Do Not Provoke to Anger

- if we were going to make a list of our favorite characters in the Bible, it probably wouldn’t be long before we would be talking about King David…would you agree with that statement?...

- when you stop and think about, there are so many reasons why that’s true…

1. The story of David and Goliath…

- some of us have been hearing about that since we were little tikes in Sunday school…or in your family devotions at home…but it never grows old…

- his immediate willingness to fight the giant when no one else would

- his ability to stand up to the ridicule of his older brother and the condescending words of King Saul…

- the way he framed the discussion to be centered on the glory of God being at stake…and how he knew the Lord would give him victory…

- do you remember what he said to Saul?... 1 Samuel 17:34–36 - But David said to Saul, “Your servant was tending his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and took a lamb from the flock, I went out after him and attacked him, and rescued it from his mouth; and when he rose up against me, I seized him by his beard and struck him and killed him. “Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; and this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, since he has taunted the armies of the living God.”

- by the way, many Bible teachers believe that David was between 13-15 years old when this occurred…

- so of course Goliath “cursed David by his gods” Scripture tells us…

- can you imagine how intimidating that must have been?...but what happened?... 1 Samuel 17:45–47 - Then David said to the Philistine, “You come to me with a sword, a spear, and a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have taunted. This day the Lord will deliver you up into my hands, and I will strike you down and remove your head from you. And I will give the dead bodies of the army of the Philistines this day to the birds of the sky and the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that the Lord does not deliver by sword or by spear; for the battle is the Lord’s and He will give you into our hands.”

- and how did the story end?...1 Samuel 17:48–50 - Then it happened when the Philistine rose and came and drew near to meet David, that David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet the Philistine. And David put his hand into his bag and took from it a stone and slung it, and struck the Philistine on his forehead. And the stone sank into his forehead, so that he fell on his face to the ground. Thus David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone, and he struck the Philistine and killed him; but there was no sword in David’s hand.

- you know, if that’s all David accomplished in his entire life…he’d still be one of our favorite Bible characters…

- but there’s so much more…

2. The way, even after he had been anointed to be the next king after Saul, he refused to take matters into his own hands even though Saul tried to kill him several times and the Lord gave opportunities where he could have easily killed Saul…

- he showed incredible patience and integrity…

3. his tremendous military victories…

4. and without a doubt, the way the Lord used him to pen so many of the Psalms that have been a comfort and help to God’s people for 3000 years…

- who here couldn’t finish the statement…the Lord is my…shepherd, I shall not want…

- God used David to write words like that…

5. No wonder the NT would refer to him as “a man after God’s own heart…”

- can you imagine a higher accolade than that?...

- there’s all kinds of reasons why David is one of our favorites…

- but…

- that’s not the entire story, is it?...

- and I’m not just thinking about David and Bathsheba…

- I’m also thinking his relationship with his children…

- for example, you may remember this story after the Bathsheba incident…where David’s son Absalom had a beautiful sister named Tamar…and he had another son named Amnon who loved Tamar…

- so Amnon and a friend set up a ruse where Amnon played sick, talked David into sending Tamar into to care for him, and then Amnon forcibly raped her…

- 2 Samuel 13:20–22 - Then Absalom her brother said to her, “Has Amnon your brother been with you? But now keep silent, my sister, he is your brother; do not take this matter to heart.” So Tamar remained and was desolate in her brother Absalom’s house. Now when King David heard of all these matters, he was very angry. But Absalom did not speak to Amnon either good or bad; for Absalom hated Amnon because he had violated his sister Tamar.

- David was very angry…but he didn’t do anything about it…

- so two full years later, Absalom was shearing sheep, and he encouraged David to send Amnon to attend the feast that went along with the event…

- and, perhaps not surprisingly, Absalom had Amnon murdered…

- 2 Samuel 13:37–39 - Now Absalom fled and went to Talmai the son of Ammihud, the king of Geshur. And David mourned for his son every day. So Absalom had fled and gone to Geshur, and was there three years. The heart of King David longed to go out to Absalom; for he was comforted concerning Amnon, since he was dead.

