Raising Children in Loving Instruction and Discipline

Good morning and welcome back.

I pray that this week has been a growing week for all of the parents in the room and we began to take small steps towards choices and actions with a purpose to not provoke our children to anger.

• Have you committed to growing in living out God’s roles in marriage so that unity between Dad and Mom brings a more peaceful home

• Have you considered your words – am I provoking my child?

• Am I listening and communicating well?

• Am I being consistent in my parenting?

• Was there anywhere that you found that you needed to ask forgiveness and begin something new?

I am starting today by reviewing last week, because these two sermons go together as a part of our overall series on

STRENGTHENING UNITY IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS.

I do not know about all of you, but for me, simply hearing a sermon one time does not always result in change and the application of the biblical principles discussed…

The first time through, I might agree and feel convicted, but then when Monday comes around, do I take the steps to apply God’s Word…

If you have been listening to the past sermons and you walk away convicted…let me encourage something, particularly in this series…consider pulling your notes out from the past weeks…if you don’t have the notes, you can download them from the website or from the app…you may even want to go back and listen again…particularly if you missed any of the series…

Last week I referred to how God’s roles for the husband and wife impacted parenting…do you need to go back and listen again?

Did you miss last week? Do not provoke your children to anger? Consider listening to last week’s sermon later today to put together a fuller picture…

Because as we look at

Raising Children in Loving Instruction and Discipline

We know that Paul intended that to flow from the command to not provoke our children to anger…

I want to encourage us all to take in the fullness of God’s Word, putting it all together and not see each sermon as it’s own independent lesson…They are just better when they go together…

Today we will be staying with the same verse as last week, Ephesians 6:4, to complete the though by focusing now on the second half of the verse about instruction and discipline

If you will, open with me again to Ephesians chapter 6, though we might be able to quote the verse from memory, I believe that if we are going to explore it, we should open it up and read together the very word of God…

Again to remind us of the context – our parenting and our response to this command, they come in the context of a call to be imitators of God, as beloved children of God, thus we look to the attributes of our heavenly Father and

• we choose to be imitators of God our Father, Eph 5:1, in how we seek to be parents to our children

• we seek to let no one deceive us with empty words, Eph 5:6, for the empty advice of the world would point us to glorifying ourselves and not God

• we choose to be careful how we walk, Eph 5:15, that we might be wise and make the most of our time.

• And that God glorifying parenting builds upon a foundation of a God-pleasing marriage that reflects Christ…

And with that in mind – we receive God’s Word for Strengthening the unity of our family relationships…

READ EPH 6:1-4

With all of this in mind – Let’s take a look at

3 commands for parents raising children in the Lord

It is a positive command for parents to bring their children up in the discipline and instructions of the Lord.

Can we all agree that we all came into this world with no knowledge or understanding of anything…

We began to learn from the very first moments of life…As our eyes opened and we began to experience the world, we discovered that when we did certain things that all of those big people around us responded…

When I cried – somebody picked me up to sooth me…

When I was hungry, I cried some more and somehow Mom knew to feed me…

It went on and on…I cried and someone did something, but it wasn’t always what I wanted and it certainly was not as fast as I wanted…

I needed to train my parents…really…

Or in the real world – my parents began to teach me…first how to tell them what it was I wanted…then as I grew and could get into trouble for myself, they would teach me what to do, which way to go…they were instructing me in the very basics of life…

Very few things would I figure out how to respond well on my own…I needed their instruction…

The instruction that Paul is pointing us to is more than just the teaching of facts and figures, it is more than teaching knowledge, instead Paul is describing the teaching and guidance that will help our children to understand and follow specific principles or commandments, the teaching on the Word of God to develop right attitudes and right behaviors.

The first command for parents in raising their children in the Lord is to

I. Instruct your Child in the Lord

Eph 6:4 - Fathers, … bring them up in the … instruction of the Lord

When we look at this part of the command, we must see that it is all part of one command that has been given to Fathers.

We spoke last week that fathers are to bear the weight of training their children…Fathers, you are called to lead here

Mothers, God’s Word also calls you to be a part of the instruction, under the leadership of your husband, and recognizing that he will need your help…O Lord, we need our wives’ help…

So this is not a principle that parents can look at with the hope that somebody else will instruct them…

At the same time, we should not be naïve

If you’re not teaching them, someone else is

Our children are naturally inquisitive. They want to learn. They want to be instructed…

You might think I am going to go down the trail of social media and culture…I do want to touch on this…but I would not want us to think that our situation is unique and the bible does not speak to it…

Consider in 1 Peter the warning given to the church.

