The Wife's Role in Marriage

I have had the privilege of serving as a Pastor here since 2010…after graduating from Purdue, and then working in industry I was blessed to be able to come back here and attend seminary and then join the pastoral staff after seminary.

One of my first assignments as part of teaching in the biblical counseling training conference was teaching the session on the wife’s role…I was terrified to say the least.

Over the years I have had the privilege of serving my sisters in Christ not just in teaching that session, but through the counseling ministry…seeking to help wives fulfill their god given role even and especially when it is hard.

Seeing women seek to honor the Lord even when a husband is not honoring the Lord, or when they are married to an unbeliever, or when they are going through significant trials is a powerful and amazing testimony to the goodness of God and how he uses people bearing his image in the roles he has for them…

The women of this church have an amazing heritage of loving the lord and loving His word…and applying His word…so many women in this church have been a blessing to me personally and a blessing to my family…it is an honor to be able to teach godly women.

I have learned over the years that godly women want truth from god’s word…they want it communicated wisely, and in a Christ centered loving manner, but they do not want to be pandered to, they want to be equipped to honor the Lord, and I so appreciate that…

One of the feedbacks I received early on from the wives role was, don’t be too easy on us…we want to be challenged from the word of God so that we can grow…and I have found that to be true again and again…godly women want to be challenged from the word of god so they can apply truth in all aspects of their life, especially in marriage.

So by God’s grace I get to

Please turn in your bibles to Ephesians 5:21–33 page 153

This morning, we are continuing our mini-series on “Strengthening Unity In Our Relationships” as we have been growing to be more like Jesus Christ by applying the book of Ephesians this year as a church.

Our annual theme for the year has been all about “Building On Our Heritage” as we are celebrating our 60^th anniversary as a Church Family. I hope you are going to be at the Church Family Night at Loeb Stadium tonight (September 8^th) at 5:00 PM to celebrate!

One aspect of our 60-year heritage is that we are unashamedly a Bible believing church. That’s the marvelous heritage we have as a church.

Christ is building his church and while the grass withers and the flower fades, the Word of our God stands forever. And our church family has seen Christ to be faithful to build his church and strengthen families as we have sought to faithfully follow God’s Word.

No doubt one of the most common areas where our culture’s values collide with God’s values is marriage. So, when culture says one thing that disagrees with what the Bible teaches, we believe that God and his word is the authority since he is the creator and designer of marriage, so we will believe and follow what God says. Even if it means it’s not the most popular view or goes against the ways of human culture, or someone’s opinion, or the ways that someone was raised.

In past weeks we talked about: The Power for Marital Unity

How those who believe in Jesus Christ are rescued from sin through his powerful death on the cross and resurrection from the dead so that we have the power to now live a life worthy of our salvation in our relationships. So, by the power of the Holy Spirit we can please the Lord in our relationships because of our ultimate marriage to Jesus Christ.

Then we talked about The Meaning and Purpose of the Marriage Covenant that marriage is a relationship of promised commitment for life that establishes a new family unit and reflects the covenant love of Christ to his church.

Then two weeks ago we discussed a biblical view of sex and intimacy as A Picture of Marital Unity. And how we cultivate unity and intimacy in a marriage.

Last week we talked about The Husbands Role for Marital Unity….and then

This morning, we are talking about The Wife’s Role for Marital Unity.

Please follow along as I read beginning in Ephesians 5:21 [Read Eph 5:21-33]

This morning, we are focusing on 4 Parts of the Wife’s Role which Promote Unity in Marriage.

All God’s people need to pay attention to these facets of the Wife’s role. Husbands, you a responsible to lead your wife to faithfully follow Christ and his Word so that she can give a good account before Christ on judgment day.

Believers who are single, you are responsible to know what God’s word says about the roles and responsibilities so that you may disciple and help Christians who are married grow in godliness and Christlikeness to live these out. Also, if the Lord were to have you be married, then you would need to know your responsibilities as a wife or a husband before God.

