I know that I told you last week, that we would be looking at the role of the husband, and ladies, some of you might have been looking forward to this all week…finally, this is what I want my husband to hear…I believe this is a message we all need to hear…but before I dive into Ephesians, because marriage is an issue talked about a lot in culture, let me look at another issue in culture to be considered…
As a Staff, we want to serve you well and sometimes that leads us to discussions about what others outside our church are saying. This topic is not new, but it is important to consider the decline in attendance in evangelical Bible-believing churches across our culture…
Praise the Lord, thankfully, we have not been impacted in that same way – but it’s important for us to know what’s occurring and to think about why…
One interesting aspect of the trend is highlighted in a recent blog - that women are leaving the church at a more rapid rate then men…I would not have predicted that.
Let me share a few points from the author, Shane Morris…
One of the oldest features of Christianity is its appeal among women. Women swelled the ranks of the Early Church as it reflected how Jesus had treated them. He talked to women in public, defended them against accusers, and appeared to them first after His resurrection. All this at a time when women were widely treated as inferior to men.
Today, however, women in America seem to be abandoning Christian observance more quickly than men.
This survey focused on college educated men and women…in 2008, attendance by women was at 36% with men at 34%. 15 years later in 2023, those numbers dropped to 27% of women and 34% of men. A drop for both sexes…but the author notes
the drop among educated women is disproportionately high, and it coincides with the leftward lurch in how women identify, politically…
He goes on to say.
Also, the decline of marriage has historically correlated with women adopting more progressive beliefs. Pew Research reported last year that the share of 40-year-olds who have never been married is at a historic high, and childbearing, partly as a result, is near a record low.
Is it just higher education? Morris also notes
The rise of social media may [also] play a role in women’s exodus from church and toward progressivism. Women spend more time on social media than men, regardless of age. A particular kind of social and political orthodoxy is ruthlessly enforced by mob rule on social media platforms. Not only do influencers seek to shape the beliefs of their followers, they often promote alternative forms of spirituality and views of “the good life.”
Whatever the causes are, leaving the Church and becoming more progressive has not served women well. A 2023 survey by the Centers for Disease Control found that almost 60% of teenage girls reported feeling consistently sad or hopeless, and half of those seriously contemplated suicide. This represented a 20% increase in mental health problems among teen girls within a decade. Over the same period, teen boys saw a comparatively small but still alarming 8% increase in mental health issues.
It seems unlikely, then, that the peace so many young women are looking for will be found on TikTok or in left-wing politics. The “God-shaped hole” in every human heart becomes only more, not less, pronounced by rejecting organized religion. This means, at least in part, that any outreach to educated young women must include an appeal to tradition, to marriage, and to life beyond social media, as well as countering their counterfeits. It should also, as always, include appealing to our Savior, whose high view and treatment of women have brought so many to see His Church as a place of countercultural hope.
This trend should cause a church like ours to do some real soul-searching…
- Maybe the problem is that men have not done a good job of living out our biblical role and therefore it has not been as attractive to women as it once was…
- Maybe women, or men, don’t have an interest in what God’s Word says about these matters…especially if it contradicts what the world around us believes…
So what should a congregation like us do with this reality?
- is the answer to stop teaching what Scripture says because of the risk of alienating someone or turning them off?...
- is the solution…teaching less of what the Word of God says?...
- before he died, Tim Keller, the longtime pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC was asked about how Christians interact with our culture on topics like these…
you might want to sit back – you may not like some of this…
- “…most Christians are just nowhere nearly as deeply immersed in the scripture and in theology as they are in their respective social-media bubbles and News Feed bubbles. To be honest, I think the ‘woke’ evangelicals are just much more influenced by MSNBC and liberal Twitter. The conservative Christians are much more influenced by Fox News and their particular loops. And they’re [both] living in those things eight to 10 hours a day. They go to church once a week, and they’re just not immersed in the kind of biblical theological study that would nuance that stuff.”
In other words…the answer isn’t less biblical truth…it’s more…
Keller went on to talk about how that then would help us accomplish our mission in culture…and he contrasted those who just want to abandon culture out of fear…or others who want to take over culture out of anger…
- “Both those evangelical strategies are wrong. Both of them are about power and saying, How are we going to use power to live life the way we want? They’re not enough about service; they’re not enough about serving the common good.
- “The proper cultural strategy is faithful presence within,” he added, “not pulling away from the culture, and not trying to take it over. ‘Faithful presence within’ means being faithful; it means we’re not going to assimilate, [but] we’re going to be distinctively Christian. It’s about an attitude of service, uncompromising in our beliefs, but not withdrawing and not trying to dominate.”
So what does it look like to be deeply immersed in the Scripture when it comes to the role of the husband and the role of the wife…and to live that out faithfully in the culture in which we’ve been placed?...