- David longed to go out to Absalom, not because there was going to be any judgment or retribution…that was the issue, he let things go with his children and allowed their anger and wrath to go unchecked…

- and there’s at least 2 lessons there…David’s not the only imperfect character in the family of God…can you think of any others?...you and me…and every father in this room and every person in this room…

- thankfully, all of this points to one greater than David…our Lord Jesus Christ, whose shed makes it possible for our sin to be forgiven…and whose power makes it possible to get to a better place…

- with all of that in mind, please open your Bible to Ephesians chapter 6…page ____ of the Bible under the chair in front of you…

- our church’s theme this year is Building on Our Heritage…and we’ve been having a great time celebrating our 60^th anniversary and learning as many lessons as we possibly can…

- part of our celebration is studying the book of Ephesians verse by verse…and we’ve been doing that for the majority of the year…

- the last several weeks we’ve been studying the end of chapter 5 and the beginning of chapter 6 which is all about the Christian family…we titled this section “Strengthening Unity in our Relationships”…

- this morning brings us to chapter 6 verse 4, where fathers receive the command Do Not Provoke to Anger.

- read Ephesians 6:1-4

- let’s think about – Three truths to live out in the home which help provide a godly environment for child-rearing.

I. Fathers Bear the Weight in Training Children

- there’s no doubt that…

A. This section is addressed first to dads

- sure,

B. A wife and mother play an important part in the process of parenting.

- but the fact that fathers are the ones that are called out first in this text is noteworthy…

- and we can tie that back to what we saw about husbands in chapter 5…there’s no doubt that husbands are given a leadership role…but the further you read down into the passage you see how many heavy, significant responsibilities go with that position…

- that thought process carries right into the parenting role…

- and I would encourage us to think about that positively…that God designed the father to ideally have a father and a mother…

- now before I develop that further, let me just pause and say that we have many wonderful single parents in our church…

- and I also realize that some hearing this message had a father who far from ideal…and our hearts go out to you…

- but praise God that this passage is addressed to fathers, and that part of His creative design was this wonderful position and provision in our lives…

- I think many of you know that my father was not a believer in Christ…at least not up to perhaps the end of his life…

- but he had so many incredible characteristics that were such a gift from God to me…

- for example, he was a hard worker…I never one time wondered if my dad was going to go to work…or provide for our family financially…

- he also had great integrity…he was an accountant…and he would never cheat anyone, but he certainly wouldn’t allow himself or our family to be cheated…

- so when my parents closed on their first home—which they paid $15,000 for – my dad had already calculated the closing costs…so the banker sat down with his closing sheet…and my dad pulled out his calculator…

- sure enough the banker had made a mistake, but it was less than $10 as I recall the way the story went…

- he said – we’ll wait, until you get that corrected…

- at a restaurant, my sisters and I would be so embarrassed because the bill would come and out came the calculator…he wasn’t going to underpay but he certainly wasn’t going to overpay…

- and I look back on that now and think…thank God for the design of fatherhood…for a dad who was a man of integrity…and watched out for the finances of his family…

- and now I just chuckle at how often as a pastor, I’m pouring over some ministry budget or project budget…with my hand-held calculator…thinking – you’re your father’s son…

- I also praise God for my dad’s sacrifice for me…his family was from Southwest VA…a beautiful part of the country, but very little industry…

- so my dad went to college for 2 years at an area college, and my grandpa worked in the coal mines and the natural gas fields…which was very dangerous and unpredictable work…

- my dad ran out of money for college after 2 years, so he enlisted in the army and was sent to Europe…

- during that time, my grandparents moved from SW Virginia to Gary, Indiana to work midnights in the steel mills just to feed his family…

- so what that means is – when my dad got out of the army…his family now lives in Gary…

- so he took a job at US Steel as an accountant…and worked very hard there even though he missed his friends and family back home…

- but one week a year, some of his closet friends from down in VA, TN, and KY would drive up and then they would all go fishing in Canada…

- in the early years…the pictures showed they caught so many fish it was hard to believe…

- but here’s the point – when I reached ten years of age…do you know what my dad did?...he started taking me along with his friends…

- and I’m sure like any ten year old, I brought my share of drama to the trip…

- but my dad kept taking me every year…and his friends adopted me as a welcome part of the group [could mention the graduation gift of the hand-tied rod and matched reel]…

- and again, I realize that many did not have that gift, but for those who did…Ephesians 6:4 should remind us of the beauty of God’s creative design…

- now, on the other hand,

C. We should be sensitive to single moms and dads who do this on their own

- and if you’re in that situation this morning, let me just say that your church family loves you, and some of the ways that we hope to serve you is by…

1. Praying for them and their children

- perhaps one of the take-aways from this message is to get to know a single mom or dad and asking about specific prayer requests…

2. Mentoring the children (individual men / women connected to each child)

- for example, what about when you’re taking your kids fishing, or bowling, or out for ice cream…asking another family or two to come along?...