~First, fulfilling our marriage roles starts with believers…

I. Submitting to Christ (Ephesians 5:21)

Ephesians 5:21 - …and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Being subject to one another in the fear of Christ is a fruit of the Christian who is filled by the Holy Spirit. This is not natural…this is not what humans normally do. It’s evidence of the power of God, And the Holy Spirit’s controlling influence over your life.

A believer who is being subject to one another

is evidence of someone walking in the love of Christ (Eph 5:1).

Being subject to one another is the fruit of a Christian

who is living wisely,

making the most of every opportunity,

and someone who understands what the will of the Lord is in their relationships (Eph 5:15–17).

So, the command in verse 22 for wives to be subject to their own husband, is unpacking and explaining an example of how we are to be subject to one another in the fear of Christ… What does that look like for a married woman?

Don’t miss the motivation for why these responsibilities are embraced, “the fear of Christ.”

The primary motivation for why I seek to faithfully fulfill my marriage role and responsibilities has nothing to do with my spouse!

• So the motivation for being subject is not “when my husband is kind,” then I’ll be subject.

• Or the motivation “when he agrees with me” then I’ll be subject.

• Or the motivation is “when its comfortable and easy” then I’ll be subject.

Question: Wives, what are the motivations that can be put first as the reason for fulfilling your responsibilities in marriage?

Is the fear of Christ motivating you? Are you being subject to your husband ultimately because you are seeking to be subject to Christ and fear him?

So, the wives and husbands are going to need to embrace that living out their God given roles and responsibilities is because they are seeking to submit to Jesus and fear him. This is what will build and strengthen unity in their marriage.

~What else is involved for the wife that will build and strengthen unity in the marriage…it’s being subject to Christ by…

II. Helping Your Husband (Genesis 1:26-31; 2:18-25)

Genesis 2:18 - Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

When we use the word helper in our culture, we often use it as Santa’s little helper, or maybe a child being your helper…If your child is helping you make cookies…it is not because of their culinary prowess…and we need to make sure we are biblically understanding that the wives role is a position of extreme honor…because…

A. The honorable nature of this position, “helper,” frequently describes God

Psalm 54:4 - Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the sustainer of my soul.

Psalm 30:10 - Hear, O LORD, and be gracious to me; O LORD, be my helper.

1 Samuel 7:12 - Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us."

Hebrews 13:6 - …so that we confidently say, "THE LORD IS MY HELPER, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID. WHAT WILL MAN DO TO ME?"

What beautiful descriptions of how God seeks to help!

• Helping by rescuing and sustaining.

• Helping through showing faithful mercy.

• Helping through subduing enemies.

• Helping through seeking to protect.

So consider the…

B. The potential delight of being a helpful companion (Genesis 1:26-28; 2:18, 20, 24)

1. Helping him in the responsibilities (work/job) he has to fulfill (Genesis 1:28)

This is not a one way street, but wives do you understand that you have amazing god given gifts and abilities that simply make your husband much better…do you find joy in using your gifts and abilities to help him in areas he may not be that gifted in.

2. Helping him in the parenting process (Genesis 1:28; 2:24)

There are folks in our church that raise this kids alone…or even have to contend with opposition from their children’s father or mother who oppose them teaching biblical truth…working together and helping your husband disciple the children is a huge honor and something to be incredible thankful for bc not everyone is in that position.

3. Helping in exercising the spiritual gifts within the church (1 Corinthians 12)

Again, your gifts strengthen…consider Illustration of “I’m dumb”

4. Helping in reaching out to the community (Matthew 5:13-16)

When you work together as a team with joy…it can have a huge evangelistic impact as folks as why do you have joy in helping you’re your husband…

5. Helping in a sexual relationship with each other (Genesis 1:28; 2:25; 1 Corinthians 7:1-5)

For God to be honored, bit the husband and the wife need to be actively engaged in this process…consider illustration of “He doesn’t deserve it”

~Wives living this way is a delight to Christ and blessing to her husband and a blessing to the family, and a blessing to the community.

Tim and Deb, long-term members of our church have tasted and seen the beauty of God’s design and order in the marriage relationship as a wife lives out her God given responsibilities to be a helper to her husband.

