The Father’s Role

We are going to take a break from our series in John this Sunday to give focused attention toward fatherhood and the task of being a Father, so please turn in your bibles to Ephesians 6:4 on page 153 in the back section under the bible of the chair in front of you.

We will be focusing on God’s command to Fathers in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, and to understand the meaning of God’s word for us we have to start with the context of the whole book and the context of the verse we are focused on. There is always risk in just taking one verse and deciding it’s meaning if we seek to understand why placed that verse right where He did and what surrounds it.

Ephesians 6:4 falls right in the portion of the letter detailing the commands regarding relationships, wives and husbands, children towards parents and then Father towards their children. All of these relationships are only discussed after an in depth look at our personal relationship with Christ. And all of that follows a reminder of the truths about what our relationship our Savior. One way of breaking down this book is to see Chapters 1 through 3 as the Truths about Who we are in Christ and then Chapters 4 through 6 help us to see how we are called to respond and in this one small verse, there is great depth to help us, men, as fathers to respond in our role in our families.

Therefore, this morning we will talk about “The Father’s Role” in God’s plan for the family and we will consider two actions a Father must take to love and raise his children.

Let’s begin with a bit of a running start to help us find the context for today’s verse.

Starting in 5:1 - Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; ² and walk in love, just as Christ also loved ^[a]you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God ^[b]as a fragrant aroma.

Men that is the initial picture that we are being called to emulate – First we are to be Imitators of God – so how do we do that? As individuals, Paul shows us in verses 3 through 20, guiding us on our personal walk to walk as children of the Light, verse 8, and to learn what is pleasing to the Lord, verse 10 and a call to be careful how we walk, not as unwise but as wise in verse 15 and reminding us in verse 20-21 to give thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Paul them speak to the role of the wife and commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church, that is that we are called to be sacrificial in our love that we might be imitators of God just as the Son of God sacrificed everything by dying on the cross.

As chapter 6 begins, Paul reminds children to obey their parents in the Lord that they might receive the blessing of obeying the Lord, but then we ask ourselves – how will they learn to do that? – Somebody has to teach them. And that responsibility falls to the father.

Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Dads – that’s our command, that’s the first action a Father must take to love and raise his children.

I. Bring up your children in the disciple and instruction of the Lord.

Now let’s not let this task be minimized by quickly jumping to the conclusion that I already do that – No we have to make sure we are looking at the whole command – this is not just about providing for our kids so that they can grow up, go to school and at 18 we release them out into the world – fly my little children, fly or die…

The world acknowledges the need for someone to provide and protect children while they are young so that they grow in their youth, but the world does not truly understand the importance of the Father in his children’s lives.

What sets the Christian father apart is when he follows God’s command and the ways that God helps him to do so – you see

• You don’t bring children up in the discipline and instruction of athletics.
  • Praise the Lord you don’t have to be a great athlete to be a faithful father
• You don’t bring children up in the discipline and instruction of STEM fields.
  • Praise God I don’t have to be an expert programmer to be godly father
• You don’t bring children up in the discipline and instruction of our culture.
  • Praise the Lord I don’t have to be on social media, or know the newest songs, or be aware of every cultural shift or idea to be a good father

Of course, as parents we instruct our children in how to be involved and interact with these things, but what is most central is the Lord.

God wants us each to grow in our roles as fathers, mothers you can learn in this too, but to learn we need to take the time to unpack the parts of this command

Sometimes, we see this and we can eagerly go after things just by saying great – just tell me what to do, but Paul starts with the opposite – He starts with “don’t” because of the significant roadblock that we can put in front of our children

Bringing up your children in the Lord means

A. Do not infuriate them

“do not provoke your children to anger”

So when you first read that, you probably responded one of two ways. Either, “I would never do that…” or “You have got to be kidding me, is God saying I am supposed to never let my child get angry?? Have you seen my child?

