The Father’s Role

Good morning and Happy Father’s Day. I know that some of you are rejoicing today.

• Your family will take you to your favorite restaurant or make a favorite meal. Praise Jesus. Enjoy every bite.

• Others, however, find today challenging. Maybe a father died, a father who was difficult, or you want to be a father but that dream has not come true. We care about you and your pain today and have been in our prayers prior to this morning.

We decided that we wanted to speak directly to fathers … primarily with children in the home … this morning. That tempts women, children, men who raised their children, and men who do not have children to tune out – to say that this message is not for me.

But please hear me. You are an influencer of the people around you.

• Children, you must decide if you will follow a dad like this.

• Wives, do you want your man acting like this?

• Men who have raised children, will you encourage your sons to be like this?

• This message is for all of us.

Please turn in your bibles to Ephesians 6:4 on page 153 in the back section under the bible of the chair in front of you.

• I want you to know that I am speaking on this subject because it is taught in the Bible.

• I am not the perfect illustration.

• I need the Lord and his grace every bit as much as you. If my wife or children were honest, then they could tell you I have not obeyed this passage perfectly.

• Like you, I am a mixed bag of obedience and rebellion … living dependently and pridefully … trusting and worrying. We are, in short, in this together.

We are talking about “The Father’s Role” and we will consider two actions a Father must take to love and raise his children.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Notice that Fathers are commanded… John MacArthur argues that the term for fathers in v. 4 is equivalent to the term used in v. 1 for parents. For stylistic reasons Paul uses the masculine term later.

• While that argument might work in some passages, I have never been persuaded that it is correct here.

• I think God meant fathers not because mothers have nothing to do with discipline and instruction, but because fathers are primarily responsible.

This verse was given for us dads.

I. Bring up your children in the disciple and instruction of the Lord.

The command is not just to bring up children…

• Raise them, feed them, and keep them alive until adulthood …

• That is exactly how some men handle the teenage years. Survive. They move out soon!

• That is not the picture given in this text.

Christian men, you are to bring up your children … in the LORD.

• You might teach them to crawl, walk, throw a ball, do algebra, play guitar, do woodworking, work hard, hunt, fish, but what sets you apart is that your are doing so in the LORD.

Everything about your parenting is different because it is governed by your knowledge and relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Notice … we start with a negative command

A. Do not infuriate them

“do not provoke your children to anger”

This verse is not saying that a child will never be angry if you are a godly father … If you are being godly then you will stand against their idolatry and they might be angry.

This issue is about you, dads. Have you noticed that husbands must live with their wives according to knowledge but women are not? Why not? Because you are tempted to use your leadership position to trounce all over her. The warning here is similar.

One of your temptations, as a man, is to use your size, strength, and position to provoke your children to anger … to goad them … to make life hard for them and then dare them to do something about it.

Paul says something similar in Colossians 3:21…when he writes…

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” Col. 3:21

Apparently, this is a big issue for us. Lou Priolo has been part of the biblical counseling movement for decades. He wrote a book called – Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo

Chapter 2 is “A Checklist of 25 Ways Parents Provoke Their Children to Anger.” That chapter is worth the price of the book. It is one of those chapters that fathers should read every couple years.

Here are a few on his list:

• Lack of marital harmony … children want to see their fathers love their mothers. It provides safety and security inside the home. When children see their fathers mistreat their moms, they want to defend their mother. They are too small to fight so they get angry instead.

• Modeling sinful anger … that seems obvious. If dad blows a head gasket because little Johnny missed a homework assignment, then little Johnny might blow a head gasket too. Telling a child to do what I say and not what I do can provoke to anger.

• Establishing/maintaining a child-centered home … this sounds counter intuitive. But the reality is that children who become the center of attention become angry. They believe the world revolves around them until it doesn’t and then people feel their wrath.

• Not admitting when you are wrong … children can spot hypocrisy a mile a way in dad, even if they cannot see it right in front of their own face.

• Being inconsistent with discipline … a father who disciplines based on his mood will provoke his children. They do not know what to expect. Is it fun and good mood dad or is it get out of the house and leave him alone dad?

• Showing favoritism … It is not difficult to see that if dad views one of his children as more valuable or important than another, that provoking is not far behind.

• Controlling and overbearing behavior … this is especially dangerous as children get older. Fathers who parent a 16 year old like a 6 year old provoke their children and often wonder why they have a war on their hands.

I am not going to honor the Lord with my parenting if I am provoking my child. Frankly, in many situations, the child is not the problem. It is the adults … the fathers.

