3 commands for parents raising children in the Lord
I. Instruct Your Child in the Lord
Ephesians 6:4b - …bring [your children] up in the… instruction of the Lord.
A. If you’re not teaching them, someone else is
B. Biblical instruction takes many forms
1. Teach them to love truth
Psalm 119:97-104 - O how I love Your law! It is my meditation all the day. Your commandments make me wiser than my enemies, for they are ever mine. I have more insight than all my teachers, for Your testimonies are my meditation. I understand more than the aged, because I have observed Your precepts. I have restrained my feet from every evil way, that I may keep Your word. I have not turned aside from Your ordinances, for You Yourself have taught me. How sweet are Your words to my taste! Yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth! From Your precepts I get understanding; therefore I hate every false way.
2. Teach them to love the Lord
Deuteronomy 6:5 - You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
John 14:15 - If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.
3. Teach them to live like Christ
1 Corinthians 11:1 - Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ.
4. Teach them to glorify God
1 Corinthains 10:31 - Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
5. Teach them how to teach others
Judges 2:10 - All that generation also were gathered to their fathers; and there arose another generation after them who did not know the Lord, nor yet the work which He had done for Israel.
Matthew 28:19a-20a - Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations… teaching them to observe all that I commanded you…
6. Teach them to trust in God rather than themselves
Proverbs 3:5-7 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
C. Take every opportunity to instruct your children
1. Take advantage of unplanned opportunities
2. Plan times to instruct your children
II. Discipline Your Child in the Lord
Ephesians 6:4b - …bring [your children] up in the discipline…of the Lord.
A. Understand discipline biblically
1. God disciplines us
Hebrews 12:5b-11 - My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; for those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives.” It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
2. Discipline is loving
Proverbs 13:24 - He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
3. Discipline redirects a child’s path
Proverbs 22:15 - Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.
Proverbs 23:13-14 - Do not hold back discipline from the child, although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol.
B. Practice discipline biblically
1. Utilize self-control
James 1:20 - …the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
2. Carry it out for the right purpose
3. Ensure it’s motivated by love
1 Corinthians 16:14 - Let all that you do be done in love.
4. Pair discipline with instruction
5. Maintain consistency
C. Carry out discipline lovingly
1. Parents are the primary disciplinarians
2. Communicate expectations beforehand
3. Help the child see the correlation between cause and effect
4. Pair discipline with reward
III. Practice Balanced Parenting
A. Understand the needs of your children
B. Avoid the pitfall of “overbearing”
C. Avoid the pitfall of “complacent”
One of my favorite hobbies is coaching youth basketball. I have been steadily moving up in my career and after needing to years of growth at the 4th grade level, I have advanced on pace until I have now reached the pinnacle of success as a 7th grade boy’s basketball coach.
After I was overlooked by the NBA, I decided that coaching would be my only route to the Hall of Fame and so I decided to volunteer where no one else would volunteer, 3rd grade boy’s basketball assistant.
Here is why I love coaching basketball. It gives an incredible platform for discipleship. You get to teach the players on your team how to respond well to disappointing losses, disappointing referees, and disappointing losses because of disappointing referees. You also get to teach them the skill of winning with class, not looking like a fool while celebrating a play while losing by 25, and how to contribute your individual best for the good of the team.
And so basketball workouts have begun for the upcoming season of dominance. And as the team has moved up through the grades the balance of instruction and discipline has ramped up.
The goal for our team is to not only be disciplined to do the little aspects of the game right, but also to be instructed on how to think like basketball players so that you can make adjustments to whatever the other team throws at you.
The team that has fundamentals without instruction will only be able to compete with teams that play them a certain way. However, the team that has instruction without discipline will not be able to carry out the game plan at all. But the team that has a combination of both will have the potential to make it to the Final Four (Picture of Alabama basketball), oops need to know my audience (Picture of Purdue basketball). And the team that has neither discipline or instruction will falter for sure (IU basketball)
We are in final stretch of our year long study on Building on Our Heritage as we celebrate our 60th anniversary of our church’s ministry.
The book that we have chosen to study in this year is the book of Ephesians.
There are a number of “building” illustrations seen throughout the Book of Ephesians
In chapter 1, we see God building His family, by adopting sons and daughters into the Kingdom through the blood of His Son
Chapter 2 ended by showing us that the church is a structure, “being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.” – Eph 2:22
Similarly, chapter 3 closes with an encouragement that God is building up those who are His, “…being rooted and grounded in love, [they] may have strength to comprehend with all the Saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God…” – Eph 3:17b-19
Chapter 4 describes the leaders placed over the body of Christ, calling them “to equip the Saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ...” -Eph 4:12-13
We recently came out of chapter 5, where we’re given the foundation upon which we are to build our (1) Christian fellowship and (2) marriages
If you recall last week, the beginning of the passage asserted that parents are not to provoke their children to anger – another way of saying that would be “don’t tear them down…”
The passage we’re going to be focusing on today gives us the positive side of the equation: Raising Children in Loving Instruction and Discipline
Which is to say, this morning we’re going to be talking about how to build them up
Please turn with me once more to Eph 6 (That is page _______ of the back section of the Bible located under the chair in front of you)
If we are to avoid tearing down our children. Or if we are to avoid provoking them to anger then we need to do what?
