Hope for Husbands in Suffering

Men…what is one of your leadership failures…

Are you finding it hard to think of one? Or would you rather not say?

Well, let me give you an example of a bad leader and see what you think. As a preface, this story may have happened to the person in front of you at the moment.

Have you ever been the one giving directions to someone else that is driving

In a foreign country and yet feel so confident about the directions?

Then suddenly direct the driver down the wrong path…

Perhaps making them turn into a one lane road that is actually, literally going the wrong way?

Add to that getting pulled over because a cop just so happened to be driving down that road… it turns out to be a disaster.

Have you ever been in this situation?

Well, let me tell you that it is not fun! It is not fun being the driver or the leader.

As the leader, would you turn to the driver and tell them that they weren’t listening and were the one at fault?!

Or would you take responsibility?

Nobody wants to be the driver in that position or even that kind of leader giving directions. We do not strive to be bad direction givers, do we?!

No, we want to strive to be excellent in all that we do.

Maybe you haven’t been in this exact situation, but I think that we have all been in the position of leadership and found that we made a wrong decision or gave the wrong direction.

As men, we have to be accountable for that…

We should say,

I am the leader, I take responsibility for that…I had the responsibility and ability to make a good decisions…and I did not make a good one and we all paid the price.

We’ve all been there…

The principle that I find quite helpful here is that my role is to bear God’s image, even in suffering that results from my shortcomings…and I can only do that if I have been remade in the image of Christ…

And so as a new creation in Christ, it is my responsibility to point others to God…to bear His image…and I do that through all kinds of trials in a broken world…and I do that as I fulfill all kinds of roles…

As a man, I have the responsibility to bear God’s image….as a Husband I have the responsibility to bear the image of God…as a father, as a pastor, as a neighbor, as a friend, as a brother, as a son…everything I do I am to point others to the character of God….point others to the redemptive plan of God and How he has rescued me…and How he wants to be reconciled with sinners…

Now various roles have various degrees of difficulty in doing that…and what I find is being a husband is incredibly rewarding,… it is a blessing and it has difficulties…both because of my nature as a sinner, and the nature of the position to lead for the glory of God…

- with that in mind, please open your Bibles to 1 Peter 3:7…page 181 of the back section of the Bible under the chair in front of you…

-7 You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

- our theme this year is Hope for Everyday Life

- to develop that idea, we’re spending the early part of the year doing a verse-by-verse study of 1^st and 2^nd Peter…called Hope in Everyday Suffering…

- we know that Peter was writing to people who had been scattered because of the persecution of the church under the wicked Emperor Nero…

Last week pastor Rod addressed hope for wives in suffering, and this week I have the privilege of speaking on Hope for Husbands in suffering

So with our time this morning lets look at….

3 ways husbands fulfill their role, even through difficulty.

Leadership is something in our culture that can be abused as some may lead selfishly and sinfully, but often times even good leadership is simply not followed or not appreciated….

Christian men need to embrace this challenge because of the biblical mandate of Christ…and so even in a sin cursed, broken world, where leadership is difficult…followers of Christ, especially husbands…must…

I. Embrace the responsibility to lead

Now that does not mean we are to lead with sinful anger or bitterness, or exasperation…we are to …

Follow Christ’s Example

Just as Pastor Rod pointed out for wives…the direction for husbands and wives goes back to the example of Christ.

1. 1 Peter 2:21 -²¹ For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps,

We are to follow Christ’s example…which leads us to…

Entrust yourself to the one who judges righteously

IN addition, because of not just the example of Christ, but the sacrifice of Christ…we are to live out our living hope, our lives are to be completely transformed to not live for ourselves…

He bore our sins in the body…so that…we would Die to sin and live to righteousness…WE would die to living for yourself and be focused on righteousness…not ease and comfort, not everyone liking us…not safety and security above all else,….but righteousness…..that which is right in God’s eyes.

The reality is leading is difficult…often when you lead you get all the criticism and very little appreciation…and a person will not lead well if they are not putting of sin and more concerned about righteousness…

This all goes back to following someone…we are called to

Follow the shepherd and guardian of your soul

The reason we follow someone, is we trust them, and we believe they can lead us…and then we mirror what they do…we mimic what they do, we follow them…so when others see us…they think about the one we are following.

A husband is commanded to lead, to be the head…this is not an option…the question is will you lead well, and will the way you lead point to the one who is leading you…

1. Ephesians 5:23–25 -²³ For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. ²⁴ But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

Husbands are to follow Christ example, be motivated by Christ’s sacrifice…and love their wives in a way that points others to Christ sacrificial love for the church.

Men…let me ask you…when is the last time you sacrificed something you really wanted, to serve you wife…and did you do it with joy because you got the honor of pointing her to the Love of Christ…

Because of this…our wives should get so overwhelmed by our sacrificial love…that they say…will you just stop and let me deny myself and serve you for like 5 min…you are hoggin all the Christlikeness opportunities…I want some…just sit down and let me serve you…

Men, to live is Christ and following Him is to give yourself up…and to love giving and not to try to get something in return, but because you are so exited to show others the love you have received from Christ….