1 Pet 2:1 But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will also be false teachers among you, who will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing swift destruction upon themselves.

We must be cautious about this in the church.

And we must be aware of the false religions that are all around us in the world. They may not present themselves as a religion or a church…but the world views that flood our lives and the lives of our children are no less the idols of a false religion, a destructive belief system that denies God, or tries to change God into the image of mankind…

If we are not teaching our children that they are made in the image of God, our good and perfect Creator, it will be much easier for those who are teaching them, who are instructing them not in the Lord, but in the image of their idol…and Peter shows us where that ends up…bringing swift destruction upon themselves…

Fathers, Mothers, maybe you are the Grandparent raising a child…if God has placed you in that role…we must acknowledge the importance of being the one to instruct our children, that we are to instruct them in the Lord…because if we do not…who will? And if we do not instruct them in the Lord…what will they be instructed in?

Now as I said, this is not just about facts and figures…the key phrase I want us to focus on is “in the Lord.” What does it mean to bring them up in the instruction of the Lord?

It means a lot of things…

Biblical Instruction takes many forms

Many forms and a wide range of instruction…yet there are some things that are more important than others…

To build a good foundation, as parents, we should…

1. Teach them to love the Truth

Take a look at how David speaks of the word in Ps 119

97 O how I love Your law!

It is my meditation all the day.

As we teach them to love the Truth, it becomes their first refuge rather than their last resort

98 Your commandments make me wiser than my enemies,

For they are ever mine.

Would that be what we want, what our children want – wisdom, not to boast of, but wisdom that puts us in a better place…

99 I have more insight than all my teachers,

For Your testimonies are my meditation.

More insight than those who would push destructive heresies

100 I understand more than the aged,

Because I have observed Your precepts.

Age alone does not bring wisdom – it is the instructions and application of the truth

101 I have restrained my feet from every evil way,

That I may keep Your word.

102 I have not turned aside from Your ordinances,

For You Yourself have taught me.

Instruction in the Lord, teaching them to love the truth, helps our children to be on a right path

103 How sweet are Your words to my taste!

Yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

We find our satisfaction in the truth and when we are satisfied, we do not continue chasing after the things that cannot satisfy

104 From Your precepts I get understanding;

Therefore I hate every false way.

Bringing them up in the instruction of the Lord and teaching them to love the truth will set a foundation upon which the rest of our instruction can build…

As they learn to love the Truth, they will begin to see the Truth about God and we can

1. Teach them to love the Lord.

We can give them biblical commands and teach them about God as the Sovereign of the Universe and that we are under His authority,

We can share that God’s Word says

Deut 6:5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

but how will they learn to love the Lord? Why would they want to love the Lord?

Bringing them up, they have to see you loving the Lord.

• Do your children see you praising God both in the good days and in the trials?

• Do your children see you loving God and turning to Him when you have need?

• Do you talk about it? Or do we just hope they will catch it?

• We need to teach them

Do your children understand how much God loves them?

Not just because you taught then “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.”

But from an early age, do they hear the gospel in your home?

Do they see the gospel impacting you and your home?

• You are going to have to start with some hard things here too.

• You have to humbly show your kids that you are a sinner, and that when you came to understand what that meant, you saw that you did not love God, in fact you rejected God…

• But then you realized, that your sin was separating you from God, and there was nothing you could do about that…you could not fix that…and it is the same for your child…

Eph 2:4-5 But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),

• But God loved us with His great love, and He made a way, on the cross, he died that we might live…

• And By Grace, through Faith – When we profess Jesus as Lord and believe that God raised Him from the dead, we are saved through His great love

Then after we teach them to Love God…teach them, show them what it means to respond…

John 14:15 - If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.

And by teaching them to keep God’s commands, you will also

1. Teach them to live like Christ

And the gospel will flow through this teaching as well, because Jesus did not come to this earth to live a sinless life as an example for us to follow…he knows that we are incapable of living like him perfectly.

We must teach our children that Jesus lived a perfect life, first.