[Video Testimony – Tim and Deb Catron – 612 Words]

I was 9 years old back in 1989 😊….but this is just another reminder of the long term joys and blessing of seeking to do things God’s way…

~Following God’s design for marriage by being a helper is a beautiful example of how followers of Christ are to be servants…wives are also to follow Christ by…

III. Following Your Husband’s Leadership (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Ephesians 5:22-24 - Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

Again, notice the motivation of submission for wives is… “as to the Lord.” In submitting to her husband in that very action she is submitting to Christ.

~In order to do this you must…

Develop a biblical view of submission

Ooop…I said it…I said the s word…Illustration, Kicked out of Starbucks?...Young bride…are you going to talk about submission in the service because I have an Aunt from the East coast who is attending and she might stand up in the middle of the service”

Submission = put in subjection, be under the authority of; take a subordinate place (position)

It’s not just Paul who teaches, this all of God’s Word emphasizes God’s design and order for wives to submit to their husbands like…

1 Peter 3:1 - In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives.

Sometimes this passage gets pulled out of context as if wives are not to speak…that is not what the bible teaches…I am pretty sure Ephesian 4:15 is still in the bible where we are all called to speak the truth in love and grow in all aspects of Christlikeness…What is important to understand about this passage is that if a husband is not listening to the word of God…is he going to listen to his wife…the answer is no…and yet what is amazing and powerful is the impact a wife can have based on her godly behavior…a husband is not listing to the word of God and yet the Lord can work in a powerful way through his wife…that is not a passage that is designed to tell women to be quiet but rather a passage that highlights the incredible power a godly wife is as an instrument in the redeemers hands.

1. Submission is good because it is God’s divine plan for function and order (Ephesians 5:22-23)

The reason for submission in Ephesians 5:22-23 is grounded in God’s creation order with Adam made first as the head of his wife, Eve, and thus he has authority. This is before the fall, before the curse of sin, before sinful abuse of authority. This is God’s design and purposes even though some may abuse and misuse God’s good gift and design.

Verse 24…also clarifies that wives are to be submissives “in everything” in the sense of in every area of life.

The Christian wife shows her willingness and character to follow Christ. She voluntarily chooses to be under the authority of her husband and follow his leadership as a helper in every area of life. This is what is proper and fitting for the marriage. This is what flourishes the marriage relationship and strengthens unity according to God’s design.

• The challenge is the all areas…one might be willing to submit to where to go on vacation, but not willing to submit to financial decisions on vacation…willing to submit to how to educate the children, but not how to spend family time in the evenings and weekends. The challenge is there are going to be some areas everyone agrees are best, and those are wonderful…but when there is a disagreement, when someone has to lead and set a course and make a decisions…this is where a trust in the Lord when you disagree or have a different preference is so critical.

• Again, “in everything” means in every area of life, but it is does not mean I submit “in everything” even in doing sinful things or following my husband’s leadership when he is leading us to sin against God or neglect obedience to God’s Word in other responsibilities in the Christian life. In those situations, wives must obey God rather than their husband.

But this whole process is not unique…everyone needs to process this reality…you see….

1. Submission is a way of life for every believer in a variety of relationships, not just the wife
   (Ephesians 5:21)

Matthew 16:24–25 -²⁴ Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. ²⁵ “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.

The cross of Rome was a tool of forced submission…THE Roman empire used this horrible torture as a billboard to all who enter a Roman city…If you do not submit to ROME, this will happen to you…

Jesus turns that on its head and says who ever desire to follow me…this is willing submission…but then it includes denying yourself…denying you have the ultimate authority over your life…that you know what is best for you, and that you are the Lord…taking up ones cross is surely a path of hardship where you trust someone else to have authority over you and lead you…down the Path that they walked a apth focused on obeying and trusting God.

Since Jesus is the example of perfect submission, wives can follow His example!

Jesus knows about the brokenness of mankind, how people misuse God’s Word and how people are imperfect authorities…And he calls Christians to follow in his steps by responding righteously even while suffering.

1 Peter 2:21 - For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps.

John 6:38 - For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.