Follow along as I read, Ephesians 6:1-4.
Ephesians 6:1-4 – Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.
4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Let’s spend the remainder of our time together today looking at Three commands for parents raising children in the Lord.
I think that just by looking at our text you will probably find the first 2 with no problem.
I like to think of things often in a mathematical equation. It just helps me think through things clearly.
So, a few examples:
Northern Illinois Football
+ Being Over Ranked
Notre Dame Loss
(Can this be added in one line at a time like a math equation)
Or
Separate Drive – Thru Nativity
+ Separate Walk – Thru Nativity
Better Nativity for all
(Can this be added in one line at a time like a math equation)
So, how do I raise or train my child in the Lord.
“Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6, NASB95)
Instruction (this is the way you should go)
+Discipline (this is the way you should not go)
Training Your Child
Instruct Your Child in the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4b – …bring [your children] up in the… instruction of the Lord.
If you are not teaching them, someone else is.
So, for instance from an early age my parents taught me the importance of being in church.
My dad was in management at Caterpillar tractor company and served as volunteer prison chaplain.
There were a lot of Sundays when he was tired and probably wanted to stay home.
But it was almost a guarantee that if the church doors were open then the Kjaer family would be sitting on the second pew on the organ side.
And if there was any other church event then we were going to be there.
And guess what, I am trying to pass down to my kids…the same expectation.
For many people church is something to do if there nothing else going on. But I think God’s Word is pretty clear that church should be the thing that is going on that makes everything else not possible.
What was the lesson my parents were trying to teach me…
Worshipping God
With God’s People
In a local church
Should be the highest priority in my life.
My week, my schedule, my focus should revolve around Christ.
And here is the thing, if you are not training your kids in this way then guess what, they are learning a different lesson.
Listen to these words on this matter from Brad Bigney in his book Gospel Treason.
"You see it with families - even Christians - driving their kids all over God's green earth, because 'my child's really good. He's in a special league,' which basically means that the family gets to miss church three out of four Sundays so that the kids can kick a ball, jump off a balance beam, or ride a horse. And that child, while being carted from one sporting event to the next in a cute little outfit, is thinking, 'This is what it's all about. This is so important to Mom and Dad, what our entire home revolves around. I live for this.'
I'm not saying that you can't be in a league or you can't play ball. But moms and dads, don't give in to the same spirit that the rest of our country has towards sports. As Christians - lovers of Jesus Christ - we have a higher calling. It breaks my heart to see Christians being sucked into the whirlpool like everyone else. I grieve when I see someone I've missed at church and say, 'Wow, I've missed you guys,' and they respond, 'Well, you know, it's such-and-such season, and the kids are in a special league, and ...'
Randy Patten, has a great principle: 'Just add ten.' Right now, she's eight years old, but just add ten years, and then you tell me where that eighteen-year-old girl will be on Sunday, after you have had her on the soccer field three out of four Sundays her entire life. Do you really believe she'll head back to church, thinking about how important it is? If so, you are fooling yourself.
As soon as we drift away from Christ and the centrality of the gospel, we start erecting substitutes for God. That's why our culture is so desperate to make heroes and celebrities our of everything and everybody - because of our innate yearning for God and the freedom of His gospel, both of which we as a people have rejected. And we try to fill the void with hero and celebrity worship. G.K. Chesterton got it exactly right when he said, 'When we cease to worship God, we do not worship nothing. We worship anything.'" - Brad Bigney, Gospel Treason
What is the thinking your child is being trained to believe when they…
Are raised by a screen?
Are raised by a sport?
Are raised by acedemia?
Pop culture?
Parents, we must be the ones doing the training and point them towards Christ.
Biblical instruction takes many forms
Here are 6 ways we need to be teaching our kids.
- Teach Them to Love Truth
Develop this!
Psalm 119:97-104 – O how I love Your law! It is my meditation all the day. Your commandments make me wiser than my enemies, for they are ever mine. I have more insight than all my teachers, for Your testimonies are my meditation. I understand more than the aged, because I have observed Your precepts. I have restrained my feet from every evil way, that I may keep Your word. I have not turned aside from Your ordinances, for You Yourself have taught me. How sweet are Your words to my taste! Yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth! From Your precepts I get understanding; therefore I hate every false way.
- Teach them to Love the Lord
Develop this
Deuteronomy 6:5 – You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
John 14:15 – If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.
- Teach them to Live Like Christ
Develop this
1 Corinthians 11:1 – Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ.
- Teach them to Glorify God
1 Corinthains 10:31 – Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
- Teach them How to Teach Others
Judges 2:10 – All that generation also were gathered to their fathers; and there arose another generation after them who did not know the Lord, nor yet the work which He had done for Israel.
Matt 28:19a-20a – Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations… teaching them to observe all that I commanded you…
- Teach them to Trust in God Rather than Themselves
Proverbs 3:5-7 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
Take Every Opportunity to Instruct Your Children.