• To please His father, by living according to His Father’s will

• And to glorify His Father, because it is only through His sinless life, that it was possible for Jesus to take our sin and pay our penalty, perfectly to satisfy the father…

So we choose to live like Christ not because we want to earn or repay anything, but because it shows that we want to please God the Father and live according to His will, and to know that ultimately, God’s will for those who he foreknew and predestined, was that we would be confirmed to the image of His Son

We bring them up and teach our children what it means to live for Christ, because of how Christ chose to live, and ultimately to die for us…

In these things, because god’s greatest glory came through His son, as we teach them to live like Christ, we will also

1. Teach them to glorify God

When the church at Corinth has many problems and questions about what they should do, choices they should make, Paul taught a simple truth, about our purpose and our motivation in all things…after addressing a question about meat sacrificed to idols, Paul pauses to say, that the same motivation should apply to far more than just this one decision

1 Cor 10:31Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

As we teach our children, we should teach the heart needed behind all decisions, not just the specifics, but whatever you do…

As we instruct our children

• How will you respond when your brother or sister treats you poorly – get even? Or glorify God?

• How will I choose to do my homework? Do the minimum? Or glorify God?

• What will I do after dinner? Dissappear to play the games I want? Or ask mom how I can help clean up, to glorify God.

Even though my child is made in the image of God, made to worship God, it is not their natural instinct…whether you eat or drink, whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Teach them to glorify God

• First by your example. Talk about the choices you made and why you believe that glorified God

• Then help them to think through their options, in every day situations,

• bring them up in the Lord and teach them to glorify God.

Then…

1. Teach them how to teach others

As you have taught them to love the Lord, His Word, to live like Christ and to glorify God…

Teach them to have a heart for their neighbors, their friends, their brothers and sisters even…

Because none of what you are teaching is meant to be just for ourselves…

In the same way that they needed the gospel, teach them that God has and will uniquely place them with opportunities to recognize another’s need and share what you have taught them…

Do you children also know that they are a part of God’s mission and plan…that they too have been commanded to

Matt 28:19-20 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

When our children become followers of Christ, they too are called to carry on and share the good news…

But again – We must teach them, not just in words, but in our actions, in our example that they would see that

Rom 1:16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.

And in our examples, can we take them with us.

• Parents, do you take your children along with you when you serve? When you choose to share the gospel?

• As your kids grow and they are ready…

• For kids of all ages, Can you serve together in the Living Nativity – to share the gospel?

• When they become teens, Can you teach them how to teach others by serving together in VBS? Or Children’s ministry?

• Or what about showing them needs outside the church…How about taking your kids to serve breakfast to the Homeless on a Saturday morning? Or on Thanksgiving?

And in all of your teaching

1. teach them to trust in God rather than themselves

I believe all of us would agree that if there are things from our lives that we would want to teach our children, that there would be a common thread woven through all of them that for the things from our past that we want the kids to avoid…they would be choices or actions that we trusted in ourselves or we trusted in someone other than the Lord.

Teach then to go to the Lord for understanding and for wisdom

Teach them to pray similar to David in Psalm 139

Ps 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

We can teach our children to trust God in that he is the only one who truly knows them and he is the one with the words of eternal life.

Then I can’t speak for you, but I needed a lot of teaching

therefore

Take every opportunity to instruct your children

1. Take advantage of unplanned opportunities

When your children are with you and you see an opportunity and make a conscious choice to glorify God…teach you children by sharing your thinking, help them consider what they might have done and boith give them instruction as well as praise them as you see their heart tourned towards the Lord.

Or it may be something happening with your child and you can help them to think about their response to see how they might trust in the Lord rather than themselves…

But I would also encourage us not to just wait for things to happen, instead…

1. Plan times to instruct your children

In your home with family worship…lovingly talkling about their days and using those opportunities to create discussion, or how about after Sunday Worship, over lunch, you are talking about the Sermon, what it means and how to apply it, or as a part of Wednesday Night Kids of Faith…

Bring them up in the instruction of the Lord, planned, intentionally and responsively…

If you do not teach them…someone else will…

Then – let’s switch the words out…

Discipline your Child in the Lord

Eph 6:4 - Fathers, … bring them up in the discipline … of the Lord

First, discipline has to be much more than just the consequences of bad behaviors…We love our children when we discipline diligently.

Paul’s meaning for discipline is centered on the correction of what is sinful or foolish and the practice of what is right. When we discipline our children, it must also include the correction so that they might grow.

You will notice that I connect the phrase of the Lord to both discipline and instruction. I believe that is the meaning of the text. To interpret it otherwise leaves the opening that the discipline might come from me and my standards…but Paul is telling us that both discipline and instruction should be “of the Lord.”

Then so that we do not make it about our own discipline, my way of the hiway…we need to

Understand discipline biblically

Because it really does come from the “High Way” – His Thoughts are higher than my thoughts, His ways higher than my ways.