With that in mind, please open your Bible to Ephesians chapter 5…page 1172 of the Bible under the chair in front of you…
Our theme this year is Building on Our Heritage…so we’ve been studying verse-by-verse through the of the book of Ephesians together…
And we’re now at the end of chapter 5 and the beginning of chapter 6 where Paul gives very specific and practical teaching about the Christian family…
- we’ve titled this section… Strengthening Unity in Our Relationships…
And for a strong church and for strong families, we are simply going to stick with what god’s Word teaches
And that brings us to a study of The Husband’s Role in Marriage…
Read Ephesians 5:21-33
- Based on our text and the whole of God’s Word, I would like to share
3 aspects of a biblical husband’s role…
If we look for our teaching elsewhere, we might agree with those who are leaving the church, but I do not want to shy away because something might be hard
Understood properly, there are plenty of people here who would say – allowing Jesus Christ to give us the strength and power to understand and follow His Word on topics like this has made all the difference in the world in our life and marriage…
And I don’t want you to just hear it from me…that’s why we’re going to do something a little different today…
We asked three couples who have been long-time members of our church to talk to us about each of these three aspects of a husbands role…and specifically how this has guided them…
We are doing this for a couple of reasons…
- for one, on the occasion of our 60th anniversary, it provides an opportunity to introduce you to some of our long-time members from other campuses…
- but also for an opportunity for all of us to thank the Lord for His timeless Word…
And we do understand that not everyone in our community will accept this and will instead seek other sources of truth…
- but these testimonies will remind us that, as Peter said quoting Isa 40,
1 Peter 1:24–25 - For, “All flesh is like grass, And all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, And the flower falls off, But the word of the Lord endures forever.” And this is the word which was preached to you.
Wise men and women build their lives and relationships on truth like this…
First – a husband will…
I. Glorify God by Leading His Wife (Eph 5:23)
God’s Word is pretty clear here and in other passages that…
A. God gave men leadership responsibilities
Have you ever been in a situation where no one was leading, but yet leadership was clearly needed…where there is a vacuum in leadership, we often find chaos and frustration as the desires of everyone involved begin to collide.
Think back to all the places you’ve been in the last week…and it's likely that in practically every one of them, there had to be some kind of leadership…
A week ago at the first FCS football game, I simply went to watch because Grace is the media manager…since they were the home team, they needed some volunteers to be the chain gang…so I raised my hand…someone gave me directions and checked up on me to help me get it right and as a result, I had a front row seat to watch the game…but more importantly, if they had not lead and I chose to do things my own way, that game would have turned to chaos.
I did not have to lead there, but sometimes, I do not get to choose.
When it came to anything related to the Northend in the first 5 years – I was asked to lead, when it comes to anything related to Vision of Hope today – I know that it will be best if I lead…
And when I get home to Kathy and our family – it does not matter how much I was leading anywhere else – when it comes to my family, I have been given the responsibility to lead…
Now you might say – not everyone is cut out to be a leader…why did God limit things so that the husband should be the leader?...
I have known a lot of women who are better leaders than me. But we are not talking about gifting, we are talking about God-given responsibility…
How do I know that God intends for husbands to have the responsibility to lead?
one reason is “order of creation…
- He created Adam first (Genesis 1-2; I Timothy 2:11-15)
How we view the headship of Adam has a significant impact on how we interpret all of God’s Word regarding roles…
A popular view regarding the issue of leading and following in marriage is that this relationship order is the result of the fall. If this were true, we might then conclude that the Cross reverses the impact of the fall and thus abolishes these roles.
Our culture may want that, but that would then contradict what God then says in the New Testament regarding marriage and even regarding the church.
For example, take a look at the issue of “order of creation” when discussing roles in the church…
- 1 Timothy 2:12–13 - But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet. For it was Adam who was first created, and then Eve.
This is one of the many reasons we don’t have female pastors here…that is not to say that some women are not gifted with teaching the word…it is simply about the order and leadership God intends in His church…
This is an area where we know there are churches and church leaders elsewhere who see this differently…
but it is not about how we want things to be…
What matters…or at least what should matter, is what God’s Word says about the church and specifically for today, about marriage…clearly…
2. He declared the husband to be the leader in the home (Ephesians 5:23; I Corinthians 11:1-3)
- Ephesians 5:23 - For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
Declared, yes, but the key here is understanding and applying the “as Christ also is” part…
Though some might grumble about the husband’s role as leader,
I have never heard a man or woman complain or be troubled that Jesus is the head of the church…why is that?...
