Posture of Problem Makers vs Problem Solvers

Welcome to our Fall Kickoff Sunday! Since our church calendar runs with the school calendar today is like New Years. I realize we have a lot of announcements, but please pay attention to all the new ministries available. This is a great time to grow in Christ.

Today is the 11^th sermon in our series Handling Criticism. I know for me that after I do or listen to a series for a while, I need a summary.

• I need some way of grasping in simple terms what we have taken weeks or months to study.

Handling criticism can be broken down into 3 basic questions.

1. How do I avoid sinful criticism and ensure that I offer constructive criticism?
2. How do I respond to people who criticize me?
3. How should I respond when I am around critical people?

Every sermon in our series has addressed one or more of these areas at least once. Let’s take the first question for a moment.

• Numbers 11, 12, and 13 describe the sinful critics who crave their own desires rather than the desires of the Lord, distort the truth to fit their narrative, and they remove future blessing from the people around them. Ouch. Have I offered criticism like that?

• This kind of criticism is offensive to the Lord and destructive to us and others.

• I encouraged us to take the log out of our eye so that we can give accurate criticism with a heart that wants to see Jesus honored and people helped.

• The message on 1 Cor 15 helped us remember gospel priorities when we offer criticism.

The Ezekiel passage helped answer the second question. How do I respond when people criticize me? I think we all can affirm that sometimes the criticism is warranted. We deserve it.

• I remember someone being on my case about something. I did not like it. But they were right. I needed to hear what they said and I needed to change.

But sometimes, like Ezekiel, the Lord allows us to minister to a person who will not listen and will not want to hear the Word of the Lord.

• God tells Ezekiel to respond with courage and strength (do not be afraid of them, Ezek 2:6). He tells Ezekiel to keep sharing the word (2:7) even if they hate you for it.

Sometimes the criticism is exactly what we need to hear to take a step of growth. We do not always grow by surrounding ourselves with people who tell us we are awesome.

• But other times, the criticism is not warranted. It comes from a rebellious heart.

• God calls these people scorpions. They will not listen to you because they do not care what Jesus thinks.

• Not only that, but they will blast you for it.

Fathers, you are trying to bring the Word to your sons. They will not listen because they are rebellious scorpions.

• Husbands, you are trying to bring Jesus into your home and your wife starts whining. She is being a rebellious scorpion.

• Wives, you are trying to help your children love Jesus and your husband is spiritually lazy. He is acting like a rebellious scorpion.

• They make accusations against you because they do not want to hear from Jesus.

• Stay strong. Keep delivering the Word. Do not be afraid.

We discussed what to do when you find yourself around critical people. Many workplaces keep proverbial knives in the desk drawers so they can stab in the back whoever left the room.

• The Bible says run. Keep running. Never stop running. Those are not the type of people you want to be around. You might even experience consequences just being near them.

I realize that was a little long, but I know summaries like this help me and I hope it was helpful to you as well.

The message today will provide additional information on our first question: How do I avoid sinful criticism and ensure that I offer constructive criticism?

If you have your Bible’s please turn to Eph. 4:31-32. That is on page _____ in the back section of the Bible under the chair in front of you. And as you are turning there, let’s get some context.

Most of the first 3 chapters of Ephesians is prayer.

• Paul prays that God’s people would know him, know his power, and that his power would be active in their lives so that they might become more like Jesus.

• In between the major prayers are the wonderful truths that followers of Jesus have been reconciled to God and to one another on the basis of God’s grace through the finished work of Jesus.

They are three of the most exciting and encouraging chapters in the Bible. But the Lord gives his people responsibility as well.

• Ephesians 4:1 says, “Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk worthy of the calling.” He is talking about Jesus’ work of reconciling us to God and each other.

• In light of that … walk worthy.

Great. Got it. But what does that mean. Jump down to verse 22. [Read vv. 22-24]. Since we have been made new, we are supposed to go through the continual process of putting off and putting on --- Christian growth.

• This process is not a small, tiny adjustment to our already awesome character. This is a radical change (explain v. 28).

• We are going to discuss radical change today and specifically the change necessary to avoid sinful criticism and offer godly help.