Both of those responses are off the mark – the first just ignores the fact that I might contribute to my child’s sin and the second wants to deflect responsibility by changing it to “Fathers don’t let your child be angry” which is something we cannot control

God’s command for you here focuses on your role. Fathers, do not provoke…that is something that each of us can control, something that we can change with God’s help because it is focused on the Father’s actions and not the child’s response.

So what does it mean to “not provoke your children to anger”?

Let’s also acknowledge that this verse is not promising that if you choose to act as a godly father that your children will never get angry – it is simply the command that we area not the one who is to provoke them to anger.

What does that look like…

Think of it this way – everyone of us, our children included are born sinners, so somewhere in our hearts there are embers of anger – a little sinful anger, bitterness, resentment that comes because they want what they want and they did not get it – it is kind of like those small flames at the bottom of a campfire that has begun to die down.

Fathers we care called to not provoke our children to anger or in others words, we are called to not throw gasoline on that fire because when you do, we all know what happens – everybody gets burned by the raging fire that comes from the provocation.

Sometimes it is not that evident because the explosion is not immediate, but we can still be placing kindling on that fire and setting the stage for a far greater fire to follow. When we are adding kindling, well that is our action and that is our responsibility.

For example

• when I am living to control everything in my marriage and there is not peace in the home for my wife or for my children – when I am not choosing to not follow Christ as a husband or as a father – we I just threw some dry stick onto that fire

• What about when I show favoritism for one of my kids because they are more like me and they like the things I like – A great example in the Bible would be how Jacob loved his 11^th son Joseph more than all the sons before him – that caused hatred to the point the brothers wanted to kill Joseph and eventually sold him to be a slave in Egypt – the father, Jacob – He was the one who threw the kindling on that fire

• What is my words are continuing criticism, verbally insulting my children, always pointing out their failures – that another log on the fire

• What about excessive demands and impossible standards so that they can satisfy my desires for making our home meet my needs – sounds like lighter fluid on the fire…

Dad’s, when we look at our children, we are responsible for our contribution to the problems in our home. If I have stirred up and fanned the flames of anger or resentment in my child, the first response is not to seek to change and control the child,

• the first step is to repent of where I have contributed through provocation and then

• confess your sin to your wife and to your children for the ways that you have provoked them and

• then take the steps to commit your ways to the Lord.

If you want to explore this further – the book by Lou Priolo

– Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo

The book is written to help us understand how to help our children so the first chapters are committed to an understanding of our parenting first – in fact Priolo goes so far as to provide a list of “25 ways parents provoke their children to anger.” Just a few examples of what is on the list include

• when we establish a Child-centered home – rather than Christ centered

• When we model sinful anger

• When we failed to admit that we are wrong or

• When we are inconsistent in our discipline, responding to our feelings rather than based on God’s truth.

Paul said it again in Colossians 3:21…when he writes…

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” Col. 3:21

Father’s do not provoke your children is a command to do more than just control the fire in your child’s heart – It is also a command to not crush their heart.

Father’s - I want to challenge each of us to discuss with our spouses – What are the areas that I am prone to provoking my children to anger – Then over the next month, I want you to pray and give special attention towards changing a growing.

Maybe – you identify that your words are critical and typically addressing what your sone or daughter has not done right – I would call you to first add in praise and thanksgiving for who your child is and consider ways to lovingly correct as compared to critical words that tear down.

Now that we have a clearer picture of the “don’t”, let’s take a look at what we are called to do as fathers.

B. Nurture

“bring them up”

We are called to nurture –

If you are thinking to yourself – no, that’s Mom’s job, she is the nurturing one, she’s the one who God made to nurture.

I am just going to say – stop right there –

God would not command you to “bring them up” or to nurture your children if he was not going to equip you to do so what does this look like.

Think of it like growing tomato plants in your back yard

Whether from seed or small seedling plants – if you want them to grow to give you good fruit, juicy tomatoes, you have to nurture those plants, and that’s going to take some work.