- one of the ways Faith did this historically was Pastor Goode’s insistence that husband and wife served together in the nursery…which is very novel when you think about it…

- but his reasoning was showing children from a very early age the joy of husbands and wives serving together when that was possible…

3. Encouraging them and their children on a regular basis

- what about learning their birthdays and sending a card, or finding out about upcoming quizzes or tests and encouraging them when they do well…

- or attending a sporting event they’re playing in?...

- so the overall point here is – the critical role fathers play in the parenting process…

- now, what about this matter of “do not provoke your children to anger?”

II. This command does not mean a parent is to never oppose, deny, cross, or upset the child.

- sometimes it helps to define a concept by talking about what it can’t mean…

- you know, a sharp child could really get some mileage out of this verse, couldn’t they?...

- a mom says to the daughter – please go clean up your room…to which the daughter says…wait a minute, you’re provoking me to anger…room cleanliness is one of my triggers…

- or a dad says to a son – how do you explain these 4 F’s on your report card…dad, you’re upsetting me…the Bible says you shouldn’t…

- that can’t be it…

- earlier, we mentioned King David…

- when we get to the book of 1 Kings…this is right at the end of David’s life…remember when he was constantly cold…so he’s confined to bed it would appear…

- 1 Kings 1:5 – Now Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, “I will be king.” So he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen with fifty men to run before him.

- that’s the way they did it back in Bible times…so if see a guy running down Northwestern Ave in a chariot with 50 goofs running alongside…that means he wants to be mayor…

- well, why in the world would a son of David ever act like that?...next verse…

- 1 Kings 1:6 His father had never crossed him at any time by asking, "Why have you done so?" . . .

- father, let me ask you this – do you ever ask your children why they did what they did?...my dad used to ask me that all the time…

- like when I used to use his tools without asking and they leave them in the yard to rust…he generally did a bit more than just ask me about it…and that doesn’t mean he was provoking me to anger…no, he was teaching me the value of a dollar and how to take care of one’s tools…

- another sad example is Eli – this is the story where young Samuel was ministering in the temple for a man named Eli…and it was nighttime and Samuel kept hearing someone call his name…

- so he assumed it was Eli and he kept going and waking Eli up…”here I am – you called me”…finally Eli realized what was going on and told Samuel to go back to bed and if his name was called again, to say…”speak, for your servant is listening…”

- and then God gave Samuel a prophecy about Eli…

- 1 Samuel 3:12–13 - “In that day I will carry out against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. “For I have told him that I am about to judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knew, because his sons brought a curse on themselves and he did not rebuke them.

- well, what do you think would have happened if he had rebuked them?...they probably would have gotten angry…would that have meant that Eli had provoked them?...not in a sinful way…

- his lack of rebuking them is what is called out in that text…

- so the overall point is -- This command does not mean a parent is to never oppose, deny, cross, or upset the child.

- so then, what are we talking about?...

A. This command does imply a child is not to be brought up to an angry, impulsive lifestyle.

- that’s the principle – don’t do anything, or allow anything, that contributes to a person growing up with an angry lifestyle…

- why is that such an important issue?...

- Proverbs 25:28 Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit.

- what’s a city like that has no walls (in that culture)…no protection, no means of control, open for all sorts of other problems to occur…that’s what a man who has no control over his spirit is like…

- now, what might that look like?...2 primary forms…

B. There are examples of how a child’s sinful anger might be expressed

1. Anger can take the form of open rebellion against any authority.

- this is why children have to learn to obey and honor their parents…because otherwise their angry rebellion is going to grow…

- wise is the parent who gets started on this one early…

- fathers – this would probably be a good place to ask – are you trying to help your child avoid this kind of explosive anger?...

- and when a child is asked to do something and does it quickly and obediently, what a great opportunity to commend that child for what they did…

- for the rest of us – we might want to ask – did you have a dad who would not allow you to be openly rebellious?...

- if so, this might be a good day to call him on the phone if he’s still alive and thank him…

- but there’s more than that…

2. Anger can take the form of stubbornness, passive resentment, apathy, indifference, half-hearted performance and/or silence.

- so a child was asked to the out the trash…

- and he doesn’t obey the first time, and he doesn’t obey the second time, and doesn’t obey the third time…and then about the fourth time he gets up, slumps over the kitchen cabinet, slams his fist on the countertop, pulls the trash out of the container and dumps ¼ of it on the floor, slams the cabinet door, muttering all the way to the trash can in the garage…

- did he obey?...

- and what kind of student is that going to be in school?