That brings us to our primary text for today. Ephesians 4:31-32. Please follow along as I read. This is the Word of the Lord.

Those familiar with our counseling training will recognize this as rule #4 of our 4 rules of communication: Act, Don’t React. But we are going to look at these verses with a slightly different lens this morning.

We are talking about how to give constructive criticism and avoid sinful criticism.

The Title of this message is The Posture of Problem Makers versus Problem Solvers. I would like us to consider 2 Steps to Guide Us when giving Criticism.

Verse 31 lists the put off. If we live in the characteristics described in v. 31, then we will be sinful critics---Problem Makers. Or in the words of Ezekiel 2 --- rebellious scorpions.

I. The Posture of a Problem Makers

The six words of v. 31 describe actions and attitudes. Anger not only comes out in our words, our body language, and our actions, it is a disposition of the heart.

• Bitterness does not describe only how a person behaves, but also the attitude of their heart.

Let’s consider each word and see why these cannot be part of our lives.

Bitterness.

One lexicon defines bitterness as: a state of sharp, intense resentment or hate. Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996), 763.

One vivid example of bitterness is Naomi. She tells Ruth to call her Mara, the Hebrew word for bitter…saying…

“She said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. “I went out full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the Lord has witnessed against me and the Almighty has afflicted me?”” (Ruth 1:20–21, NASB95)

Naomi’s conclusion was that the Lord was treating her harshly, he was dealing with her in a way that demonstrated hatred toward her. Of course that was not true.

• But at this point in the story Naomi could only see that she lost her husband and two sons. Nothing else mattered.

Let me tell a story from my own life to illustrate bitterness.

• When I was in 3d grade I was apparently a very difficult student to have in class. My academic grades were fine, but in those days you received behavior grades and let’s just say that mine needed to improve.

• The longer the year went, the more I was in trouble. A watershed moment happened before the final grading period. My dad told me that if my behavior marks did not improve then I would forfeit my allowance for the entire summer

• [mind you I only got a couple dollars a month … but the thought of losing those dollars all summer was horrifying to me]

• Report card day came and my behavior marks did not improve one bit. I lost my allowance all summer.

• It was, in my opinion, the greatest injustice that year right behind Iran taking over our embassy and holding our citizens hostage … but honestly, it was a close call.

For decades I viewed her as the epitome of evil. She must have been the spawn of Satan himself.

• My memory of 3d grade was dominated by one set of behavior marks that resulted in the loss of my allowance all summer.

Thankfully I am over it now … at least mostly over it! But here is what it did.

• It made me incapable of speaking constructively or in a balanced way about my 3d grade teacher (I realize she was not horrible, but I was convinced she was so evil she would be on America’s Most Wanted).

• Worse, it provided an opportunity for me to practice bitterness so that I could apply it to future relationships and situations.

My story is kind of funny and bit ridiculous. Sometimes the story is not funny.

• I hear students speak about their recent teachers. They are developing the skill of bitterness. They are crippling themselves for life.

• Sadly, some spouses view their loved one that way. They are so full of bitterness that they cannot speak constructively in their life. When criticism comes out – it is sinful.

• Life is read … like my 3d grade year … through one set of marks.

I once read that bitterness is like drinking poison and thinking someone else will die.

• Friends, we will not give constructive and helpful criticism when our heart is full of bitterness. It will destroy us instead.

We will see things like Naomi did in the book of Ruth or I did in 3d grade; we will lock on to one disappointing thing and read our entire existence through it.

If we are going to honor Jesus by offering godly and balanced constructive criticism—criticism designed for growth and improvement, then bitterness cannot be part of the equation.

• We need conviction and repentance before we give criticism.

The text continues …

Wrath and Anger

There is overlap in the meaning of these two words. Rather than discuss their differences, I am going to discuss them together.

We know that all anger is not wrong because on occasion Jesus was angry:

“After looking around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, He said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored.” (Mark 3:5, NASB95)

All too often our anger is not also associated with grieving at the hardness of people’s hearts. Instead, it is more like we find in the city of Ephesus.

After the gospel advanced and people were coming to Christ, the community responded with anger.

“When they heard this and were filled with rage, they began crying out, saying, “Great is Artemis of the Ephesians!”” (Acts 19:28, NASB95)

If anger can be sinful or righteous, then how will we know the difference?