If anyone had a good will it is Jesus and even he did not insist on His preferences…and that His will must be the focus, but rather the will of God the father…this helps us all not calmer after our own will, but

C. Respond properly to imperfect leadership (1 Peter 2:18-3:6)

1. Since Jesus is the only perfect leader, we all face the challenge of following imperfect leadership in the home

1 Corinthians 11:3 - But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.

When we remember we have a perfect authority, Jesus Christ, who we are commanded to submit and follow everyday as our head, and how often we do not agree and follow his leadership and directives, that we are reminded that our struggle to submit is not because of him, but because we want to satisfy our desires and interests first.

So submitting to Christ will help in…

1. Responding to a believing husband who is imperfect

So a wife should seek to fulfill her responsibilities to please the Lord not based on the condition that the husband be perfect or meets her expectations. This type of response of being subject even includes…

3. Responding to an unbelieving husband who is imperfect

1 Corinthians 7:14 -¹⁴ For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.

This does not mean that if one spouse is a believer everyone gets to go to heaven…rather the weird sanctified indicates that the family is set apart in a special way...they are holy in the sense that they are set apart because they get to see a believer live out their faith right in front of everyone in the home…and the Lord can use that over time to draw people in the family to Himself through the testimony of the believing spouse…in other words this is powerful…and it comes down to following Christ’s example even and especially when it is difficult because following the Lord in your role is worth it …

I want you to hear another married couple, Brian and Jocelyn Wallace, that have tasted and experienced the joy and blessing of God of biblical submission in their marriage.

[VIDEO TESTIMONY BRIAN AND JOCELYN WALLACE] – Approx. 700 words

There is something so powerful about a wife saying…I want to follow your leadership…even if they disagree, even after expressing concerns, just saying. I want to honor the Lord…that is so impactful for a husband to be challenged and convicted to make sure they are leading in a way that is indeed honoring to the Lord and Christ centered.

~Finally, we see, wives are to glorify God by…

IV. Respecting Your Husband (Ephesians 5:33)

Ephesians 5:33 - Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

God is not just focusing on the behavior, but the attitude that the wife has toward her husband by respecting him.

Showing respect is something that wives should be cultivating in their thought life and communicating regularly with their husbands.

“A godly wife will not only show respect to her husband’s position during the difficult times, such as his sin or his failure, but she will also show respect on a daily basis when he is just an everyday, ordinary person.” (Martha Peace, The Excellent Wife, 110)

Practical ways to show respect for your husband:

Practice godly communication (Ephesians 4:25-33)

Speak the truth in love.

Attack the problem not the person.

Act Don’t React.

Keep Current.

Choosing to believe the best about him (1 Corinthians 13:7) “…believes all things”

Not assuming motives…if a Christian viewing them as a co-heir in Christ…

- A partnership in the gospel…

C. Deal with your problems first before trying to help him to please God (Matthew 7:1-5)

An amazing question wives can ask themselves…is

Question: How does God want to use my husband’s imperfections to help me grow to be more like Christ?

In fact everyone can ask themselves this…how does God want to use my boss, my co-workers, my kids, my roommate, my parents, my friends imperfections to help me grow to BMLC.

This leads wives to have the heart of Christ and that leads not to gossip, not a critical spirit, not unreasonable man centered expectation…but it leads to humble care that is often personified in prayer…

~a respectful wife will…

D. Pray for him daily

Instead of trying to change or manipulate your husband, entrust Him to the one who loves him more than you do, has a better plan for him than you do and wants you to have the greatest impact and ministry to all those around you by being a godly woman, a godly wife, an instrument in the redeemers hand, a image bearer that points others to the goodness and the glory of our God.

God’s roles for husband and wife and the unity that comes from everyone submitting to His ways result in a beautify unity…that is a blessing to the family, the church, and the whole community and helps hold together the very fabric of our society so that we point to the one who is holding all things together by the word of His power…

Let’s pray that we would magnify His name…

I. Submitting to Christ (Ephesians 5:21)

II. Helping Your Husband (Genesis 1:26-31; 2:18-25)

III. Following Your Husband’s Leadership (Ephesians 5:22-24)

IV. Respecting Your Husband (Ephesians 5:33)