Suffering forces us to deny self…men who have the habit of constantly denying themselves and having joy in serving others are able to handle suffering well for the glory of God.

To cultivate that mindset requires men to…

Function under authority

We all must submit…not just wives, but husbands too…

1. 1 Peter 2:13 -¹³ Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority,

If you are going to lead well…you also need to be able to submit well …Men are to be leaders, but they are not to be absolute despotic leaders…but men who are stewards of the leadership God has entrusted to them…knowing they will give an account to the Lord for how we lead…

1. 1 Corinthians 11:3 -³ But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.

The bible teaches men and women are equal in value…we bear God’s image equally…but men have a unique responsibility to lead and function in the leadership structure God has created and defined.

Be a Servant Leader

Men, let’s consider this passage…

1. Matthew 20:25–28 -²⁵ But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. ²⁶ “It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, ²⁷ and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; ²⁸ just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”

People in our culture and in the culture of Jesus day see leaders at the top of a triangle…and everyone else is underneath them…people to serve them…assistants, employees, spouse, kids…

God says it is ok to want to be great…but in his kingdom, greatness is inverted…the son of Man is the one with all honor and authority and he came to serve and give his life…so men who want to follow him are to view themselves at the bottom of the triangle…you want to use your position, your authority, your gifts and ability and resources to serve all the people who are above you…

That is what a servant leader looks like….So men we are to make the final decision after we listen and prayerfully consider the options…but that decision needs to be governed by what will honor God the most and serve others the most…not serve ME the most…

Now if you view yourself at the bottom…and you find joy in being great in God’s kingdom…then you will seek to know how your leadership impacts others…in other words you will seek to …

II. Grow as a man of understanding

1 Peter 3:7a -⁷ You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman;

This is hard work to live with your wife in an understanding way…this does not simply mean being understanding like being patient or compassionate, which is something godly men should be, but this phrase is talking about knowing something…it literally means according to knowledge…

As a godly man….there is information you need to gather regularly in order to have understanding…this means you need to listen…it means you have to remember, it means you have to learn, devote brainpower and focus… maintain on going educational training…because the people you lead, your wife, your kids…their desires and needs might change and you need to update your brain database…and that requires work, and at times suffering….

The reason we want to do this is so that we can…

Understand the challenges of the wife’s role

If we are to be servant leaders, we need to seek to understand our wives…not focus on getting them to understand what we want…

1. Philippians 2:3 -³ Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

Part of the reason this is important is that the text says we are to live in an understanding way, because our wives are weaker.

This does not mean intellectually weaker, spiritually weaker, or emotionally weaker…Some have indicated that women in general are physically weaker than men. This is true on average, and the original text uses the word vessel… but it is not true in every scenario. There are some women who are physically stronger than some men.

However, when there is leadership and especially in the culture that Peter is writing to…women are in a weak position.

Men need to understand how difficult it is to submit to an imperfect leader…and the reality is many of us know that…the decisions that a boss makes can make their employees lives more difficult, or their decision can bring efficiency, clear guidelines, an enjoyable work environment….

So too can husbands make decisions that really makes life difficult for wives who are in a weak position…

Let’s say a husband wants to stay up late, eat way more sweets than normal, and watch a movie and totally disregard bedtime…and the kids are exhausted…and dad has to work the next day or go on a trip and mom has to take care of a bunch of exhausted kids who still have ice cream dripping off their chin…

Or let’s say a husband wants to get a new truck, or a new set of tools, or he wants to put an underground bowling alley under their house…and he chooses to do that, and his wife now has to put off constant concern for their finances since the husband has overextended them and made foolish financial decisions.

The bottom line is a man of understanding wants to understand how their decisions can make their wives life better or worse.

Now, part of growing is embracing the challenge of being a godly husband…and because we are living in a sin cursed world…we need to …

Understand the challenges of the husband’s role

The reality is leading in this culture is hard…men often are called to work hard, deal with a lot of physical and mentally difficult problems at work…and if men lead and try to take charge…often times all they get is criticism…

But we are not going to let the culture derail us from fulfilling our biblical mandate…even if it is a hard, and sometimes thankless endeavor, and even if we get resistance form all sorts of places…

The real challenge is that.…leading takes effort and work, and often will mean you have to think about more people than just yourself…and understanding someone else is difficult… the bible says in prov 20:5 that…

1. Proverbs 20:5 -⁵ A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, But a man of understanding draws it out.

Think about a person’s plans…what they want out of life…what they believe will satisfy them or make them feel safe…or things they want to do…the bible says these things are deep in our hearts.

Why do people’s plans tend to be deep or held close to the vest….

maybe people are embarrassed that someone will mock their plans…

maybe they are concerned that they might have to give them up or they may be challenged to consider if those plans are wise, or glorifying to God….

maybe their plans reveal something about them that makes them feel vulnerable…

if I know what your plans are…if I know what you want out of life…that might give me leverage, and I can use that to try to manipulate you or leverage that knowledge to my own purposes…

So a person’s plans are deep…they are more like an Ancient Near Eastern well, rather than a water fountain, or soda machine…where you just put in a dollar and you get water…or you just push a button…you need to pull a rope with a bucket of water ….you need to pay attention, focus, exert energy…you need to ask one questions, then another…to learn…and you can’t rely on the info you gathered yesterday….because each day has its own challenges,….and the plan in the heart of man change…

So men, what does it look like to be a man of understanding with your wife…well it starts with when you come home and you ask how was your day, you don’t say to yourself…say fine, say fine, please just say fine…you come home looking to grow to be a man of understanding.