As a leader in our counseling ministry for the last 16 I have read many intake forms.

• It is not uncommon to have parents request counseling for their 7 year old. Some, to be sure, have experienced horrific things and it is not surprising that they would want help.

• But there are others where the parents seem to want to drop their child off and have us call them when the child is ready … when in fact, dad is the primary problem!

Dads, these are hard words. I know. They cause us to do honest evaluation because we are guilty of many of them. But they are good words. They are words that we need to hear. We need to humble ourselves. Let the Word and Spirit work in our hearts. Let’s change first and show our sons and daughters a changed life.

If God is convicting you this morning, then confess your sin to Him. Acknowledge your need for forgiveness and the mercy of Christ, and then

• Confess your sin to your wife and children for specific ways you have provoked anger.

• Take steps to follow the Lord … if you need help thinking through it, let one of your pastors know. We would be happy to discuss it with you.

This could be your best father’s day ever.

Instead of provoking …

B. Nurture

“bring them up”

The idea is nourishing and nurturing growth for maturity. Bringing them up reminds us that God designed fathers to be that nurturing force … not that you give them everything they need --- there are only some needs God can fulfill. But he entrusts them to you to provide what you were designed to give them. A nurturing home.

• A place of safety, security, a place where their character is developed and honed.

• A place where even Dads know how to give affection.

• Fathers, we may never be the location where our children come after they are hurt, or sick. They want their momma.

• But that does not mean we have to be aloof or feelingless.

Let’s move on …

C. Discipline and instruction of the Lord

“in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”

This is your privilege Fathers bring up children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord so that they may know God and his ways. You are uniquely charged with this role and responsibility.

• It’s not school teachers, coaches, friends, parents of friends, or even pastors who are responsible. Each of these people are helpers in your task of training.

Discipline implies overall training of the children and includes physical discipline and correction.

Instruction especially has the sense of verbal correction or admonishment.

As parents we can easily be led to think that if something is unpleasant to my child or makes them cry and unhappy, then it can’t be loving. That’s not what God says.

God trains us in Hebrews 12…

“and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, Nor faint when you are reproved by Him; For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives.” It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

Hebrews 12:5-11

Discipline and instruction show love…Those whom the Lord loves he disciplines. Yet, all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful.

• I act like my heavenly father that I might help my children enjoy the blessings that discipline produces.

• Parents who do not discipline cripple their children for life because they have not learned the skill of using discipline to grow.

Fathers, you are responsible for discipline and instruction. This is hard work. Consider all that is involved in the process.

• I have to love and care about you enough to take notice of you and what you are saying, doing, wanting.

• I have to value your wellbeing so much that I then give thought about this concern and where it leads and come to the conclusion this is not for your good so I must act to help.

• Then I value our relationship at such a high priority as a Father that I put aside other responsibilities and time the Lord gives me, to have focused intentional time with you. In this moment, nothing matters more to me than glorifying God and disciplining and instructing you in his ways. Work is not as important, my comfort and ease is not as important, my wants are not as important…

• I have to take the time to ask questions, understand what happened, and why my child said that or did that it shows even to young children who can’t even speak or talk yet…“I care and I am concerned.”

• Then I have the joy to teach my child the beauty of God’s ways, to teach him what God’s word says about that, what consequences come and correct them for their wellbeing.

• This may be providing a natural consequence or physical discipline as corrective discipline.

• Then I get the opportunity to teach them about the gospel why we need Christ, his forgiveness, and grace in their life to change and help them grow.

• I get to tell the story of how I had to learn the same lesson or share a time where I struggled with a similar sin as they are common.

• Then I get to express my love for them, comfort them, and desire to forgive them.

• Then I get to model for them and with them how much better God’s ways are and the fruit of living for him.

• Then I get to praise and encourage them for listening to my instruction and seeking to obey and show them how much better it goes for them.

• Then I get to pray that God would allow the instruction and discipline I provided to take root in their heart that they would be saved, love God, and desire to obey him from the heart to bring glory to Jesus.

Let me ask you…who is going to do that for your child? No one will do that. Many will do certain elements of what I just described, but no one is doing all this.