Anger becomes sinful when it is focused around

1. Your Kingdom and Your Rights, Not God and His Kingdom

1. Lack’s the Fruit of the Spirit.

Meaning, when you are angry, and it is all about you…not about God…then it is sinful. And it is wrong, when the only tool that you have in your tool belt is angry. Robert Jones puts it well when he says….

“Righteous anger remains self-controlled. It keeps its head without cursing, screaming, raging, or flying off the handle. Nor does it spiral downward in self-pity or despair. It does not ignore people, snub people, or withdraw from people. Instead, righteous anger carries with it the twin qualities of confidence and self-control. Christlike anger is not all-consuming and myopic but channeled to sober, earnest ends. Godly strains of mourning, comfort joy, praise, and action balance it.— (Robert Jones, Uprooting Anger, 30)

When sinful anger and/or wrath is in my heart, then I will not be interested in what the Lord wants, but what I want.

• It is not hard to see how anger will breed more anger.

• The Bible says that a soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.

Sinful anger and wrath will result in criticism that is hard to hear and sounds very selfish. This breeds anger in others.

• It is not hard to see how a parent-child conversation will not go well when sinful anger is in the heart. It is not hard to see how a marriage will struggle if people have wrath in their heart when offering criticism.

When righteous anger and wrath give criticism, then the words, desires, and tones will point toward growth.

We are also instructed to put off

Clamor

Our lexicon defines clamor as:

the sound of a loud scream or shout—‘cry, shout, scream

Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996), 398.

It is not hard to see why this would lead to sinful criticism. There are some people who are really loud. There are some homes where you need earplugs to be in them.

• When there is screaming and yelling, there is more often than not, either a competition for who can be loudest or someone shuts down.

• In either case, constructive, godly criticism that results in Jesus glorifying growth is not in play.

I understand that sometimes you just want to scream. Right before our family left on vacation Samuel’s car needed fixed. It is a 1996 Mazda Protégé that I bought in 1996 with 7 miles on it. The cost of the repair was right on the line.

• That line between do we fix it and hope it lasts another year or count our blessings and sent it car heaven.

• We paid for it to be fixed and everything seemed fine on the drive home. We went on vacation and forgot about it. However, when we got back and started the car again, the most awful screeches were coming from the repair site.

• The kind of screeches that announce to the entire world that your car has issues. The kind of screeches that embarrass even the most hardy driver.

Let’s just say that when I called the repair shop was not being overly concerned that something they did might have created a problem.

I had to remember that godly constructive criticism could result in honoring Jesus (I am preaching on this subject for crying out loud) and a proper repair or speaking in a clamorous way could result in not pleasing Jesus nor getting a proper repair.

• In the end, they owned up to it and made the appropriate fix.

• I can imagine that it might go down differently if clamor had been part of the story.

What happens when your spouse does something for the 10,000^th time. The dishwasher is right there. You don’t even have to take a step to move from the sink to the dishwasher … you just have to bend down. You can’t believe it.

• You just want to scream. Right there, that moment, needs Ephesians 4:31.

Let’s continue… oooh look what comes next … this is surely a way to give constructive criticism.

Slander

The term means: to speak against someone in such a way as to harm or injure his or her reputation Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996), 433.

See if you can pick up our word in this passage as it not only is in here, but also illustrates what we are talking about…

“And those passing by were hurling abuse at Him, wagging their heads and saying, “You who are going to destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save Yourself! If You are the Son of God, come down from the cross.” In the same way the chief priests also, along with the scribes and elders, were mocking Him and saying, “He saved others; He cannot save Himself. He is the King of Israel; let Him now come down from the cross, and we will believe in Him. “He trusts in God; let God rescue Him now, if He delights in Him; for He said, ‘I am the Son of God.’ ”” (Matthew 27:39–43, NASB95)

They were hurling abuses at him….That is a great way to start off productive and godly conversations meant for growth.

• Let’s begin by insulting each other … hurling abuses! Boy does that put everyone in the right frame of mind to be more like Jesus.

• Hey hun, we need to talk about something. Can I just begin by saying that your stupidity absolutely amazes me?