It means learning to ask good questions that focus your wife’s relationship with the Lord and what His plans are for her life and you learn about her plans so you can serve her

Practically that might mean you regularly ask…How have you seen God work in your life today? What was the hardest part of your day…anyway I can be praying for you or anyway I can help lighten your load?

And it means that you listen!

You might say, well I’m not sure if listening is my forte… Well here are some guidelines from Stuart Scott that I know you are eager to hear…

Concentrating on and carefully considering what the other person is saying

• Not interrupting
• Not formulating what you are going to say while the other person is talking
• Not talking too much, but allowing breaks in the conversation so that another person can have time to process information, formulate what they want to say and then say it to you
• When you are in an important conversation, always ask for clarification with comments like, “Could you say that again?” or “Could you explain a little more?” or “Is this what you are saying…?”
• Not talking when someone else is speaking. This bad manner is a serious offense.

Hopefully this list helps you grow in understanding when your wife answers your questions.

But what about those times that your wife may not want to be the first to speak?

Well, that means you go first and allow yourself to be drawn out first.

Share what you are learning in the bible, and How God was working in your life…maybe even share ways you had to put off the old man, maybe lead by being vulnerable and sharing how God is working in your heart to put off any idols you have…and put on loving Christ above all else…

It’s always a challenge to put people ahead of yourself…and just like husbands are imperfect leaders, so wives are imperfect followers…and so there may be times when it is going to be difficult…and yet husbands are still called to…

III. Show honor to your wife

1 Peter 3:7b and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Why should husbands show their wives honor…

because they perfectly respect their husband,

because they are always kind and affectionate and initiate intimacy,

because they are always supportive and always say things that build up their husband, and do things that show you honor?….

All of those are wonderful and delightful things…but that is not why a husband should show his wife honor…In this text it says He should show her honor primarily ….

Because she is a fellow heir of Grace

She has received grace just like He has…She is an image bearer recreated in Christ…

Those who have trusted Jesus’ work on the cross and trusted that God raised Him from the dead have been transferred from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of His beloved Son…and we are not just citizens of a new kingdom…but we are heirs of that kingdom…God is our portion our inheritance and men and women are going to rule with Him…Romans says it like this…

1. Romans 8:16–17 -¹⁶ The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, ¹⁷ and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

Your wife is a co-heir of God…you need to show her honor…and you are a co-heir of God…and your wife needs to show you honor…and both of you need to fulfill your biblical roles…even when doing so leads to suffering or even when you are suffering and you need to trust the Lord in continuing to walk as a godly husband when it is hard.

I want to end on an encouraging note…but before we get there, we need to highlight one of the most sobering passages in the bible for men…

We need to show our wives honor, and listen to them, and live with them in an understanding way…recognizing they are in a weak position due to our imperfect fulfillment of our roles…and we need to be men of understanding …..so that…

So that your prayers will not be hindered

God says this is so important…that if you do not listen to your wife…you do not live with her in an understanding way…you do not consider that she is in a weak position under your leadership…

…if you do no listen to your wife…than God says He will not listen to you….your prayers will hit the ceiling…your prayers will be hindered…your prayers will not reach him…he will not honor your requests…because you will not honor your wife…

That is serious….

Men, one of the things you can do today to apply this and take this seriously is set aside time today to talk with your wife.. and ask for honest helpful feedback…

Ask – Am I easy to approach and voice concerns when you feel like you are in a weak position…

Do you feel like we set aside time where I can learn about your day, about your concerns…what are some ways I can draw you out better so I can learn to lead and serve you better.

Ask - Am I leading in addressing the kid’s behavior biblically so it does not all fall on you…do you see evidence of me leading spiritually….

Then men…you listen humbly, you seek to become a man of understanding, and you seek to make a list of ways you can grow and seek to take one step this week…one small step…and then next week one more step…

Wives…this is not a time to unload…Bring up all that they’ve ever done wrong

This is a time to pick a few things that you can speak about in an edifying way…and you could even then ask…

Is there anything I can be doing to support your leadership more at home…are there any ways I can seek to show you honor as a co-heir of grace that would help you fulfill your role….

The reality is when a husband and wife function like this not only does God hear their prayers…but God blesses their efforts as they seek to follow the example of Christ and entrust themselves to the one who judges righteously…

When husbands and wives seek to die to sin and put on righteousness,

When men lead this way, the home will be marked with grace…it will overflow with grace as each person sees themselves and the other person as a Co-heir of grace…

And when a wrong turn is made, and suffering comes…

That grace then can motivate both a husband and a wife…to follow the shepherd and guardian of their soul.