• To start you have to give them good soil, you have to pull the weeds and add some fertilizer

• You might even put some mulch around them to help prevent the weeds from growing back

• Then as they grow, you want the plant strong and tall so you add the support frame so that it can grow upwards

• Next you want to protect it from the animals that will try to steal it away so you surround it with a fence, but not too small because you want it free to grow in a good environment

• Then you water it, and you wait, you weed it again, maybe prune it, and you wait, trusting that by the end of summer – there will be good fruit

Our kids are not tomatoes, but we still need to nourish and bring them up and God’s command places this responsibility on the father. We are ultimately responsible for the growth of our children.

This is why it is so important that we understand what it means that we bring them up “in the Lord” according to his discipline and instruction.

C. Discipline and instruction of the Lord

“in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”

This is your privilege Fathers bring up children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord so that they may know God and his ways. You are uniquely charged with this role and responsibility.

So lets think about what those terms mean so that we can approach them correctly.

Discipline is the first we have to make sure we are clear on –

Bringing our children up in the discipline of the Lord must not be limited to an idea of the consequences for their sins – or the punishments for what we see as disobedience – we will discuss this issue, but we have to start with a larger understanding of discipline –

When we think of discipline, we should think more about how we are teaching our children to do what is right, more than correction for what is wrong.

Think about the Soldiers and Sailors who guard the Tomb of the unknown Soldier. They are trained to continuously perform their duties regardless of the weather or other events around them. They are disciplined in how they prepare themselves and their uniforms, they are disciplined in how they will maintain complete focus to carry out their duties.

That did not come naturally – they developed that level of discipline which included their instruction of what the standards are and how to achieve those standards

Our children need us as fathers to help them develop the discipline and they needs us to guide them with the instruction of the Lord…

As parents we can easily be led to think that if something is unpleasant to my child, if something makes them cry or unhappy, then that can’t be loving, I need to avoid that situation, but that thinking is more about “I don’t want them to cry” because it makes me feel bad, or because I just don’t want to deal with a crying child

But that is not what God says about the discipline and instruction of the Lord. And that is why we need to be reminded about the goodness of discipline.

Hebrews 12 says…

“and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, Nor faint when you are reproved by Him; For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives.” It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

Hebrews 12:5-11

Notice what God says about discipline and instruction – It shows love – Those whom the Lord loves, he disciplines, yet all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful

SO this is not about helping our children to always keeping our children happy. How much more do we desire the lasting joy in Christ for them.

Also, do you see the relationships involved in discipline and instruction – It is established within the relationship of Father and son, Parent and child.

I do not discipline and instruct my neighbors kids in this way every day. As their pastor, I don’t even discipline and instruct your kids in this way. IN fact, we can see that this responsibility does not rest with their schoolteachers or their coaches and it certainly does not belong with their friends

I am responsible for the discipline and instruction of my children, in fact if I fail to provide discipline and instruction – the passage in Hebrews would imply that to make them illegitimate children – not those whom I love.

I know –providing discipline and instruction to my children is hard, it is a big commitment – and it is one of the most loving things you can do for them. Think about it…

• I have to love and care about you enough to take notice of you and what you are saying, doing, wanting.

• I have to value your enough to be concerned for where your action may lead and step in when I see that your choices are leading to a bad place,

• Then I value our relationship at such a high priority as a Father that I put aside other responsibilities and time the Lord gives me, to have focused intentional time with you. Work is not as important, sports is not as important, my comfort and ease is not as important…

• This may include providing a natural consequence or physical discipline as corrective discipline. But I love you too much to not help you learn and change.

• I get to share the gospel – the most loving thing I could do…

• Then I get to model for them and with them how much better God’s ways are and the fruit of living for him.

• Then I get to praise and encourage them for listening to my instruction and seeking to obey and show them how much better it goes for them.

• Then I get to pray that God would allow the instruction and discipline I provided to take root in their heart that they would be saved, love God, and desire to obey him from the heart to bring glory to Jesus.

