to rebuke them is called out in that text…
so here’s the overall point -- This command does not mean that a parent should never oppose, deny, cross, or upset the child.
so then, what ARE we talking about?...
A. This command does imply a child is not to be brought up to an angry, impulsive lifestyle.
that’s the principle – don’t do anything, or allow anything, that contributes to a person growing up with an angry lifestyle…
why is that such an important issue?...
Proverbs 25:28 Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit.
what’s a city like that has no walls (in that culture)…no protection, no means of control, open for all sorts of other problems to occur…that’s what a man who has no control over his spirit is like…
Parents ought to be like those storm-tracking weather radars… You know what I’m talking about… Just constantly searching for a storm in the hearts of their children… “Oh, there was some lightning there?”… “Was that an outburst of anger from my child?”... “Is that a sign of bitterness?
We have to help our children evaluate what’s going on in their own hearts… When we do that, we encourage the development self-control…
Fathers – this is not a one-time thing – it ought to be an ongoing pattern that seeks to lead our children to a better response
And to address the issue well, we need to have our eyes open to see the actions of our children. Eli had to have been looking the other way for him to miss the wicked actions of his sons and have to be told about it by his neighbors
I am thankful for my neighbors, church family, teachers, etc. in my life that will help me to be able to see things I may not see…and I need to respond to that well…but I should also be directly involved with my children so that I might see the behaviors myself…
And what does this look like…
B. There are examples of how a child’s sinful anger might be expressed
1. Anger can take the form of open rebellion against any authority.
this is why children have to learn to obey and honor their parents…because otherwise their angry rebellion is going to grow…
wise is the parent who gets started on this one early…
fathers – this would probably be a good place to ask – are you trying to help your child avoid this kind of explosive anger?...
and when a child is asked to do something and does it quickly and obediently, what a great opportunity to commend that child for what they did…
for the rest of us – we might want to ask – did you have a dad who would not allow you to be openly rebellious?...
if so, this might be a good day to call him on the phone if he’s still alive and thank him…
but there’s more than that…
2. Anger can take the form of stubbornness, passive resentment, apathy, indifference, half-hearted performance and/or silence.
so a child was asked to the out the trash…
and he doesn’t obey the first time, and he doesn’t obey the second time, and doesn’t obey the third time…and then about the fourth time he gets up, slumps over the kitchen cabinet, slams his fist on the countertop, pulls the trash out of the container and dumps ¼ of it on the floor, slams the cabinet door, muttering all the way to the trash can in the garage…
did he obey?...
and what kind of student is that going to be in school?
and what kind of employee is that going to be at work?...
this is why Paul a few chapters before…
Ephesians 4:31–32 - Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
don’t provoke your child to wrath in the sense of doing anything that would cause or allow him to develop a wrathful lifestyle…
now, a good question to ask somewhere along the line is – where’s Jesus in all of this?...
parenting isn’t simply a matter of – don’t be angry…but instead, what does our temptation and propensity to become sinfully angry say about the nature of our hearts…and about how Jesus Christ died, was buried, and raised again so that we could establish a personal relationship with God through trusting Christ as Savior and Lord…and then be in a position to rely on Him to help us change…
III. Common Biblical Principles Help Parental Authority Avoid Provoking Children to Anger
A. Make sure there is no tension between the parents (solve problems biblically).
everything that was taught back in Ephesians 4 can help children avoid sinful anger…when they see and dad solving problems biblically…
B. Control your anger and avoid abusive words, tones, and abusive correction.
angry homes are often the breeding grounds for angry children
why do little leopards have spots?....because big leopards have spots…
some children report – it just seems like mom is mad all the time…or dad is mad all the time…
“To provoke…to anger suggests a repeated, ongoing pattern of treatment that gradually builds up a deep-seated anger and resentment that boils over in outward hostility.” (John MacArthur, Ephesians, 317)
C. Build involvement with and give attention to the child (develop godly relationships).
years ago Pastor Goode developed a series of statements that were a quick summary of our approach to parenting
the first statement was – play a lot…
which I always thought was interesting because Pastor Goode was a fairly formal guy…but he wanted to emphasize the crucial role of involvement and relationship…
D. Edify (build up) the child (avoid being overly critical).
his next statement was – praise a lot…
you know, when you get my age, you look backward quite a bit…
if you’ve been around here a while, you probably heard me say that I don’t understand people who say – I don’t have any regrets…I always want to respond, would you like some of mine?
and if I had it to do over again – I would have spent far more time on the former and not nearly so much on the latter…
E. Be a good listener (don’t answer a matter before you hear it) and communicator.
Proverbs 28:13 - He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper,
But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.
We practice this with adults (hopefully_...do we practice it with our children?...
F. Understand that not every thought or action is sin, or a major issue in life.
historically we’ve tried to distinguish between “flame issues” and “swing issues”….comparing how we might respond to a child playing with fire, as opposed to another swinging too high on a swing set…
our most significant response should be reserved for the flame/fire
G. Help the child understand the difference between the scripture and house rules.
there’s nothing wrong with parents having certain “rules of the house”…
this is what time we go to bed…get up…how many times a week we go to church…this is the standard of modesty we keep when we dress…
nothing wrong with any of that for our children during the time they are in our house…as long as we don’t act as if those rules of the house are equivalent with Scripture…
the regular explanation should be something like—these are the rules of the house and they are not equal to the Word of God and they only have to be followed as long as you are living here…this is the Word of God that must be followed by Christians regardless of where we live the rest of our days
but we’re not going to violate the twofold prohibition regarding the Word of God at the end of the book of Revelation…2 things you must bever do to the Bible…
H. Avoid having too many rules and always changing the rules
when we started our Christian school, our first administrator and wife were Bob and Joan Leffew…
they were a delightful couple – Pastor Leffew has gone to heaven now…
if they were here, I think they would say that the previous ministries they had been involved in were fairly legalistic…sanctification by rule keeping/handbooks…
when they came here – we made a decision – let’s have as few rules as possible…that was the first half…but the second was…
I. Grow in consistent application of expectations and training
and let’s be sure to consistently enforce the ones we have…
that approach has served us very well
J. Confess parental sin regularly
this verse applies in many areas of life…but it certainly includes parenting…
Proverbs 28:13 - He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.
John MacArthur quoted a father in his commentary who speaks for probably many fathers…My family’s all grown and the kids are all gone. But if I had to do it all over again, this is what I would do. I would love my wife more in front of my children. I would laugh with my children more—at our mistakes and our joys. I would listen more, even to the littlest child. I would be more honest about my own weaknesses, never pretending perfection. I would pray differently for my family; instead of focusing on them, I’d focus on me. I would do more things together with my children. I would encourage them more and bestow more praise. I would pay more attention to little things, like deeds and words of thoughtfulness. And then, finally, if I had to do it all over again, I would share God more intimately with my family; every ordinary thing that happened in every ordinary day I would use to direct them to God.
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