- and what kind of employee is that going to be at work?...

- this is why Paul a few chapters before…Ephesians 4:31–32 - Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

- don’t provoke your child to wrath in the sense of doing anything that would cause or allow him to develop a wrathful lifestyle…

- now, a good question to ask somewhere along the line is – where’s Jesus in all of this?...

- parenting isn’t simply a matter of – don’t be angry…but instead, what does our temptation and propensity to become sinfully angry say about the nature of our hearts…and about how Jesus Christ died, was buried, and raised again so that we could establish a personal relationship with God through trusting Christ as Savior and Lord…and then be in a position to rely on Him to help us change…

- [apply the gospel to parents…]

III. Common Biblical Principles Help Parental Authority Avoid Provoking Children to Anger

A. Make sure there is no tension between the parents (solve problems biblically).

- everything that was taught back in Ephesians 4 can help children avoid sinful anger…when they see and dad solving problems biblically…

B. Control your anger and avoid abusive words, tones, and abusive correction.

- angry homes are often the breeding grounds for angry children

- why do little leopards have spots?....because big leopards have spots…

- some children report – it just seems like mom is mad all the time…or dad is mad all the time…

- “To provoke…to anger suggests a repeated, ongoing pattern of treatment that gradually builds up a deep-seated anger and resentment that boils over in outward hostility.” (John MacArthur, Ephesians, 317)

C. Build involvement with and give attention to the child (develop godly relationships).

- years ago Pastor Goode developed a series of statements that were a quick summary of our approach to parenting

- the first statement was – play a lot…

- which I always thought was interesting because Pastor Goode was a fairly formal guy…but he wanted to emphasize the crucial role of involvement and relationship…

D. Edify (build up) the child (avoid being overly critical).

- his next statement was – praise a lot…

- you know, when you get my age, you look backward quite a bit…

- if you’ve been around here a while, you probably heard me say that I don’t understand people who say – I don’t have any regrets…I always want to respond, would you like some of mine?

- and if I had it to do over again – I would have spent far more time on the former and not nearly so much on the latter…

E. Be a good listener (don’t answer a matter before you hear it) and communicator.

- Proverbs 28:13 - He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper,

But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.

- We practice this with adults (hopefully_...do we practice it with our children?...

F. Understand that not every thought or action is sin, or a major issue in life.

- historically we’ve tried to distinguish between “flame issues” and “swing issues”….comparing how we might respond to a child playing with fire, as opposed to another swinging too high on a swing set…

- our most significant response should be reserved for the flame/fire

G. Help the child understand the difference between the scripture and house rules.

- there’s nothing wrong with parents having certain “rules of the house”…

- this is what time we go to bed…get up…how many times a week we go to church…this is the standard of modesty we keep when we dress…

- nothing wring with any of that for our children during the time they are in our house…as long as we don’t act as if those rules of the house are equivalent with Scripture…

- the regular explanation should be something like—these are the rules of the house and they are not equal to the Word of God and they only have to be followed as long as you are living here…this is the Word of God that must be followed by Christians regardless of where we live the rest of our days

- but we’re not going to violate the twofold prohibition regarding the Word of God at the end of the book of Revelation…2 things you must bever do to the Bible…

H. Avoid having too many rules and always changing the rules

- when we started our Christian school, our first administrator and wife were Bob and Joan Leffew…

- they were a delightful couple – Pastor Leffew has gone to heaven now…

- if they were here, I think they would say that the previous ministries they had been involved in were fairly legalistic…sanctification by rule keeping/handbooks…

- when they came here – we made a decision – let’s have as few rules as possible…that was the first half…but the second was…

I. Grow in consistent application of expectations and training

- and let’s be sure to consistently enforce the ones we have…

- that approach has served us very well

J. Confess parental sin regularly

- this verse applies in many areas of life…but it certainly includes parenting…

- Proverbs 28:13 - He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.

- John MacArthur quoted a father in his commentary who speaks for probably many fathers…My family’s all grown and the kids are all gone. But if I had to do it all over again, this is what I would do. I would love my wife more in front of my children. I would laugh with my children more—at our mistakes and our joys. I would listen more, even to the littlest child. I would be more honest about my own weaknesses, never pretending perfection. I would pray differently for my family; instead of focusing on them, I’d focus on me. I would do more things together with my children. I would encourage them more and bestow more praise. I would pay more attention to little things, like deeds and words of thoughtfulness. And then, finally, if I had to do it all over again, I would share God more intimately with my family; every ordinary thing that happened in every ordinary day I would use to direct them to God.