• It is good thing sarcasm was not in the list or I would be in big trouble in this sermon!

Lastly, our text talks about putting off…

Malice

a feeling of hostility and strong dislike, with a possible implication of desiring to do harm Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996), 763.

This last characteristic highlights that where you have bitterness, or anger, or wrath, or clamor malice goes with it. The desire to harm exists in your heart.

• Constructive, godly criticism just cannot happen when we desire to harm the person we are talking to.

Our context is radical change … it is put off and put on. Eph. 4:23…we were told to renew our mind. When you put this together with v. 31 we see that …

First, we must be honest about these tendencies when they are in our heart. It doesn’t do us any good to pretend…I’m not angry…when you are angry.

• It doesn’t do you any good to claim, “I’m not bitter” when everyone around you can see that you are bitter.

• Sometimes, sad to say, we have malice in our heart and want to harm another person at least a little.

Second, we must change the way we think.

Our thinking needs to be honest about the situation and controlled by God’s word in our evaluation.

• We all have a propensity to turn narratives over in our minds. To rehearse stories that are not exactly true and then cling to our lies.

We will justify our anger, defend our bitterness, excuse our expressions of sin. Before we offer criticism, we must renew our mind first.

• To use the terminology of Matthew 7:1-5 --- we must take the log out of our eyes.

Please do not hang on to lies. Repent of them. See them for what they are. Cling to the truth and follow God’s Word in giving criticism.

You might need help. Please seek a community that can keep you accountable.

• No accountability partner can make decisions for you. They can encourage you to follow through on the commitments you made.

Please hear this. We have ABFs, point man groups, and ladies Bible studies to ensure that everyone has an opportunity for meaningful Christian community.

• You must take advantage of them. You are less likely to hang on to your bitterness, anger, and clamor with malice when you in a community of believers who can help you see the lies.

• Now is a great time to jump in.

Third, we must put on. That brings us to v. 32. Here we see the positive side. How can I offer godly criticism that helps others become more like Jesus? To use the Problem terminology…how can I be a problem solver?

II. Posture of a Problem Solver

The first word is …

Kind

While it may be a small word, but it is packed with meaning

to provide something beneficial for someone; Johannes P. Louw and Eugene Albert Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament: Based on Semantic Domains (New York: United Bible Societies, 1996), 749.

In fact, one very important verse that describes God’s actions and attitude involving criticism towards us uses this very word.

“Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?” (Romans 2:4, NASB95)

This kindness of the Lord is both a heart attitude and an action. God is so kind not to leave us in pits.

• He convicts us because the pit is not good for us. He knows that repentance is the ladder out.

When stores sell a tainted food, we expect a recall. When a car manufacturer discovers a dangerous design flaw we expect them to tell us and fix it. That is kind.

• It is supremely unkind to let us live in danger without telling us.

God was so kind to send Jesus to die on our behalf that we might live. While we were enemies of God, the kindness of God appeared.

• Jesus did not tell you that you are awesome and amazing just the way you are. He told you that you are sinner. That you have violated God’s standards and you need to repent and trust in the finished work of Christ.

If you look at your life and see hurtful, harmful destructive criticism born out of bitterness, anger, wrath, clamor, and malice, then maybe kindness seems impossible to you.

• It might be that you have never experienced the kindness of Jesus.

• You have not repented of your sin, been forgiven, and seen the freedom from your prior way of living.

I appeal to you to change. I appeal to you to repent and trust in the finished work of Jesus.

If you know Jesus, then please clothe yourselves in kindness.

Practically speaking, kindness can manifest itself when we offer godly, constructive criticism by:

1. Kind people don’t have to get their preferences

Some things don’t matter as much as other things matter. Kindness can see the difference and then seek the more important thing.

If you are going to dinner to celebrate something, the meal is not as important as the celebration.

• It is possible to have a great dinner and a terrible celebration. If that happens, we missed the point.

• It would be much better to have a terrible dinner and a great celebration.

1. Kind people genuinely seek the benefit of others even at their own expense.

Helping someone to grow and change often requires work. When we criticize we also offer solutions and we are part of that solution.