Husbands, this is the attribute we must focus on…
not just I am called to lead…
but that being the head,
I am called to reflect the leadership of Christ as head of the church…
To do this, let’s look at…
B. The biblical view of the husband’s leadership (Matthew 20:25-28)
Because Christ-like leadership is servant leadership…
In chapter 20, Matthew records that the mother of James and John had asked for her sons to be put in positions of leadership, that they would sit at the right and left of Jesus in the kingdom…but Jesus’s answer – you do not know what you are asking…
We cannot fully unpack Matthew 20, but this is where Jesus taught…
- Matthew 20:25–28 - But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. “It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”
In other words, He said, you do not understand MY leadership
1. Biblical leadership is not dictatorship (vs. 25-26a)
Biblical leadership flips the ideas of the world on its head
It is humble
It looks for ways to serve…and meet needs…
It is not about authority over, but rather accountability to…
In any relationship, someone has to lead and someone must take accountability…if things do not go as planned, someone has to be responsible…
And if there’s an impasse, someone has to make the final call…
And whereas a dictator will default to ordering everyone to do what he wants…
Husbands, we are called to something better…because
2. Biblical leadership is service and sacrifice (vs. 26-28)
This is not something that comes natural…
- when we have worked hard all day and we are getting home and we just want to relax,
- when we have been making decisions all day long and my brain feels like it just can’t make another decision…
- I don’t want to lead…not this way…
But what God’s Word calls us to is a leadership that places our wife’s and our family's needs and desires before our own,
that when I get home, as much as I might desire for Kathy to be waiting with a Diet Coke, Grace to have the TV set on ESPN and Josie waiting with a snack…
Biblical leadership calls me to place those desires as secondary and to serve and sacrifice to lead my family…
As a testimony and example of what that can look like…let’s listen to Chester and Betty Bankes…
Video – Chester and Betty Bankes (7:20 min)
What a beautiful picture of 1 Peter 1:24-25 – the grass withers and the flower fades, but the Word of our God stands forever…and the practical questions become clear…
- Husbands, are you leading your wife and family, even when it’s hard?…
- Wives, are you making it as easy as possible for your husband to fulfill that responsibility?...
The second of a husband’s role sounds like what the world would say for a husband, but even here, the world gets things reversed…
A Husband is called to…
II. Glorify God by Loving His Wife (Ephesians 5:25-33)
This one jumps out of the passage as well, in fact Paul repeats himself three times in these 8 verses…
But because the world might teach us using the same words, we need to be certain to take the time to truly understand what God is saying…
Paul is not speaking at all about…Husbands desire your wives and see them as attractive…
I hope you do see her that way, but this is explaining something different
- Ephesians 5:25–26 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
Just as women might struggle in following the leadership they are given…
- By the way, if that’s not true in your particular case, praise the Lord…
In the same way, men struggle with either not leading or by loving selfishly…is that really love?…
This is why it’s so important to remember that…
A. Biblical love is a choice to give sacrificially
For God so loved the world, that He gave…God’s love resulted in an action to give
1. That is the love Christ displayed on the cross for us!
It would be valuable for many if not all of us as husbands to spend time considering the love of Christ displayed on the cross and comparing that to our love for our wives or anyone…
I think we’ll find it to be terribly convicting…
God loved – so God gave…he gave everything.
That is the picture of love that we are to reflect in our marriage…
Because Biblical love is a choice – not based on a feeling…
2. Emotions will come and go, but godly love ‘never fails’ ‘(1 Corinthians 13:8)
I have never spoken with any couple who when I asked them about their wedding day, that would say they did not love one another…
But how many times, do we hear a couple who is struggling years later who says that we just don’t love one another anymore…
I don’t know how it happened, but we just fell out of love…
that is only possible if we are talking about love in the wrong light…
Godly love, modeled on Christ, love is a choice… a choice that gives…
that never fails…
What an incredible promise for those who seek to follow God’s Word in this matter…
And from the Word, what do we learn? That...
B. Biblical love is patterned after Christ’s love for us:
and it can be characterized in these ways…
Biblical Love comes…
1. First
1 John 4:19 “We love, because He first loved us.”
Men, are you looking for a loving home, a loving marriage?…stop waiting on your wife,
“But when I get home, I don’t feel respected…verse 33 says she is supposed to respect me”…stop waiting on your wife
We are to love first,
and We are to love…
2. Most
John 15:13 “Greater love has no man than this . . .”
Again – For God so loved the world, He gave…He gave everything, he gave his most precious things, he gave that we He loved most
Love in marriage is not 50 / 50, it is not dependent on how much the other person puts in…
Can you imagine if Christ’s love for us was conditioned by our love for Him?...
We are to love first and to love most and to love…
3. Sacrificially
Ephesians 5:25 “…as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her”
Husbands, can you point to areas of sacrifice for your wife and family?...
Are there specific steps that could and should be taken in that direction?...