Dads – Is there anyone else who would do that for your child everyday – No One. That’s our joy and privilege to love our kids in this way

Fathers – we are called to turn to the Lord and seek his Word for how we carry out our responsibility – here are just a few ways in God’s Word

i. Teach regularly about the glory of God, his ways, and the blessings for obedience

^“These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” Deuteronomy 6:6-9

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3

ii. Model an example of Christlikeness

“Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:1

iii. Instruct about sinful behavior and why its sinful

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. “You shall have no other gods before Me.” Exodus 20:2-3

iv. Illustrate and explain negative consequences of sin

“For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol; she does not ponder the path of life; her ways wander, and she does not know it.” Proverbs 5:3-6

v. Give clear warnings for corrective discipline

“Do not enter the path of the wicked
And do not proceed in the way of evil men.
Avoid it, do not pass by it;
Turn away from it and pass on.
For they cannot sleep unless they do evil;
And they are robbed of sleep unless they make someone stumble.”

Proverbs 4:14-16

vi. Be diligent to enforce physical discipline and other consequences

“He who withholds his rod hates his son,
But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.”

Proverbs 13:24

“Discipline your son while there is hope,
And do not desire his death.” Proverbs 19:18

“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.”

Proverbs 22:15

“The rod and reproof give wisdom,
But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.” Proverbs 29:15

We cannot ignore how much emphasis that God places on the importance of loving physical training and discipline for nurturing and raising our children. “The rod” is used often throughout Proverbs and through the history of God’s interaction with his people, physical unpleasantness is often a means that God lovingly uses to discipline his people so that they listen and heed his words.

Now as parents, often as our children mature and grow and obey and do what is right, the physical consequences will decrease…we often use this chart in our counseling training…

• Explain chart and graph.

If you want to grow in this – consider watching our Fall FCI schedule and if the Parenting class is included, commit to being there so that you can grow first and love your children well as a Father or Mother.

As we walk through our God given responsibilities as a father, it can be an overwhelming task – but dad, you are not alone as our heavenly Father will never leave us alone and He has promised to equip us for the job

So the second action a father must take to love and raise his children is that we must

II. Trust the Lord and the resources he provides so you can raise your children.

God does not ask us to do something without empowering us with the resources he knows we need to fulfill our responsibility well.

Parenting is tough work, sometimes it feels like you are hitting your head on pavement…but it’s not like we are being asked to do something unreasonable without the proper resources like break up concrete with your head…

• When God knows you need a jackhammer for the job, God provides everything we need to do his will.

There is a reason why Paul begins the first half of this letter in prayer and praise for God’s work and reminding us that holy living and living our new life in Christ is only possible by being “in Christ,” united with our Savior, Jesus Christ, by faith. He will work and through us.

Fathers – I have to ask you – Do you want to love your children – Choose to love Christ first.

GOSPEL PRESENTATION

If there is something holding you back from choosing Christ, guys, it will hold you back from loving your kids – Don’t leave today without talking to one of us. Let’s setup a time to talk – there is nothing more important that you could do for your kids today.

And when we have made that decision – you can know that you have the resources to bring up your children because…

A. You are reconciled with God

Jesus reconciled you by his kindness for a purpose…to do good works and glorify Christ.

^“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” Ephesians 2:8-9

Christian Father, you were saved that you might bring glory to Jesus by raising your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. This is one of the works he has prepared in advance for you to do, so you can do it! And He will be your teacher

• Do you think God knows how to deal with disobedient children?

• Do you think God knows how to bless and reward with good gifts?

• Do you think God knows how to instruct and model what we ought to do?

God gives you direct access to him, his wisdom, his knowledge, his character, his goals, desires and plan in prayer and through his word.