Thus we should begin looking at god’s Ways, because…

1. God disciplines us

In Hebrews chapter 12, it describes a Father’s discipline acknowledging that

• We have not truly resisted the sin in our lives, we regard it too lightly and think too little of it…

• And the author compares the discipline of our earthly fathers with that of God to show God’s purpose in discipline

Heb 12:10 For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.

Biblical Discpline begins with God that we might know that it is for our good, that we might grow, that we might be holy. It echoes Rom 8:29 that He is confirming us to the image of His Son…

And because it begins with God, we can also know that…

1. discipline is loving

You may recall the proverb I referenced earlier

Prov 13:24 He who withholds his rod hates his son,
But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.

When we have a choice to make about whether or not to discipline our child…

We may ask ourselves if it is loving to give them a consequence, to hold them accountable…

But consider, is that really the decisions you are making…loving or unloving…or is it about what may make you uncomfortable, or simply that it will be harder on you to discipline than to overllook the offense…

Biblical discipline is loving and yes, sometimes that means it is also harder and possibly uncomfortable for the parent…

1. Discipline redirects a child’s path

Often in counseling, we will talk about a truth that comes from Proverbs described as the Principle of the path. I do not have time to fully develop it, but simply, we can make our choices about what direction we are traveling on a path, but we cannot change the destination the path will take us to…

As such, discipline is intended to redirect us on our path towards a destination of blessing and salvation, as compared to one of destruction…

Our sin and foolishness lead to destruction, and sometimes we need to give them a taste of the path that they are on, but ultimately, we want to redirect…

Prov 23:13 Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.

We need to ask ourselves – even though I may not desire to discipline my child for their sake or my own, but what I know…under my discipline, they will not die…under their own foolishness

Prov 10:8 The wise of heart will receive commands, But a babbling fool will be ruined.

Understanding that this is not where we would want to leave our children, as parents we must then also learn how to

Practice discipline biblically

As such there are several very practical applications that we can bring into our discipline…

First,

1. Utilize self-control

In the moment we recognize the need to discipline our child, we must slow down enough to make God pleasing decisions and not be beholden to our emotions…

It begins simply by not making assumptions of complete or accurate understanding of what is happening…though we want to jump right in, we must choose…

James 1:19-20 This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

My beloved brethren – remember who you are and who you reflect in Christ. And if that was not enough, this command applies to everyone…

• Be quick to listen – for you may not know everything…listen first, then ask questions…yes you will have to decide if you believe your child, but at least start with that possibility.

• Be slow to speak – thoughtful words that do not provoke or tear down

• And then slow to anger – it does not say do not be angry, but be slow to anger

• For our discipline should be to bring about the righteousness of God

Or in other words…

1. Carry it out for the right purpose

Remember our goal of instruction – to bring glory to God…Paul gave us the same principle in 2 Corinthians as well when he said

2 Cor 5:9 - …we make it our ambition to be pleasing to God

Our goal in disciplining our child should be to please God and bring him glory as compared to my hearts desire when I fail to use self-control…for then it is about my justification and a retribution for how my child’s actions have disrespected me, made me look in front of others or simply how they inconvenienced me…

When we discipline – we must ensure that it is for the right purpose

1. Ensure it’s motivated by love

1 Cor 16:14 Let all that you do be done in love

The Lord has shown compassion on us all. If we are to reflect the image of our heavenly Father, we too must show compassion and love to our sons and daughters as we brig them up in the discipline of the Lord…

Though it is typically the last think on my mind in a time I am choosing to discipline one of my children, Another practical step that flows right from this text is that we should…

1. Pair discipline with instruction

Eph 6:4 – bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord

Let’s use an example for this one…

Your 6 year old gets out of the car at Walmart and bolts, you call out to them so that they can clearly hear you…Stop, do not go into the parking lot without me. You believe they heard you because they paused and looked, and then ran right in front of a car. Praise the Lord the car stops quickly, your heart stops as well and you scoop the child back into your arms…

You utilize self-control and choose not to discipline in the parking lot in front of everyone. You choose to end the shopping trip and return home to discipline them.

You carry out the consequence with your child during with time you give thanks for god’s protection… then you look at them with the words we have all uttered…

Don’t ever scare me like that again….

Discipline happened, it was controlled, it was purposeful, and it was loving…

But it is incomplete – because it did not include instruction…

Now we must teach them a better response…and even better, we still had shopping to do anyway, we go back to Walmart, we discuss a better response and give them the chance to do it again, this time to please God.