- Take Advantage of Unplanned Opportunities
A difficult loss in a ball game.
Devastating news
Times when plans change
- Plan times to instruct our children.
Family worship
Prayer times in the car
Talking about God while you are driving.
Church and church activities
II. Discipline Your Child in the Lord
Instruction (this is the way you should go)
Discipline (this is the way you should not go)
So, from our text we turn our attention to this part.
Ephesians 6:4b – …bring [your children] up in the discipline… of the Lord.
Why do parents not discipline their kids?
I think one of the major reasons is because of a misunderstanding of discipline.
How do we use discipline effectively?
Why do we need to use discipline?
Understand Discipline Biblically
- God Disciplines Us
God disciplines those whom he loves.
How terrifying it would be to not have the discipline of God in your life!!!
Hebrews 12:5b-11 – My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; for those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives.” It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
God disciplines us because,…
ii. Discipline is loving.
Over time you need to correct the wrong behaviors of your child.
A child that grows up speaking disrespectfully to their parents needs to be disciplined to train them how to interact with people correctly.
A child that grows up ripping toys out of the hands of anyone who dares to touch their Legos needs to be disciplined to be able to function well in life.
- § Proverbs 13:24 – He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
We will spend some time in a minute talking about the ways to use this correction in a God-honoring way.
My dad used to say to me before applying the board of all wisdom to my seat of understanding.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
I used to think, well then let me apply the board of all wisdom to your seat of understanding, so I can get the full effects of this.
But in reality, I understand now what he is saying.
Discipline should not be fun. It is work and it is hard.
iii. Discipline Redirects a Child’s Path
In order to use discipline correctly it assumes that you yourself understand what the path you are trying to direct your kids to looks like.
If you showed up to a meeting with your nutritionist and they were polishing off a dozen donuts, you might wonder if they were the right nutritionist for you.
This assumes that if you are trying to lead your kids to follow the Lord that you yourself are following the Lord. Otherwise, do not be surprised when your kids call out your hypocrisy.
Every child needs discipline.
Proverbs 22:15 – Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.
Proverbs 23:13-14 – Do not hold back discipline from the child, although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol.
• Brent Aucoin, one of our pastors, talks about how discipline simply gives the child a sampling of the road they are choosing to walk down
• If Proverbs 23 is correct (and I would argue that it is), then where are they heading when they choose to disobey? (Sheol—destruction/hell)
Discipline provides a taste of the end of the road before they are too far along that path, in hopes that they’ll repent and turn towards Christ
No wonder the parent who withholds this from their child is described elsewhere as “unloving”
However, let me caution you here…
B. Practice Discipline Biblically
- God’s discipline is goal oriented not moment oriented.
All child abuse is moment oriented.
We want to move them towards Christ.
i. Utilize Self-Control
This is the fruit of the Spirit.
So, we need God to guide us in this.
- § James 1:20 – …the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
Discipline done in anger will not achieve the result desired.
You may need to step away and gather your composure before disciplining them.
Pray before you discipline.
Then…
ii. Carry it Out for the Right Purpose
Develop more.
Discipline because they have sinned against God, not inconvenienced you.
iii. Ensure It’s Motivated by Love
- § 1 Corinthians 16:14 – Let all that you do be done in love.
iv. Pair Discipline with Instruction
v. Maintain Consistency
Be consistent in (1) how you discipline, (2) when you discipline, and (3) who you discipline (*repeat)
C. Carry Out Discipline Lovingly
i. Parents are the primary disciplinarians
- Not other people
- o Coaches
- o Youth Pastors
- o Teachers
- o Sunday School servants
- o Grandparents
- o Etc.
ii. Communicate Expectations Beforehand
iii. Help the Child See the Correlation Between Cause and Effect.
iv. Pair Discipline with Reward
The family of robots, you would have thought they were in the army.
But the motivations were wrong.
And the kids struggled once there were no more rules and drill sergeants directly over them.
But in all seriousness, our parenting can’t be all sticks and no carrots
Good behavior and a choice to repent and please Christ should be met with reward
III. Practice Balanced Parenting
A. Understand the needs of your children
Here’s a helpful chart, outlining the most common trajectory of child-rearing
A big part of balance is avoiding the various pitfalls that we can so easily fall into as parents
If we’re putting them on a spectrum, you have “overbearing” on one side, and “complacent” on the other
B. Avoid the Pitfall of “Overbearing”
Develop “Is this how I would want my heavenly Father to treat me?
C. Avoid the Pitfall of “Complacent”
Don’t let a healthy aversion of overbearingness swing you towards complacency or neglecting your responsibility to discipline your child
This can even happen within a marriage, where one parent is always “good cop” and the other is always “bad cop”
That will naturally sow roots of bitterness within the marriage as well as the parent-child relationship
Don’t strive to be “good cop”, don’t strive to be “bad cop”—pursue balance as you point your child to Christ—regardless of how they may view you
And don’t be discouraged, brothers and sisters—Christ is gracious to the complacent and overbearing, alike
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