What would you give up that would be sacrificial?
- Your Time? But when will I get to do what I want?
- Your comfort?
- What about your idols?
- What gets in the way of you loving your wife? Does drinking get in the way? Something else? But I need that because…because of what?
- Will you sacrifice your wants and desires in order to love your wife?
We also love…
4. In spite of faults
Romans 5:8
- But God commended His love toward us in that, while we were yet sinners…
God did not wait for us to clean ourselves up – He died for us in spite of our faults…
5. Regardless of rejection
Jesus was rejected by his own people, even his family.
Jesus was rejected by his disciples as the left Him and fled when He was arrested…
He was even rejected by His Father while on the cross…
And what about us today? Did you place your faith and trust in Christ the very first time you learned of his love?...
I did not…yet, He kept loving us anyway?...
God’s Word shows us that love is a choice, not a feeling, and we have been given the perfect example of love in Christ…
Let me introduce you to Jeff and Lori Walters and listen to how God’s concept of love has guided their marriage…
Video – Jeff and Lori Walters (5:15 min)
I recognize that the principles we are discussing get heavy pushback, if not downright rejection from the world…many would laugh at us for considering these antiquated, outdated concepts…but at the risk of sounding redundant…
the grass withers, and the flower fades…but the Word of our God stands forever…
Men, if you are thinking– wow, this is hard…we really haven’t gotten to the hard part yet…
Because we always have to remember the unity principle…Scripture interprets Scripture…
How we interpret our core passage in Ephesians 5 – it has to bear the weight of the rest of the Bible…
In other words, it has to be interpreted in a way that is consistent with what the rest of God’s Word says…including that a husband is to…
III. Glorify God by Learning about and Honoring his wife (1 Peter 3:7).
One of the most challenging verses in the Bible for husbands is…
1 Peter 3:7 - You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
You know, this is really only hard to understand when we want it to mean something different, but if I am willing to believe what God’s Word says, then I can know that…
A. A husband is commanded to learn about his wife.
Simple right? No? then let’s break it down to see that it really is simple…the command to learn about your wife is…
1. A command that takes time and effort
Men often joke – I will never understand women? Is that true?
Guys – we cannot just throw up our arms and say this is impossible…it might feel impossible, but God has never given a command that He would not make possible…
But you say, Hebrews 11 says it is impossible to please God…it does, but that is only part of the sentence, it actually says without faith, it is impossible…therefore with faith, pleasing God, which includes learning about our wives – Possible…
This should cause us, husbands and wives and singles and widows to regularly run to the throne of grace to receive mercy and find grace during our time of need…
Then from there we find it is…
2. A command that includes being mindful of her weaknesses
Ladies, let’s not be offended here, you have to decide what you believe Peter meant with the phrase…as with someone weaker…
We have to be very careful with that one…I believe it speaks more about the nature of the husband’s actions than it does in characterizing the wife and therefore it ought to result in sensitivity and patience in the heart of the husband…
And if you are still not sure, we can also know it does not speak negatively of the wife because Peter goes on to say…
B. A husband is commanded to honor his wife.
1. Honoring her includes respect, thankfulness, and appreciation.
Men, we might think we have this one figured out, but we would be wise to ask what we could start doing, or stop doing, to live more in line with this concept…
One area I would challenge us all – men how do we speak about our wives when they are not standing next to us? How would your co-workers describe your wife based on your words alone? What about with a female friend? What do you say to her? Do we grumble and complain, or do we give thanks? She gets me…This should not be…
We are to honor our wives at all times with our thoughts, words and actions…
2. Honoring her because she shares the same inheritance.
She is a fellow heir of the grace of life…equally valued and honored by God
And if we do not live in an understanding way and honor our wives, there is a warning…
C. The prayers of those who refuse these commands are hindered
Men, if you feel like your prayers are hitting the ceiling and bouncing back, consider, are there ways you need to grow as a husband –
so that your prayers will not be hindered…
These three key words – leader, lover, and learner have guided so many of our brothers and sisters here…let me share one more testimony from Jeff and Jana Kessler…
Video – Jeff and Jana Kessler (4 min)
We started this morning with an article entitled – Why are educated women leaving the church?...
Men – let’s ask ourselves, why would that be? It could be because men are not doing a very good job at fulfilling their roles at home, in marriage, and at the church…
It could also be that some women are just not wanting to hear what God says for them…
Regardless, the answer can’t be to stop teaching what Scripture says on matters like this…
Our culture needs followers of Jesus Christ who have stories like Chester and Betty’s, and Jeff and Lori’s, and Jeff and Jana’s…
I know each of them and they would all be quick to say that they are far from perfect…
but they long ago decided what their source of truth was going to be…
because the grass withers, and the flower fades away…but the Word of our God, stands forever…
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