• That’s our joy and privilege as Fathers…

i. Teach regularly about the glory of God, his ways, and the blessings for obedience

^“These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” Deuteronomy 6:6-9

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3

I am teaching you how it can go well for you.

ii. Model an example of Christlikeness

“Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:1

iii. Instruct about sinful behavior and why its sinful

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. “You shall have no other gods before Me.” Exodus 20:2-3

It is hard to get to the heart. The mouth speaks from that which fills the heart. The words are easy to identify, the heart behind it takes work. Few adults understand their heart. I think part of the reason is that their daddy did not teach them when they were younger.

iv. Illustrate and explain negative consequences of sin

“For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol; she does not ponder the path of life; her ways wander, and she does not know it.” Proverbs 5:3-6

Sin never presents itself as “come hang out with me and I will crush you! I will sap your strength and get you to the point that you wish you were dead.” It says, “come hang out with me and it will be awesome.” You, fathers, point out the lie.

v. Give clear warnings for corrective discipline

“Do not enter the path of the wicked
And do not proceed in the way of evil men.
Avoid it, do not pass by it;
Turn away from it and pass on.
For they cannot sleep unless they do evil;
And they are robbed of sleep unless they make someone stumble.”

Proverbs 4:14-16

The warnings will change as your children age and mature. What starts with a rather small consequence can eventually turn quite devastating and live altering.

vi. Be diligent to enforce physical discipline and other consequences

“He who withholds his rod hates his son,
But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”

Proverbs 13:24

“Discipline your son while there is hope,
And do not desire his death.” Proverbs 19:18

“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.”

Proverbs 22:15

“The rod and reproof give wisdom,
But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.” Proverbs 29:15

We cannot ignore how much emphasis that God places on the importance of loving physical training and discipline for nurturing and raising our children.

• “The rod” is used often throughout Proverbs and through the history of God’s interaction with his people, physical unpleasantness is often a means that God lovingly uses to discipline his people so that they listen and heed his words.

• For those struggling with discipline. Let me encourage you that the discipline you give is light and momentary. The consequences of a reckless life are much worse.

• Being wild and crazy at 7 might be running through the house at inappropriate times or throwing things that breaks something else. At 17 being wild and crazy is driving a car at 100 mph. On occasion, they lose control and someone is seriously injured or killed.

• Wanting to kiss girls at 8 and have boyfriends and girlfriends at 10 creates a little friend drama. If those goals and ideas are not checked, then at 18 very different consequences happen.

• Frankly, your discipline is far easier than the natural consequences of being foolish let alone the spiritual consequences of being far from God.

These ideas are why we have taught the chart for so long …

You only have so much time to influence your children for the cause of Christ. You only have so much time to warn them and correct them, to teach them, and to discipline them.

• This graph reminds us that we need to be done with most discipline by the time they are 10. We have many things to teach about in their later teen years.

• My experience as a father is that children require more time as they get older, not less. Yes, we rejoiced when they were out of diapers, threw a party in our hearts when they could take a bath on their own, and danced for joy when they could dress and pack their bag for school.

• But those things were relatively easy.

• The harder things have been dealing with a bully, struggling with worry and anxiety, helping them suffer when there has been pain in relationships, learning to call a girl’s father, wrestling with hard “why” questions about God, talking about what it would mean to care for your mom in the event of my death, learning to be prepared so you are less gullible when making a major purchase, talking about giving joyfully, understanding taxes and how to pay them, explaining the purpose of insurance, watching them exercise their liberty against the ways I like to exercise mine, and thinking about one’s life calling.

• Taking a bath was 20 minutes of near brainless activity. The other subjects were hours that prolonged over weeks.

Fathers, I hope you are thinking two things. (1) Praise the Lord for the opportunity. [Caleb and Josiah from my personal devotions if time] (2) I cannot do this on my own. Both are appropriate, but remember this is all possible because of Christ. So, …

II. Trust the Lord and the resources he provides so you can raise your children.

God does not ask us to do something without empowering us with the resources he knows we need to fulfill our responsibility well.

Parenting is tough at times, sometimes it feels like you are hitting your head on pavement…but God will sustain us for the long haul. It is not easy, but he will give us what we need to accomplish his will. In fact, some of it he has already done …

There is a reason why Paul begins the first half of this letter in prayer and praise for God’s work and reminding us that holy living and living our new life in Christ is only possible by being “in Christ,” united with our Savior, Jesus Christ, by faith.

You have the resources to bring up your children because…

A. You are reconciled with God

Jesus reconciled you by his kindness for a purpose…to do good works and glorify Christ.

^“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” Ephesians 2:8-9

Christian Father, you were saved that you might bring glory to Jesus by raising your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. This is one of the works he has prepared in advance for you to do, so you can do it!

If you are reconciled by the mercy and work of Jesus Christ through his death and resurrection you have personally experienced the Lord’s discipline and instruction.

For those in Christ…you have a personal relationship with the Father of every human being on earth…you have intimate knowledge and insight into his ways, his will, his character.