Pastor Viars led us through the SMP. We started with evaluation. We moved to initiatives (or solutions). Now we are talking about how we will be part of the solution.

We participate financially and we look at the initiatives and see which ones we can help accomplish.

• Stewardship Celebration on Nov 20 … this celebration will enhance your Thanksgiving.

• Make a capital campaign commitment …

• Card in the brochure

• Online at /capital campaign

• Through the Faith Church app

• Talk about a Seminary (Alumni communication) and FE initiative (Children’s Ministries)

This same process is also what it takes in the home/family and in the workplace. Getting to a better place means that I am going to invest personally.

1. Kind people trust in God’s provision for their well-being.

It can be easy to believe that if I don’t take care of me…then no one will. So, I need to look out for me.

• But when we are trusting in God…when we believe that we can seek the betterment of others because God will take care of our needs.

Helpful, constructive, godly criticism comes from a kind heart, it also comes from one that is …

Tender-Hearted

What a great word. David Powlison is with the Lord now, but he was a leader in the biblical counseling movement. One of my friends was trained under David.

• I asked, “What was David like in the counseling room?” My friend said, “David is gentle.” I think gentle was the action that flowed from a heart that was tender to hurting people.

I want to grow in that area.

Anyone struggle hearing criticism when it is the opposite of tender-hearted?

• Instead of being sensitive to you, the person is like forget you … the earth will be a better place without you unless you do what I tell you.

They might be right that we need to grow and change. But that delivery is hard to take.

• We are much more likely to be defensive. There have been many articles written about the number of people who changed jobs in the pandemic.

• I think some of them were tired of working for a boss who was not tender.

I think spouses are more likely to respond well when tenderness is part of the equation. Children also. I know I have had to repent to my children for being harsh.

Tender-hearted is not just affection and care; it represents the entire heart of a person. Notice how Paul writes about Onesimus. Remember that Philemon owned Onesimus. Paul sends him back, after winning him to Christ.

“I have sent him back to you in person, that is, sending my very heart,” (Philemon 12, NASB95)

Philemon is the greatest guilt trip letter ever written. Paul wanted Philemon to respond well, because he grew to love Onesimus. You can see the love, the care, the concern in this verse.

That is what we are to have in our hearts toward others…what are we to put in the place of bitterness and malice? Hearts that are full of love and compassion towards others.

Lastly, we are told that we are to be

Forgiving

If we offer criticism, then what happens if the person actually listens and repents? That might be amazing even shocking. If my heart is tender and full of kindness, then the next logical step is forgiveness.

If I confront someone and they receive it well, the last thing I would want to do is withhold forgiveness. Let’s start with a definition.

Forgiveness is….

A commitment by the offended to pardon graciously the repentant from moral liability and to be reconciled to that person, although not all consequences are necessarily eliminated. (Chris Brauns, Unpacking Forgiveness, 55)

Whatever was in the way is not in the way anymore. The sin has been reconciled. The obstacle has been removed. Verse 32 explains the motivation too.

“… forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32, NASB95)

There are a number of implications about forgiveness …

1. Forgiveness is transactional.
   
   

1. Forgiveness is not optional for Christians
   
   

We see that play out in Mt. 18…when if you won’t forgive others…then there is a problem with your own forgiveness.

1. Forgiveness does not mean all the consequences are removed in every situation.

It is possible to reconcile sin without restoring a person to the exact same position.

1. Forgiveness is a promise

1. To not bring the issue up for someone’s harm

1. To not share the issue with others for harm

1. To not dwell on the issue in your own mind.

Friends, handling criticism has many different aspects.

• Today, we were seeing how we can handle it sinfully. When our heart is full of malice (intent to harm), then it is just a matter of the form the harm takes --- for some bitterness, others anger and wrath, others clamor. But all of them dishonor Jesus and make the criticism sinful.

• There is another way. We can offer constructive godly criticism when our hearts are full of kindness, tender-heartedness, and eagerness to forgive.

Next week finishes our handling criticism series. If you need a summary, go online and print the first page of my notes. However you choose to do it, get these messages in a form you can digest and apply.

After all, let’s know how to offer godly, constructive criticism that helps us all grow to be like Christ so that we might use our lives to make the greatest difference possible for the cause of Christ.