Pair your discipline with instruction and

1. Maintain consistency

This begins back at marital unity. Dad and Mom need to be consistent with one another…Our children should see us on the same page…

Then we need to be consistent about what we discipline for…it would be provoking our children to anger if on one day they are disciplined for the clothes on the floor because Mom was just so frustrated, but she has walked past them for the previous week…

And what about between multiple children? Discipline should be consistent between children of similar ages and similar situations…but this also means why you may need to communicate why things are different between siblings…

and when we practice biblical discipline, we want to…

Carry out discipline lovingly

First our children need to understand that discipline comes from a position of authority, an authority that has been delegated from God our Father. As Parents, there may be specific instances where you may delegate that authority for discipline in a narrow sense, but it is most loving when we understand that

1. Parents are the primary disciplinarians

Yes, there are many situations where your children are outside your view and you will allow another to take a limited role in discipline…

• At School, there would be an agreed upon scope of discipline that the teachers will carry out at the school, but ultimately, Parents, we want our teachers to commiunicate with us so that we can support them and carry out our God-given role to discipline and instruct our children. This may be similar wit coaches…

• But what about at church? Where the time is more limited and your proximity allows another to be able to bring an issue to your attention, we can support Sunday School teachers or others by coming alongside them, but that we would remain the primary disciplinarian.

• We want to teach our children to be respectful and obedient under the care of whomever we entrust them to, but they should also know that they remain accountable to their parents.

As our kids grow, you may find that there are so many situations, you become challenged to know how this will work at church, school, sports, or at friends houses etc.

Again from last week, we will help our children as well as those we partner with if we

1. Communicate expectations beforehand

Sometimes these will be longer discussions at home based on experience and other times it will be a short eye to eye conversation so that you can know that they have heard you.

There may be times that you would need to choose to not carry out a discipline because you recognize that you had not given the child clear direction.

And then when discipline is needed…

1. Help the child see the correlation between cause and effect

One discipline does not fit all…

Parents, as you seek to discipline in a loving manner, consider how the consequence fits the action.

If the actions were destructive, does the discipline seek to restore?

If the actions were unloving – how does the consequence begin to teach them how to love well.

Again – thoughtful discussion between parents will be more effective than developing new discipline responses in the moment.

Lastly, one we rarely thing of…

1. Pair discipline with reward

When God communicated with Israel that he was their primary , ok only, disciplinarian, he communicated beforehand the cause and effect to include first the blessings of obedience, before spelling out the consequences of disobedience.

We would do well with our children to look for opportunities and consistently reward their actions where a different choice would have brought discipline…

And our final command today is simply…

III. Practice Balanced Parenting

And when I say practice, I do not mean – just do it…

I mean practice – just as you when you practice other things…consider what you have done in the past, evaluate it against God’s word and then continue to work to grow in following God in your parenting…

Balanced parenting understands that parenting does not stay the same for all time…as our children grow and change, so will our parenting…

We need to…

Understand the needs of your children

It is very easy to see that a toddler is different from a teenager and we should have different expectations of them, but that also means that they should expect something different from us…

[Insert the “Bring Them Up” diagram from BCTC lectures]

Just consider, when a child is young, they need far more correction and direction, but as they grow, the relationship changes, you can allow them to make mistakes and bear the consequences as learning opportunities and along with that discipline should grow and change.

But the goal always remains the same – bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord…we just have to choose how much discipline and how much instruction is needed

Because sometimes, we, parents can be too much…we ned to

Avoid the pitfall of “overbearing”

Peter O’Brien describes it this way…

In contrast to the norms of the day, Paul wants Christian fathers to be gentle, patient educators of their children, whose chief ‘weapon’ is Christian instruction focussed on loyalty to Christ as Lord. Christian fathers were to be different from those of their surrounding society.

When our children think of our discipline…is it simply the waiting for the hammer to come down, or do they see loving biblical discipline that is being carried out for their good…

Avoid the pitfall of “complacent”

The Christian parent must also avoid the ditch that overlooks a child’s offenses because we either do not want to deal with them, or we want them to like us more than we want to please God

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Parents – we must keep our eyes upon the Lord, choose to be pleasing to Him and walk in a way that passes this onto the next generation. Biblical discipline and instruction is a contagious action and as we help our children to see the beauty of the gospel played out in their lives through biblical discipline, we can Trust the Lord that the joy that comes from it will be passed on from generation to generation.