• Do you think God knows how to deal with disobedient children?

• Do you think God knows how to bless and reward with good gifts?

• Do you think God knows how to instruct and model what we ought to do?

God gives you direct access to him, his wisdom, his knowledge, his character, his goals, desires and plan in prayer and through his word.

You may say what does forgiving my children look like…”as God in Christ forgives you”

“What does loving my children when they sin look like…”as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us”

What does providing for my children look like…”As Christ who was rich, for your sake became poor, that you might become rich”

Everything you apply in your parenting is shaped by your growing personal relationship with Christ, so as you personally grow in your relationship with Christ being disciplined and instructed personally by his word, you will grow in becoming a better parent and knowing how to discipline and instruct your children in the Lord.

Also, you have the resource that…

B. You have peace with one another

You are not alone in the parenting task, and not everyone is against you either.

In the local church you are surrounded by people committed to loving you and helping you grow in Christ and becoming a more Christlike parent.

Jesus breaks down barriers between sinful people and unites them together so that we can grow and mature together.

“For He Himself is our peace, who made both groups into one and broke down the barrier of the dividing wall, by abolishing in His flesh the enmity, which is the Law of commandments contained in ordinances, so that in Himself He might make the two into one new man, thus establishing peace, and might reconcile them both in one body to God through the cross, by it having put to death the enmity. And He came and preached peace to you who were far away, and peace to those who were near; for through Him we both have our access in one Spirit to the Father.” Ephesians 2:14-18

So as children grow in their faith and parents grow in their faith, Jesus brings greater unity and peace in your relationships. As I mentioned earlier…you are now surrounded by people who want to speak the truth in love, who are equipped by God such as pastors and leaders, for your maturing and for your children’s maturing.

• Are you making use of the resources in the local church and the relationships in the church to grow and mature as a Father?

• Men of Faith, Point Man Groups, Counseling, Small groups.

So not only are you reconciled with the Lord, having experienced his discipline and instruction…you also have reconciled relationships with others in the church and experience Christians helping mature one another…Also,

C. You are strengthened by the Lord

i. through your identity

Knowing your identity strengthens you as a parent.

Your identity helps you know who you are and your purpose as a parent. This informs how you think, desire, and act. It guards you against unbiblical models pushed by society …

Remembering your identity “In Christ” also guards against what you tell yourself as a parent.

• I saw a Facebook post that said something like, “when you are with other people, guard what you say, and when you are alone, guard what you think.”

Fathers, I do not have time to fully unpack all the blessings you have in Christ … but you have every spiritual blessing in Christ … you are holy and blameless in his sight … you have been redeemed and forgiven … and you have an inheritance in heaven.

I know that parenting is hard. What I say today is something I have had to say to myself for many years and what I needed to hear this week.

• But God has given us what we need for our task even when it seems like we are failing or when we see different results than we would like.

It may be that you are here and you do not have a personal relationship with Jesus.

• If that is the case, then what we spoke about today is impossible.

• Your first step is trusting in the finished work of Christ for your salvation because you have offended and rebelled against God.

Ladies, you may be married to a man who is seeking to live this way and bring up your children in the Lord.

• If you are, I hope you are thankful and that you are faithful to support, encourage, and help your husband in this role.

• If you are struggling because that is not the kind of man you have, then keep praying, keeping living for Jesus and ask the Lord to cover any deficiencies that might exist.

Remember men that the Lord intends to strengthen you through your identity. But there is something else … The prayers in Ephesians focus on God’s power working through his Spirit in our inner man.

Our task is not done through our own strength but …

ii. through the Spirit’s power

^“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know…what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.” Ephesians 1:18-19

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man” Ephesians 3:14-16

Lastly, fathers you also have the resource of God’s word.

D. You have God’s word for training

Paul would write to Timothy a young pastor and remind him how God’s word was sufficient to train and bring him up from a young age into a mature man.

“and that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:15-17

Notice all the purposes that God’s word addresses under discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Teaching, reproof, correction, training…for the purpose that children and adults can be “brought up” nurtured into a mature and equipped Christian.

Fathers, we are praying for you. We want you to take up the task with vigor and courage.

• Yes, days will be hard and we will feel like a failure at certain moments. But we trust in the Lord to strengthen us, to give us courage, and we fight for the hearts of our children.

• We fight against the world, we fight against Satan and his host, we fight against the sinful desires of their hearts and we point them to the glory of Jesus.

We believe if the men will stand up, then our church can be full of families who know the Lord and are raising their children to be faithful followers of Jesus.