You may say what does forgiving my children look like…”as God in Christ forgives you”

“What does loving my children when they sin look like…”as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us”

What does providing for my children look like…”As Christ who was rich, for your sake became poor, that you might become rich”

Everything you apply in your parenting is shaped by your growing personal relationship with Christ.

And based on that, you have the resource that…

B. You have peace with one another

You are not alone in the parenting task, and not everyone is against you either.

Even within your family, Jesus breaks down barriers between sinful people and unites them together so that we can grow and mature together.

“For He Himself is our peace, who made both groups into one and broke down the barrier of the dividing wall, by abolishing in His flesh the enmity, which is the Law of commandments contained in ordinances, so that in Himself He might make the two into one new man, thus establishing peace, and might reconcile them both in one body to God through the cross, by it having put to death the enmity. And He came and preached peace to you who were far away, and peace to those who were near; for through Him we both have our access in one Spirit to the Father.” Ephesians 2:14-18

So as children grow in their faith and parents grow in their faith, Jesus brings greater unity and peace in your relationships.

You are also not alone in the church – men, you are surrounded here by other men who also want to grow as godly men, husbands and fathers. How can you connect with them?

Commit to coming to Men of Faith in the coming year. Commit to joining a Point Man Groups to gather regularly with other men or to be a part of a Neighborhood Bible Group here in the Northend. Men, I also want you to know that if the issues are deeper, we can also walk with you through Biblical counseling. Counseling is not an indication of weakness, but it is a sign of strength that you would reach out to God to grow.

And through your decision for Christ and actions to grow…

C. You are strengthened by the Lord

i. through your identity

Knowing your identity strengthens you as a parent.

Your identity grounds you to know who you are and your purpose as a parent. This informs how you think, desire, and act.

Knowing and trusting in your identity in Christ means that I don’t have to try you be what others might tell me I need to be…

• I don’t have to be the “Cool Dad.”

• I don’t have to be the “Sports Dad.”

• I don’t have to compare myself against any other dad including my own,

• but I only need to be the Father that God calls me to be

I love 1 Cor 4:3-4 as He reminds me that

³ But to me it is an insignificant matter that I would be examined by you, or by any human ^[b]court; in fact, I do not even examine myself. ⁴ For I am not aware of anything against myself; however I am not vindicated by this, but the one who examines me is the Lord.

Remembering your identity “In Christ” guards against what you tell yourself as a Parent. Parenting makes you desperate and humble. It reveals your sin, weaknesses, and foolishness in so many ways.

It’s easy to be discouraged as fathers from fulfilling your God given responsibility.

Listen to whatever way you can grow and change that is true based on God’s word, but don’t let comparisons dictate how you perceive yourself and your relationship with the Lord and discourage you from you striving to glorify God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength to fulfill your God-given responsibility as a Father.

Continued study in the book of Ephesians can help us trust our identity in Christ know that

• - “I am chosen in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.” Ephesians 1:4

And even when we fall short, or we see failures in our past

• - “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace” Ephesians 1:7

Through our identity in Christ, we are strengthened to be the Father that God calls us to be and we can take great hope as we see Paul also praying that we be strengthened

ii. through the Spirit’s power

^“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know…what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.” Ephesians 1:18-19

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man” Ephesians 3:14-16

Lastly, fathers you also have the resource of God’s word.

D. You have God’s word for training

Right at the core of our church’s Statement of Faith is the truth that God’s word is sufficient for all things in our lives including fatherhood.

“and that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:15-17

The discipline and instruction of the Lord includes

• Teaching – that we might show our children how to live for God

• Reproof – that we might point out sin based on God’s word, not our own desires

• Correction – to help our children repent and turn towards the Lord

• And training in righteousness that our sons and daughters might be adequate, equipped for every good work.

What more could I want for my children this Father’s day.

Dads – God is calling upon you, he is giving you a command, today we have to decide will you step up to your calling.

Will you bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord? Will you Trust God to provide you all that you need to fulfill your responsibility?

That is my prayer for each and every one of us this Father’s Day.